Tag Archives: loyalty

What if….?

“What if we choose love… every. single. time?

What would the world look like then?” ~Jana Joy

What if we love as much as we’re capable of loving, even if it falls short of other’s expectations or needs?

What if our insecurities and fears are the cause of our harmful behaviour and has nothing to do with others?

What if we act out just because we are hurting?

What if forgiveness for all the hurt we cause each other is a blessing that will open our hearts to loving ourselves and others more deeply?

What if we are so desperate to prove our worth by “doing” in order to hide from our feelings of worthlessness that we just can’t see another way?

What if being asked to open our hearts and rise is simply out of our capacity right now?

What if what we truly need is something we can find within ourselves and we don’t need to look to others for it?

What if our suffering is so immense, we just need to hide for a bit to feel safe?

What if we simply lack the skills to navigate through our own painful emotions so cannot hold space for others in pain?

What if we stopped judging ourselves and others for how we show up in our pain and just had compassion instead?

What if we acknowledge we are all doing the very best we can when faced with difficult circumstances?

What if we stopped begrudging ourselves and others what little relief we can find in whatever ways we can find it, even if we don’t agree on each other’s methods?

What if the actions of others, their beliefs, opinions and harsh words have nothing to do with us and are merely reflections of their own heart that may broken, closed or healing from trauma?

What if the same is exactly true for us?

What if our fear of starting over is what causes us to behave in hurtful ways?

What if our true value is no longer defined by others?

What if we just gave thanks for the gifts in our lives that are here because of all the pain we’ve faced and overcome?

What if setting ourselves free is our greatest act of self love and inspires others to do the same?

What if we stopped looking backward and started focussing on all the blessings here, right now, and what is on its way to us?

What if we stopped clinging to old habits, to things, to ideas, to people that only weigh us down and prevent our ascension?

What if we placed all of our attention on the incredible life that awaits us when we let go of the storylines that threaten to destroy us?

What if we remember our divine “why” and followed our hearts instead of our minds?

What if we choose love… every. single. time?

What would the world look like then?

I am free.

In Celebration of 28 Years Clean & Sober

Today I celebrate 28 years clean and sober. I’ll be honest… I sometimes take my sobriety for granted as it’s been my way of life for over half of my life and most days doesn’t seem like much of an accomplishment. But this year I really earned it!!!

I’ve been savagely betrayed by someone who was supposed to be my person.

I’ve walked away from a life I spent the past nearly 24 years building.

I’ve left my gorgeous mansion on the hill and am now renting a tiny cottage on a farm in Nelson; and I left most of my belongings behind so I can travel light.

I won’t lie… I woke up today full of terror and despair. Some days it just feels all too much. The universe has thrown nearly every challenge my way this past year and today I’m feeling exhausted and defeated.

BUT, in other news…. my beautiful daughter is well on her way to recovering her lost joy and is finding her passions and discovering her gifts.

My amazing son is happy, healthy and off to University in Auckland and enjoying his new adult life.

I have my precious fur babies back with me and they have been the antidote to my broken heart as nobody loves as deeply and unconditionally as dogs!

I am surrounded by so much love and support from both my soul whanau and even those I don’t know very well or haven’t really connected with in years. The outpouring of love from people far and wide has given me so much nourishment for my soul and hope for the future.

As sad and scared as I am, I also feel such a deep gratitude for this precious life and for all the blessings of the Universe that continue to carry me through this challenging time.

I’ve been presented with so many exciting opportunities to live my dream life and I KNOW that everything that was holding me back, weighing me down and poisoning my spirit needed to be stripped away so I could fly free toward my destiny.

Words fail to express how much I love and appreciate everyone who has supported me through this painful chapter.

You continually prop me up when I am collapsing, slap me silly when I am wallowing in self pity, tell me the truth when I’m lost in victim consciousness, encourage me when I lose my confidence, embrace me when I can’t stop crying, hold loving space for me when I’m enraged and just need to express it out loud, make me laugh out loud when I’m taking it all way too seriously, and when I feel like giving up, you remind me of my purpose and what I’m here to offer to the world.

