Category Archives: wisdom

What if….?

“What if we choose love… every. single. time?

What would the world look like then?” ~Jana Joy

What if we love as much as we’re capable of loving, even if it falls short of other’s expectations or needs?

What if our insecurities and fears are the cause of our harmful behaviour and has nothing to do with others?

What if we act out just because we are hurting?

What if forgiveness for all the hurt we cause each other is a blessing that will open our hearts to loving ourselves and others more deeply?

What if we are so desperate to prove our worth by “doing” in order to hide from our feelings of worthlessness that we just can’t see another way?

What if being asked to open our hearts and rise is simply out of our capacity right now?

What if what we truly need is something we can find within ourselves and we don’t need to look to others for it?

What if our suffering is so immense, we just need to hide for a bit to feel safe?

What if we simply lack the skills to navigate through our own painful emotions so cannot hold space for others in pain?

What if we stopped judging ourselves and others for how we show up in our pain and just had compassion instead?

What if we acknowledge we are all doing the very best we can when faced with difficult circumstances?

What if we stopped begrudging ourselves and others what little relief we can find in whatever ways we can find it, even if we don’t agree on each other’s methods?

What if the actions of others, their beliefs, opinions and harsh words have nothing to do with us and are merely reflections of their own heart that may broken, closed or healing from trauma?

What if the same is exactly true for us?

What if our fear of starting over is what causes us to behave in hurtful ways?

What if our true value is no longer defined by others?

What if we just gave thanks for the gifts in our lives that are here because of all the pain we’ve faced and overcome?

What if setting ourselves free is our greatest act of self love and inspires others to do the same?

What if we stopped looking backward and started focussing on all the blessings here, right now, and what is on its way to us?

What if we stopped clinging to old habits, to things, to ideas, to people that only weigh us down and prevent our ascension?

What if we placed all of our attention on the incredible life that awaits us when we let go of the storylines that threaten to destroy us?

What if we remember our divine “why” and followed our hearts instead of our minds?

What if we choose love… every. single. time?

What would the world look like then?

Craving

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

My mind slips into remembrance of your touch

Your gaze…

Intense

Creating a fierce hunger in me

My heart skips a beat

Electricity flows through my veins

Awakening the sleeping passion within me

Tender embrace

Reverence

Gently holding each other

As we move into vulnerability

There is fear beckoning me

I resist the urge to pull away

Back to the safety of my armour

You stand in your truth with such courage

It calls me back

Opens my heart

No need to define this connection

So raw in its intensity

Just allowing the flow of energy to weave its way back to the ocean

To source

No need to build a dam

To block

To hoard

To interrupt what is destined.

This pull is strong

But I remain fluid

I cannot be held by grasping

I can only be bathed in and then released.

I seep into your heart and leave a piece of me

To remind you

I am here

Pure light

Resonating frequencies

Ease and grace my offering

I see you

I feel you so deep within

I hold you in my dreams

May this journey

Bring us closer to truth

Broken hearts

Healing

Trust

Guiding each other home

Let me hold space for your pain

Transforming my own

I am coming back to life

A spark of divinity

Awakening to love

To connection

To purpose

I am fed

But still hungry

I await our next moment

With baited breath

Stand Tall.

We all have greatness in us. We just need to get out of our own way.

In Celebration of 28 Years Clean & Sober

Today I celebrate 28 years clean and sober. I’ll be honest… I sometimes take my sobriety for granted as it’s been my way of life for over half of my life and most days doesn’t seem like much of an accomplishment. But this year I really earned it!!!

I’ve been savagely betrayed by someone who was supposed to be my person.

I’ve walked away from a life I spent the past nearly 24 years building.

I’ve left my gorgeous mansion on the hill and am now renting a tiny cottage on a farm in Nelson; and I left most of my belongings behind so I can travel light.

I won’t lie… I woke up today full of terror and despair. Some days it just feels all too much. The universe has thrown nearly every challenge my way this past year and today I’m feeling exhausted and defeated.

