Monthly Archives: January 2021

The Gifts of Betrayal

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“He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known, because she had ventured so far into emotion and had abandoned herself to it.”

― Anaïs Nin

Years ago… A brutal betrayal.

I was gaslit, shut down, silenced.

I was crazy, over-emotional, paranoid…

An “Angry Woman.”

I shed bitter tears,

The betrayal impossible to face.

You denied it with an expert sleight of hand…

You called me damaged when I spoke my truth.

I had no proof, no hard evidence,

only my deep intuitive Knowing.

I chose to betray my Knowing…

Too scared to face what I had to do….

to walk away.

I swallowed my fear, my anger.

I will prove my worth to you by Doing.

I will stay too busy for the truth to catch up to me.

I will quiet down my too muchness, my voice.

I will ignore the lies, the treason.

Your shadow will be a fine place to hide.

In your shadow I’ll pretend I am happy, loved, secure.

I will join you in your dreams and put aside my silly longing.

I will play small and not rock the shaky foundation our life was built upon.

Your false narrative of who I am…

angry, damaged, judgemental

Was too strong for me to fight against…

So easy for me to believe

because you used my wounds against me.

Knowing where my shame lived, you aimed it at my heart

Breaking it into pieces.

I didn’t know I was holding your shame too.

Protecting you from the consequences of your actions

Actions designed to hide from your shame.

You avoid it at all costs,

no matter the suffering it causes.

Your Doing for others is not motivated by kindness

But to prove your own worth, deny your shame,

protect your image as the hero.

Your patterns are rooted in the trauma you refuse to acknowledge.

Habits in place to shut out the truth of your emptiness,

your closed heart.

Then came another betrayal.

You expertly deflected, lied, manipulated.

This time my Knowing would not be silenced.

My sacred anger rose up and would no longer be ignored.

Anger had a story to tell…

my boundaries were being violated,

I was being lied to, dishonoured.

You gifted me another chance to rise up and speak my truth.

You thought no one knew,

but when your deceit was revealed,

it was pointed back at you.

No more denial.

No more excuses.

No more hoping.

You look for love,

but true love isn’t found in lies.

True love isn’t found in the shadows

Or kept hidden in the closet.

I was once the woman in your closet.

You lied and hid me from Her.

It’s just to protect yourself from the Angry Woman, you said.

I believed you.

Now, I’m on the other side of the closet door.

I’m playing the part of the Angry Woman to the new lover.

Is your story the same?

Am I the one who doesn’t show you affection,

or pay you enough compliments?

Did you tell her the truth of your betrayals?

Did she know we were still together?

Or did she not mind being the other woman?

You play the victim well.

No accountability, no integrity.

I’ve seen this movie before.

Same script, different actress.

Same leading man.

You will drive her to become the next Angry Woman in your story…

And the cycle continues.

But I am free.

The hurt of your last betrayal has lit a fire in my soul.

I am rising and claiming back my power.

I will let go of your shame and leave it on your doorstep,

To bypass, pass on to another, or bury.

I will not clean up after you anymore…

I see the truth of who you are and what you do.

Another one who sees under your mask….

You took her out of the closet and called it “new.”

But NO ONE believes you. We all know the truth.

You played your hand and lost.

I am finally free.

For the next great love that awaits me won’t be born from deceit.

It won’t be hidden or require sneaking around in the dark.

My love will be enjoyed in the light of day,

not in the shadows.

There will be no casualties, no collateral damage.

True love is coming for me

and my heart is open to it..

With my integrity intact,

with courage and honour by my side.

Your many betrayals closed my heart to love.

I didn’t want to believe you when you told me you don’t love.

It was the truest thing you ever said.

I am free now to be loved by those who know how.

I am no longer carrying the heavy weight of that which is not mine.

I will share these powerful lessons with the world

So I may help those still held back by shame and fear,

their own or another’s.

I will no longer betray my deep Knowing…

My heart will show me the way home, back to my heart,

To my calling, my dreams, my gifts to offer up to the Universe.

I hold my sacred anger with love.