So, thank you to everyone who has shown up for me this past year and I vow to honour your love by showing up and doing the work so I can live my greatest life and be that guiding light for others as you’ve been for me.

Namaste. 🙏🏻💖✨🥰🕉

Being my own Valentine. <3

“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.” ~Andrea Dykstra

It’s my first Valentine’s Day as a single woman, but I find I’m not as sad as I imagined I would be.

With each painful reminder of betrayal, his and my own, where I abandoned myself, ignored my intuition and my dreams, hid from the truth of my loveless union, I grow stronger in dedication to authenticity.

Accepting a life without true love, honesty, deep connectedness, reverence for truth and loyalty is where I betrayed myself.

Spending so long hiding in another’s shadow, pretending to be happy & fulfilled with all the trimmings of a “successful” life, but feeling misaligned with my values and my Knowing brings me such deep sorrow.

What was I so afraid of that living such a shallow life was a better option?

When did I decide I wasn’t worth being truly loved, protected, supported?

When did I lose the ability to trust?

I don’t believe He took that from me. He only touched an ancient wound, a wound we both share.

My work is clear…. Trust.

Trust in my powerful Knowing…

Trust in the soul contracts I hold with others that were made to ensure my evolution….

Trust that all is going exactly to plan…

Trust that my call to ascension is here, right now.

IT’S GO TIME!

The time for self-doubt, hesitation, not loving and honouring myself is over.

It’s time to embrace my future.

All of the experiences of my life have shown me just how brave and strong I really am.

I am free to design my life exactly as I want… in rainbow glitter and fairy dust.

No more compromise, settling for less than I deserve, agreeing to things I don’t want and that don’t serve my highest good.

No more superficiality, inauthenticity, toxicity…

I get to choose the energy I surround myself with and a life that is aligned with my purpose.

When I release those that weigh me down with projections of their own fear, I have space for my true soul tribe to show up.

To all who have shared my life and brought me to these truths, through both love and betrayal, thank you.

To all who have shown up and loved me through the most painful and scary time of my life, thank you.

To all who remain in my life to share this next exciting chapter, thank you.

To me, for choosing to show up and love myself enough to face my shadow, my fears and open my heart fully, thank you.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. I hope you love and spoil yourself today and everyday because you deserve it!

Namaste. ❤

To the one who weaponised my wisdom journey….

“We focus too much on the ones that turned their backs and not enough on the few that have our backs.” ~Liz Faublas

For the past 27+ years, I’ve been on an intense journey of discovery and healing. I’ve done (and continue to do) it all….. the 12 Steps, therapy, workshops, retreats, seminars, conferences, academic study, Buddhist study, research, tons and tons of reading, extensive travel, breath work, meditation, yoga, etc., etc…..

What I was hoping to achieve in all these pursuits was to heal ancient wounds, discover my divine purpose, expand my wisdom and knowledge, connect with my soul tribe, and uncover my true essence lying just below the surface of all the wrong ideas I had about myself taught to me by my ancestors, my culture and my community.

Throughout this journey, I’ve been challenged to grow, no matter how hard, painful, scary and overwhelming it was. I rose to every challenge and learned just how incredibly brave I am. I discovered a source of strength I would have never known existed had I not been forced to pull it out in an effort to survive.

For most of this year I’ve been in my own bubble of isolation. There was a serious disconnect between my inner wisdom and how I’ve been living my life. I struggled to figure out where the discrepancies lay. I was talking the talk but not walking the walk. I felt like a sham, faking my way through each miserable day. I knew under my desperate attempt to convince myself that my life was fine as it is, I was not showing up authentically and with vulnerability. I had created a hard shell around my protective bubble. What was the perceived threat? Could I face it, even if it meant the threat was coming from within? Could I listen to the inner voice that was trying so hard to tell me what was calling to me?

No! Too scary to even contemplate. So I kept myself busy and distracted. I dove into the more comfortable and familiar tasks and activities that didn’t ask too much of me, or negate the narrative I was clinging too. Until yesterday…

Yesterday, something happened that forced me out of my hiding, my inertia, my denial.