BUT, in other news…. my beautiful daughter is well on her way to recovering her lost joy and is finding her passions and discovering her gifts.

My amazing son is happy, healthy and off to University in Auckland and enjoying his new adult life.

I have my precious fur babies back with me and they have been the antidote to my broken heart as nobody loves as deeply and unconditionally as dogs!

I am surrounded by so much love and support from both my soul whanau and even those I don’t know very well or haven’t really connected with in years. The outpouring of love from people far and wide has given me so much nourishment for my soul and hope for the future.

As sad and scared as I am, I also feel such a deep gratitude for this precious life and for all the blessings of the Universe that continue to carry me through this challenging time.

I’ve been presented with so many exciting opportunities to live my dream life and I KNOW that everything that was holding me back, weighing me down and poisoning my spirit needed to be stripped away so I could fly free toward my destiny.

Words fail to express how much I love and appreciate everyone who has supported me through this painful chapter.

You continually prop me up when I am collapsing, slap me silly when I am wallowing in self pity, tell me the truth when I’m lost in victim consciousness, encourage me when I lose my confidence, embrace me when I can’t stop crying, hold loving space for me when I’m enraged and just need to express it out loud, make me laugh out loud when I’m taking it all way too seriously, and when I feel like giving up, you remind me of my purpose and what I’m here to offer to the world.

So, thank you to everyone who has shown up for me this past year and I vow to honour your love by showing up and doing the work so I can live my greatest life and be that guiding light for others as you’ve been for me.

Namaste. 🙏🏻💖✨🥰🕉

Reclaiming My Laugh

“Laughter connects you with people. It’s almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you’re just howling with laughter. Laughter is a force for democracy.” ~John Cleese

Yesterday I had a realisation…. I’ve lost my laugh. Or rather, I gave it away.

He hated my laugh… the too-loud witch cackle.

I learned to hate my laugh too.

I spent the past 20 years trying to change my laugh. To make it quieter, less annoying, but in the process, I lost it.

Losing my laugh meant I lost my deep capacity for joy. Suppressing my laugh, holding it in my throat, preventing its escape shut down my ability to communicate love.

How dare he take my laugh. How could I have betrayed myself so savagely as to allow him to have it?

It is in the smallest of moments that pieces of ourselves are stripped away. The little comments, criticisms, the rejections along the way….

One day you wake up and don’t recognise yourself. So many pieces missing.

I didn’t know that this isn’t what love looks like.

True love would never take your laugh.

Of all the betrayals, indignities, and disrespect, this one hurts the most.

Today, I am reclaiming my laugh. I will laugh as loud and as deep as the moment calls for, or for no reason at all.

For anyone who cannot revel in my unfettered joy, who lacks the capacity to experience intense emotions, including bliss, has no place in my life!

I will never again betray myself as to dim my light to enable another’s need to hide in the dark.

I am reclaiming all pieces of my soul that were lost, stolen, given away.

This new chapter will begin with getting to know myself again… the woman I abandoned so many years ago.

And it will include so much laughter, I’ll never need to do a sit-up again!

Namaste.

I

Being my own Valentine. <3

“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.” ~Andrea Dykstra

It’s my first Valentine’s Day as a single woman, but I find I’m not as sad as I imagined I would be.

With each painful reminder of betrayal, his and my own, where I abandoned myself, ignored my intuition and my dreams, hid from the truth of my loveless union, I grow stronger in dedication to authenticity.

Accepting a life without true love, honesty, deep connectedness, reverence for truth and loyalty is where I betrayed myself.

Spending so long hiding in another’s shadow, pretending to be happy & fulfilled with all the trimmings of a “successful” life, but feeling misaligned with my values and my Knowing brings me such deep sorrow.

What was I so afraid of that living such a shallow life was a better option?

When did I decide I wasn’t worth being truly loved, protected, supported?

When did I lose the ability to trust?

I don’t believe He took that from me. He only touched an ancient wound, a wound we both share.

My work is clear…. Trust.