I will allow my voice to be heard.

I will embrace my divine power and stand quietly in my truth.

Nothing more to prove.

I benefit no one by playing small.

My worth is no longer defined by you,

By busyness or Doing.

My gift is my authenticity…

My vulnerability,

My mystical powers of sight.

I am truly grateful for your lies…

that brought me back to truth.

Thank you for showing me just how brave and strong I am.

Thank you for forcing me out of the nest,

For making me spread my wings and fly.

It wasn’t your mind’s intention, but the results are the same.

Our soul contract is complete.

I wish you well on your journey.

May you find the courage to face your shame and be transformed by it.

May you break the patterns that keep you stuck in ancient trauma

and heal your wounded heart.

Remember…. a broken heart is an open heart.

May you allow a crack of light into the dark chambers of your heart so you may see the work to be done.

For in facing the work, liberation is granted.

Namaste.

Don’t Believe the Hype

Inspiration

Even though, by all appearances, my life looks like a fragile little sapling, as compared to the “seemingly” flourishing tree of another, I Know that my growth is supported by the powerful force of deep grounding and the nurturing love of my soul tribe and the Universe.

It is this substance that will enable the continued growth of my roots, my limbs and my heart centre.

I will not be destroyed by the storms of emotions. I will grow in resilience, strength and courage.

The following states it far more eloquently….

“Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more.

It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”

~WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
(from Macbeth)

Say YES!

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I say YES to bliss!

I have spent the better part of my life saying no. 

No to following my heart, no to embracing my power, no to holding myself in high regard. I allowed others to treat me in ways that were soul-crushing, humiliating, and wildly disrespectful.

Why? Because I didn’t feel I deserved any better. Underneath my sassy bravado, I was insecure and felt utterly worthless. Naturally, I attracted relationships that confirmed my deepest suspicions about my value, or lack thereof.

After the collapse of my marriage, I found within myself a well of resilience and strength I had forgotten I possessed. With the unimaginable betrayal came deep grief and then a call to courage.

All the benefits of the “work” I’ve done these past 28 years rose to the surface—gently guided me through one trauma after another. I made a huge withdrawal from my wellness account within my heart. 

Along with the loyal and loving support of my soul tribe, I am walking the path to awakening with fierce determination, a touch of grit, and a heaping tablespoon of trust.

I am now ready to say YES to following my dreams and passions; to awakening to true love and deep connection; to trusting my Knowing and being led by my heart.

I will break loose from the shackles of fear that keep me small. I will release the pain of betrayal and fly free toward my destiny.

I am being called to live the expansive life my heart has always longed for. The time for playing small is over. I benefit no one by hiding my gifts.

I am free to stand in my truth and share my offerings without holding back for fear of being “too much.” I embrace my too-muchness and allow my spirit to shine brightly and illuminate the path to awakening. I will no longer dim my light for those afraid to see.

The way forward is clear. I say YES to the Divine encouragement to take risks, be vulnerable, authentic & wild, to receive all the love in the Universe.

Here is a quote I love from Alana Fairchild in the Rumi Oracle:

“Something has to change in your physical world. You are in need of more sustenance, more love, more connection, and more nourishment that touches your body and soul, and brings them into deeper oneness with each other, with life, with love. Dare you open up and allow that love in? The Great Beloved has desired that this be so. Will you heed that holy desire? Will you allow love in? Say yes!

If you find this difficult, now is the time to gently, carefully tend to the walls you once placed between yourself and life – walls of tentativeness, excessive caution, fear of abandonment and betrayal, doubt of your own lovableness, and doubts based on past pain without substance. You are so much greater than these crumbling walls. They are the stuff that is designed for demolition, not devotion and honouring. Can you begin to unpack the bricks you mistakenly believed were essential to your safety and well-being?

You are too vast a sea for that small puddle of thought now. The oceanic world of love is your true home and the sun is beating down upon you. It is too hot to gaze at the ocean longingly from afar, or even stand by its edge. Strip off your layers. Run to the ocean and dive in!”

Namaste 🙏🏻