Someone I respected and wanted to believe I could trust weaponised my healing and wisdom journey and took aim right for my heart. The pain of that realisation was the fiercest I’ve ever experienced. To say I was devastated is an understatement. It was a violation so pure in its intensity, I thought I might die.

But then, like the Phoenix, the warrior in me rose to reclaim my truth, which shot through me like a lightening bolt! Their egregious tactical error was in trying to reframe my greatest strength, my superpower, into a weakness. Despite all my insecurities and self-doubt, I’ve always known I possess an indefatigable source of power…. enormous courage.

I will no longer hold the narrative that I’m broken, damaged, weak. It was an easy storyline to attempt to manipulate me with since it is an all too familiar one that I’ve believed my entire life. But to have it aimed at me like a weapon jolted me out of this slumber of depression that I had curled up with like a cozy blanket.

I am now wide awake and clear as crystal about who I am and what I’ve come here to do. My mission is clear. I am to continue on my journey of authentic self discovery and hold my truth with courage, and then to share the jewels of wisdom that reveal themselves with all who seek them.

It’s encouraging to finally start really seeing the benefits of all the amazing work I’ve done over the past (nearly) 3 decades that is really showing up and supporting me in this moment of clarity. I can see now that I was seeking this stable and unfailing strength and support from others who are stumbling through this thing called life just as clumsily as I am.

So, I want to thank you for showing me where I was stuck and for, once again, reminding me that I don’t need a hero.

I am my own hero.

Namaste 🙏

Sanctuary in the Stormy Sea

“Through love all that is bitter will be sweet. Through love all that is copper will be gold. Through love all dregs will become wine. Through love all pain will turn to medicine.” ~Rumi

Throughout the Covid lockdown, I read about so many people world-wide taking this time to rest and reset. What a beautiful idea that was. Sadly, that was not an option for me. I have spent the past couple months just trying to keep my head above water. Seems every time I come up for air, I get hit with another wave of chaos and drama.

I try to rejoice in the negative karmic seeds being burned off, but have been unable to conjure up even a tiny bit of gratitude for this. I have mostly maintained my daily meditation and yoga practice but find I’m not with a single breath. I am truly thankful for all the blessings in my life, but am surprised by how easily the anger and sadness overwhelm me. I am applying every single tool in my toolbox that I’ve amassed these past 27 years and believe them to be the only reason I’m able to find the strength to get to the surface of the raging sea to catch that single breath of air before the next wave hits sucking me further underwater.

I have no sanctuary, no place to seek comfort. Even my home is under attack. Among the stress and betrayal I’ve endured, I now have to stand guard to protect my dogs against those that seek to seize and destroy them for no other reason than their need to win is greater than their capacity for kindness. I’m heartbroken to have given up my beloved Ruby, but comforted in knowing she is safe from harm. I’m on alert and every sound has me peering out from behind the blinds to see if the dog police are here to take my other fur babies away.

I know I’m suffering first world issues and have been mostly spared from the very real problems of senseless violence, severe poverty, starvation, illness and racial persecution.

I try to keep my pain in perspective by practising gratitude for my abundant life. I truly aspire to be of service to others, but, lately, can’t seem to find the energy. My sleep is poor, my stress levels are dangerously high, my blood pressure is often worryingly elevated, my vision is consistently blurred now and I have headaches that are sometimes debilitating. I don’t say all this to seek out sympathy. I say this because I’m genuinely fearful for my health.

I’ve been in survival mode for so many weeks now, I can’t seem to catch up on any real healing. My adrenals are long since worn out, despite my best efforts to support them. I’ve received so much wonderful advice and have really endeavoured to apply it, however, I’m so tapped out energetically that I fear one more helpful suggestion of something I “should” try will push me over the edge.

The most painful realisation has been how weak I feel, despite decades of spiritual practice, emotional work and just plain sheer will. How could I be in such a pit of despair when I have every tool and every advantage available to me? I feel ashamed, which only adds to the struggle.

Outside, I continue to present my stronger self, but it’s a lie. Inside I’m collapsing. The sheer weight that’s been heaped on my increasingly narrow shoulders is too great. This groundlessness has been difficult to embrace. Leaning in to the pain has long been my practice, but have I leaned in too far? Have I embodied the suffering so completely that now I can’t see a way through it? There is a numbness that’s threatening to form…. a well used survival tool from my past, along with anger – my old shield used to deflect overwhelming sadness.