Trust in my powerful Knowing…

Trust in the soul contracts I hold with others that were made to ensure my evolution….

Trust that all is going exactly to plan…

Trust that my call to ascension is here, right now.

IT’S GO TIME!

The time for self-doubt, hesitation, not loving and honouring myself is over.

It’s time to embrace my future.

All of the experiences of my life have shown me just how brave and strong I really am.

I am free to design my life exactly as I want… in rainbow glitter and fairy dust.

No more compromise, settling for less than I deserve, agreeing to things I don’t want and that don’t serve my highest good.

No more superficiality, inauthenticity, toxicity…

I get to choose the energy I surround myself with and a life that is aligned with my purpose.

When I release those that weigh me down with projections of their own fear, I have space for my true soul tribe to show up.

To all who have shared my life and brought me to these truths, through both love and betrayal, thank you.

To all who have shown up and loved me through the most painful and scary time of my life, thank you.

To all who remain in my life to share this next exciting chapter, thank you.

To me, for choosing to show up and love myself enough to face my shadow, my fears and open my heart fully, thank you.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. I hope you love and spoil yourself today and everyday because you deserve it!

Namaste. ❤

The Gifts of Betrayal

“He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known, because she had ventured so far into emotion and had abandoned herself to it.”

― Anaïs Nin

Years ago… A brutal betrayal.

I was gaslit, shut down, silenced.

I was crazy, over-emotional, paranoid…

An “Angry Woman.”

I shed bitter tears,

The betrayal impossible to face.

You denied it with an expert sleight of hand…

You called me damaged when I spoke my truth.

I had no proof, no hard evidence,

only my deep intuitive Knowing.

I chose to betray my Knowing…

Too scared to face what I had to do….

to walk away.

I swallowed my fear, my anger.

I will prove my worth to you by Doing.

I will stay too busy for the truth to catch up to me.

I will quiet down my too muchness, my voice.

I will ignore the lies, the treason.

Your shadow will be a fine place to hide.

In your shadow I’ll pretend I am happy, loved, secure.

I will join you in your dreams and put aside my silly longing.

I will play small and not rock the shaky foundation our life was built upon.

Your false narrative of who I am…

angry, damaged, judgemental

Was too strong for me to fight against…

So easy for me to believe

because you used my wounds against me.

Knowing where my shame lived, you aimed it at my heart

Breaking it into pieces.

I didn’t know I was holding your shame too.

Protecting you from the consequences of your actions

Actions designed to hide from your shame.

You avoid it at all costs,

no matter the suffering it causes.

Your Doing for others is not motivated by kindness

But to prove your own worth, deny your shame,

protect your image as the hero.

Your patterns are rooted in the trauma you refuse to acknowledge.

Habits in place to shut out the truth of your emptiness,

your closed heart.

Then came another betrayal.

You expertly deflected, lied, manipulated.

This time my Knowing would not be silenced.

My sacred anger rose up and would no longer be ignored.

Anger had a story to tell…

my boundaries were being violated,

I was being lied to, dishonoured.

You gifted me another chance to rise up and speak my truth.

You thought no one knew,

but when your deceit was revealed,

it was pointed back at you.

No more denial.

No more excuses.

No more hoping.

You look for love,

but true love isn’t found in lies.

True love isn’t found in the shadows

Or kept hidden in the closet.

I was once the woman in your closet.

You lied and hid me from Her.

It’s just to protect yourself from the Angry Woman, you said.

I believed you.

Now, I’m on the other side of the closet door.

I’m playing the part of the Angry Woman to the new lover.

Is your story the same?

Am I the one who doesn’t show you affection,

or pay you enough compliments?

Did you tell her the truth of your betrayals?

Did she know we were still together?

Or did she not mind being the other woman?

You play the victim well.

No accountability, no integrity.

I’ve seen this movie before.

Same script, different actress.

Same leading man.

You will drive her to become the next Angry Woman in your story…

And the cycle continues.

But I am free.

The hurt of your last betrayal has lit a fire in my soul.

I am rising and claiming back my power.