I go out into the world and try not burden others with my pain. I laugh and joke instead of cry. I smile instead of frown. I try to keep my darker feelings to myself and engage all my energy in listening to others and how they are doing, but I fail completely. My self-centeredness knows no bounds these days. All the meetings, workshops, podcasts, yoga, meditation and breathwork inexplicably seems to only add to my anxiety. I’m truly bewildered by this. The warrior in me is wilting…

My mind knows that the sun is shining behind this black cloud. I know everything is impermanent. I know love conquers fear. I know getting out of bed everyday and continuing to do all the things I need to do to stay afloat are not a waste of time and eventually this too shall pass. I know that I matter and my value lies in my BE-ingness, not in my DO-ingness. I know that I deeply love others and that others truly love me. I know all this pain serves to strengthen me. I know I am fully supported by the universe and one day I’ll look back on this time as a time of great shifting toward my awakening. I know that I’ll one day be grateful for these opportunities to learn just how strong I truly am. I’ve said it before… a broken heart is an open heart. I know I’m feeling the depths of this pain because my heart is wide open.

However, this doesn’t ease my pain. I need this “knowing” to find its way into my heart.

I will resist the urge to shut down and go numb. I will strive to be fully present to everything as it unfolds. I will be vigilant against the dark thoughts and practice compassion for myself and others.

My salvation lies in creating a sanctuary… a bubble of love. I will continue to call in the forces of light to illuminate my path and show me the way through. I will remain open to healing and insulate from useless negativity. I will find the balance between opposing forces and walk the line. I will move through the discomfort of change, this shedding of the old skin that no longer serves me. I will continue to stand up to injustice and endeavour to protect the vulnerable.

I will call the cops on this pity party and find my bliss! In the meantime, please continue to send some love my way. I could sure use it!

Namaste. 🙏🏻💖🕉

My Bubble Has Burst!

“Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” ~Jim Morrison

For the past few years, during my meditations, I have been working with the imagery of me sitting within a vibrant pink bubble. Within my bubble I am safe and radiate love and serenity.

Whenever I am faced with an external situation that threatens to burst my bubble, I imagine the skin of my bubble thickening to withstand all the poking and prodding. This practice usually works a treat and I am able to return to my centre, to solid ground.

These past couple of months have been a huge test of my bubble strength. My bubble has been unmercifully beaten upon and last week, it burst…spectacularly!

I was thrust into a swirling vortex of pain, mistrust and uncertainty. The depths of the betrayal and vitriol was shocking and overwhelming. It’s not so much this particular situation that is to blame, but the wounds it uncovered of so many old betrayals.

I was genuinely surprised at the level of suffering I was experiencing. I’m usually able to pull out of a downward spiral before crashing to the ground by applying any one of the many tools I’ve accumulated over the years.

Intellectually I know not to take this recent event personally. I know that the behaviour of others is a reflection of their inner world and has nothing to do with me. I understand karma and accountability and always strive to enquire as to what my part is…. what the lesson is that I need to learn.

This time is different. Why? Perhaps because of my higher than usual levels of exhaustion and stress, and also the constancy in which I’ve been engaged in this particular issue has simply exceeded my endurance capabilities. I know everyone in the world is suffering to lesser or greater degrees than me and I should strive to be more grateful for all the blessings in my life. These are unprecedented times and we’re all in this together. Compassion and kindness are the keys to emerging into this New Earth.

Still….. I am overwhelmingly sad. I feel utterly betrayed and hurt, not only because of this latest punch in the gut but for all the times my heart has been broken. However, the level of deceit and manipulation in this latest trespass has been hard to accept. I feel stupid for believing the lies so easily. Who can I trust and depend on?

Beneath these feelings is an undercurrent of emotion that I recognise as ancient. These events have triggered an old storyline that tells me I deserve all this because I am unworthy of love, loyalty or even common courtesy… that I don’t matter.

I know all of this is untrue, but I feel as though it is. I know that feelings are not fact and that all of this is delusion. I know that the opinions and actions of others has nothing to do with me. Everyone is responding (or reacting) to their own inner storyline. I absolutely know all this to be the truth. So why do I feel so defeated, so beat up, so triggered? Then comes the storyline that tells me I’m supposed to be made of tougher stuff than this and I should be ashamed for feeling so low and allowing this to affect me so deeply.

What a palaver! How do I maintain an open heart and have faith in people when so many are simply untrustworthy? How do I remain vulnerable to some but protected from others? How do I began to trust again when my ability to do so has been so shaken? How do I know who has my back and who seeks to harm me? I’ve always believed I was a great judge of character, but I guess times like these reveal who people really are beneath their masks, their gushy platitudes and false devotion.

To maintain equanimity in such turbulent times goes beyond my capabilities at present. To be completely honest, I’m tapped out. My cup is empty and my heart is broken. 💔 My bubble has burst.

So, I’m calling out an S.O.S. to my loved ones, my soul tribe, the healers and the light workers. Please share your love and wisdom, not only for my sake, but for everyone who is suffering heartbreak, loss and uncertainty.

Namaste. 🙏🏻

Let Go…. A letter from my Soul

“I envy that Autumn, that letting go always seems easy and beautiful.” ~Vishii

As I lean into the sadness,

the despair, the struggle,

I allow my Soul to arise and speak…

“What are you here to tell me?” I ask, my voice trembling.

“I want to tell you that I am here… 

That I need to be seen, to be heard, to be felt.

I need to be acknowledged.”

“Opening my heart to you scares me,” I say, as my tears begin to fall.

“Do not run from me,” says Soul. 

“I am here to tell you that it’s ok to be afraid…

But the voice of fear is not mine.

Mine is only heard in the quiet space,

the space that dwells below the chaotic hum of ego.

I am here to tell you to allow all that arises to be,

but do not grasp it.

I want to tell you that you are safe with me.

You are loved beyond measure.

You matter much more than you realise.

My messages are meant to bring you home.

To show you where you are stuck…

Where you are holding when it’s time to release.

I am the voice of your heart. 

I am here to guide you back to that place of deep knowing,

to ease your burdens, 

to open your heart and mind to your infinite possibilities.

Do not resist me.

I mean you no harm.

When you feel alone…

When your life feels like a much too small dress…

When your words come out all wrong…

When you can’t breathe

and your heart feels like it is being squeezed so, so tight,

Let go.

Do not hold onto the storyline.

Those harsh words you say to yourself is not me speaking.

The unkindness you show yourself makes me weep.

Why do you doubt your place here? 

Your magnificence? Your preciousness?

Why is it so easy to believe your ego when it tells you lies?

This is where the struggle resides.

There is no struggle in truth…. only surrender.

Let go of the idea that letting go means loss.

It is with open hands that you are able to receive.

Create a new truth,

one that fits, that feels soft and flowing, like a silk dress.

Remember, a broken heart is an open heart.

Embrace your tears.

Compassion lives in your tears.

We are birthing a new Earth, 

a unique and beautiful consciousness.

We are healing ancient wounds, 

along with Mama Earth.

Go easy on yourself precious one.

Slow down and allow all that is emerging to weave through you…

Connecting you to your Source.

You are being gifted a fresh start…

a blank canvas on which to paint a different way of being.

How do you want that to look?

What does that feel like?

If it doesn’t feel divine, delicious, honest…

Begin again.

Don’t swim against the flow.

BE the flow.

BE the light.

BE the love.

Follow your bliss.

Please believe you are always fully supported by the Universe.”

Yours in love and service, your Soul

The Perfect Couple….. Behind closed doors.

“In your light I learn how to love. In your beauty, how to make poems. You dance inside my chest where no-one sees you, but sometimes I do, and that sight becomes this art.” 

~ Rumi

Thousands of moons ago, adorned with flowers and coconuts, our spirits collided in a most delicious way.

I was a child in the art of love…fearful, guarded, sassy.

You were all grown up, seeking to draw out the woman in me.

I left you so many times without your knowing. I would flee into fear during the night and return by morning, renewed in courage.

My mental bags were always packed. This our private joke.