I will let go of your shame and leave it on your doorstep,

To bypass, pass on to another, or bury.

I will not clean up after you anymore…

I see the truth of who you are and what you do.

Another one who sees under your mask….

You took her out of the closet and called it “new.”

But NO ONE believes you. We all know the truth.

You played your hand and lost.

I am finally free.

For the next great love that awaits me won’t be born from deceit.

It won’t be hidden or require sneaking around in the dark.

My love will be enjoyed in the light of day,

not in the shadows.

There will be no casualties, no collateral damage.

True love is coming for me

and my heart is open to it..

With my integrity intact,

with courage and honour by my side.

Your many betrayals closed my heart to love.

I didn’t want to believe you when you told me you don’t love.

It was the truest thing you ever said.

I am free now to be loved by those who know how.

I am no longer carrying the heavy weight of that which is not mine.

I will share these powerful lessons with the world

So I may help those still held back by shame and fear,

their own or another’s.

I will no longer betray my deep Knowing…

My heart will show me the way home, back to my heart,

To my calling, my dreams, my gifts to offer up to the Universe.

I hold my sacred anger with love.

I will allow my voice to be heard.

I will embrace my divine power and stand quietly in my truth.

Nothing more to prove.

I benefit no one by playing small.

My worth is no longer defined by you,

By busyness or Doing.

My gift is my authenticity…

My vulnerability,

My mystical powers of sight.

I am truly grateful for your lies…

that brought me back to truth.

Thank you for showing me just how brave and strong I am.

Thank you for forcing me out of the nest,

For making me spread my wings and fly.

It wasn’t your mind’s intention, but the results are the same.

Our soul contract is complete.

I wish you well on your journey.

May you find the courage to face your shame and be transformed by it.

May you break the patterns that keep you stuck in ancient trauma

and heal your wounded heart.

Remember…. a broken heart is an open heart.

May you allow a crack of light into the dark chambers of your heart so you may see the work to be done.

For in facing the work, liberation is granted.

Namaste.

Say YES!

I say YES to bliss!

I have spent the better part of my life saying no

No to following my heart, no to embracing my power, no to holding myself in high regard. I allowed others to treat me in ways that were soul-crushing, humiliating, and wildly disrespectful.

Why? Because I didn’t feel I deserved any better. Underneath my sassy bravado, I was insecure and felt utterly worthless. Naturally, I attracted relationships that confirmed my deepest suspicions about my value, or lack thereof.

After the collapse of my marriage, I found within myself a well of resilience and strength I had forgotten I possessed. With the unimaginable betrayal came deep grief and then a call to courage.

All the benefits of the “work” I’ve done these past 28 years rose to the surface—gently guided me through one trauma after another. I made a huge withdrawal from my wellness account within my heart. 

Along with the loyal and loving support of my soul tribe, I am walking the path to awakening with fierce determination, a touch of grit, and a heaping tablespoon of trust.

I am now ready to say YES to following my dreams and passions; to awakening to true love and deep connection; to trusting my Knowing and being led by my heart.

I will break loose from the shackles of fear that keep me small. I will release the pain of betrayal and fly free toward my destiny.

I am being called to live the expansive life my heart has always longed for. The time for playing small is over. I benefit no one by hiding my gifts.

I am free to stand in my truth and share my offerings without holding back for fear of being “too much.” I embrace my too-muchness and allow my spirit to shine brightly and illuminate the path to awakening. I will no longer dim my light for those afraid to see.

The way forward is clear. I say YES to the Divine encouragement to take risks, be vulnerable, authentic & wild, to receive all the love in the Universe.

Here is a quote I love from Alana Fairchild in the Rumi Oracle:

“Something has to change in your physical world. You are in need of more sustenance, more love, more connection, and more nourishment that touches your body and soul, and brings them into deeper oneness with each other, with life, with love. Dare you open up and allow that love in? The Great Beloved has desired that this be so. Will you heed that holy desire? Will you allow love in? Say yes!