Thousands of sunrises ago, we made the promise to align our paths and share this journey of love… the mermaid and the sailor.

Our love manifested two precious souls completing our little family.

I’ve loved you for nearly half my life, even when I’ve hated you.

You’ve shown me eternal love and patience, even when you’ve hated me.

Respect has never waned…. never deliberately cutting each other’s hearts, taking pieces away.

We leave each other whole, honouring what is sacred within us.

Our passions have brought us together and torn us apart.

You’ve honoured my need to swim away and explore the depths of my spirit, even when you feared I wouldn’t return.

You had faith I would return…. renewed, whole.

You’ve cherished me, tended to my wounds, encouraged my awakening.

I‘m reminded of the words of Rumi

“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.”

You fan my flames. For this I will always be thankful.

Your strength and steady patience is my aspiration.

Your integrity is limitless. Your beauty awe-inspiring.

What seeds I must have planted to enjoy the splendour of your love….

I dedicate myself to always be worthy.

In ignorance, we’ve abandoned each other in moments of need.

Tantrums (always mine), anger, isolation, icy rivers separating us.

We’ve endured…. prevailed, grown stronger.

Every day I choose you. Every day I love you more and more.

Every day I aspire to love you with all the love that exists in the universe.

Many days I fail you. Some days we fail each other.

Life often gets in the way of our great love. We forget how rare and precious it is.

We choose distraction and worry… gratitude nowhere to be found.

But we always find our way back to each other.

Our commitment to this love is made again and again.

That’s the secret to everlasting joy…

To wake up and decide each morning to show up, be fully present and bask in the glory of love.

Our divinity will carry us into our next lives together, forever and ever.

Happy anniversary, my love.

Your crazy-ass wife, Jana 💝

Braving the Wild Seas


“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.” 
 William Faulkner

As 2018 comes to a close, I’m left reeling from another year of growth and changes, both small and monumental. I feel pulled in so many directions, I struggle to remain centred. I’m, at times, overwhelmed and sad, but also inspired, empowered, determined.

I feel a deep longing to swim out of the safe and familiar harbour and explore the world with this newly recognised power, but find I am clinging to what’s safe and comfortable.

I’ve spent this last year cleansing, removing all that weighs me down and keeps me small. I’ve stood up for myself and spoken my truth. I’ve set clear boundaries that honour and nurture my spirit. I’ve surrounded myself with people who are growing and expanding. I’m inspired by those who are fierce in their dedication to raising their vibration and fulfilling their dreams, despite, sometimes, crippling fear.

Yet, I’m consumed by grief. Am I grieving the woman I used to be? That person who shrank so others could feel more comfortable, who kept quiet when sexually harassed or abused so as not to make a fuss, who stayed mired in distraction so I didn’t have to face the fact I wasn’t living up to my potential or doing the things that feed my soul?

Perhaps I’m grieving those I’ve left behind. The precious, frustrating, consuming relationships that once served me, but ultimately led to discomfort. I’m painfully aware that not everyone is meant to walk this entire journey with me for we all have our own higher purpose to fulfil. Some I meet at forks in the road and we happily skip along for a while, but then need to part ways in order to continue on our own paths. Others come along who resonate on a frequency that inspires expansion – challenges my fixed ideas about myself and the world around me. These are my tribe, my soul-mates.

So, 2019…. what do you have in store for me? What adventures at sea will you take me on that bring exciting new chapters to my storyline? Who will stand bravely beside me as we journey out to face life’s storms? Who will be lost at sea? Who will choose to stay behind anchored in the safety of the harbour? These unknowns both scare and excite me.

I love what Brene Brown says in her book, ‘Braving the Wilderness…’

Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness — an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared. The wilderness can often feel unholy because we can’t control it, or what people think about our choice of whether to venture into that vastness or not. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.”

My affirmations for 2019: To bravely stand in the sacred; to continue to expand and challenge my spirit; to nurture the relationships with my fierce tribe of fellow seekers who have taught me about courage, loyalty and strength; and to always stand up and speak out for myself and others in the face of apathy and toxic ignorance.

What are your affirmations for 2019?

Namaste 🙏🏻