If you find this difficult, now is the time to gently, carefully tend to the walls you once placed between yourself and life – walls of tentativeness, excessive caution, fear of abandonment and betrayal, doubt of your own lovableness, and doubts based on past pain without substance. You are so much greater than these crumbling walls. They are the stuff that is designed for demolition, not devotion and honouring. Can you begin to unpack the bricks you mistakenly believed were essential to your safety and well-being?

You are too vast a sea for that small puddle of thought now. The oceanic world of love is your true home and the sun is beating down upon you. It is too hot to gaze at the ocean longingly from afar, or even stand by its edge. Strip off your layers. Run to the ocean and dive in!”

Namaste 🙏🏻

The Invitation

The Invitation~~

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Artwork by Tomasz Alen Kopera

To the one who weaponised my wisdom journey….

“We focus too much on the ones that turned their backs and not enough on the few that have our backs.” ~Liz Faublas

For the past 27+ years, I’ve been on an intense journey of discovery and healing. I’ve done (and continue to do) it all….. the 12 Steps, therapy, workshops, retreats, seminars, conferences, academic study, Buddhist study, research, tons and tons of reading, extensive travel, breath work, meditation, yoga, etc., etc…..

What I was hoping to achieve in all these pursuits was to heal ancient wounds, discover my divine purpose, expand my wisdom and knowledge, connect with my soul tribe, and uncover my true essence lying just below the surface of all the wrong ideas I had about myself taught to me by my ancestors, my culture and my community.

Throughout this journey, I’ve been challenged to grow, no matter how hard, painful, scary and overwhelming it was. I rose to every challenge and learned just how incredibly brave I am. I discovered a source of strength I would have never known existed had I not been forced to pull it out in an effort to survive.

For most of this year I’ve been in my own bubble of isolation. There was a serious disconnect between my inner wisdom and how I’ve been living my life. I struggled to figure out where the discrepancies lay. I was talking the talk but not walking the walk. I felt like a sham, faking my way through each miserable day. I knew under my desperate attempt to convince myself that my life was fine as it is, I was not showing up authentically and with vulnerability. I had created a hard shell around my protective bubble. What was the perceived threat? Could I face it, even if it meant the threat was coming from within? Could I listen to the inner voice that was trying so hard to tell me what was calling to me?

No! Too scary to even contemplate. So I kept myself busy and distracted. I dove into the more comfortable and familiar tasks and activities that didn’t ask too much of me, or negate the narrative I was clinging too. Until yesterday…

Yesterday, something happened that forced me out of my hiding, my inertia, my denial.

Someone I respected and wanted to believe I could trust weaponised my healing and wisdom journey and took aim right for my heart. The pain of that realisation was the fiercest I’ve ever experienced. To say I was devastated is an understatement. It was a violation so pure in its intensity, I thought I might die.

But then, like the Phoenix, the warrior in me rose to reclaim my truth, which shot through me like a lightening bolt! Their egregious tactical error was in trying to reframe my greatest strength, my superpower, into a weakness. Despite all my insecurities and self-doubt, I’ve always known I possess an indefatigable source of power…. enormous courage.

I will no longer hold the narrative that I’m broken, damaged, weak. It was an easy storyline to attempt to manipulate me with since it is an all too familiar one that I’ve believed my entire life. But to have it aimed at me like a weapon jolted me out of this slumber of depression that I had curled up with like a cozy blanket.

I am now wide awake and clear as crystal about who I am and what I’ve come here to do. My mission is clear. I am to continue on my journey of authentic self discovery and hold my truth with courage, and then to share the jewels of wisdom that reveal themselves with all who seek them.

It’s encouraging to finally start really seeing the benefits of all the amazing work I’ve done over the past (nearly) 3 decades that is really showing up and supporting me in this moment of clarity. I can see now that I was seeking this stable and unfailing strength and support from others who are stumbling through this thing called life just as clumsily as I am.

So, I want to thank you for showing me where I was stuck and for, once again, reminding me that I don’t need a hero.

I am my own hero.

Namaste 🙏