Category Archives: shame

Dear…..

as I rise

I feel your judgement

quietly resenting my release

free from the shackles

that bound me to a much too small life

wings clipped

by a thousand criticisms,

rejections and betrayals

feather by feather

left crippled and afraid

until one day

with nothing left to lose

all dignity lost

I set myself free

my healing has been long

painful

messy

at times ungrounding

all over the place

up

down

moving between moods

like a toddler

and so what?!

I want to feel

all my fucking feelings

I am not afraid

I am a warrior

built for hurricanes

so spare me your judgement

disguised as concern

of how I’m choosing to heal

don’t you worry about me

check your own damn self

I am free

to laugh

to dance

to make love

to relish every single moment

the deliciously sexy ones

the joyful ones

and even the gloriously,

excruciatingly

painful ones

I am rising like the Phoenix

I will not sit down,

shut up

and behave

like a good girl “should”

I will roam free

roaring as loudly as I want

making all the mistakes

that my newfound freedom allows

risking a broken heart

if that’s what it takes to be fully alive

open hearted

vulnerable

fierce

I will not hide behind what is comfortable

safe

allowed

throwing caution to the wind

logic out the window

I will move with my soul’s longing

I will follow my passion

find my bliss

blaze the trail

take the heat

your need to push me down

make me small

diminish my light

is your own fear

holding you back

my awakening scares you

reminds you of what you’ve lost

hiding behind your rules

your safety net a prison

of your own making

put it down and join me

on this exhilarating rollercoaster

we can never know how strong we are

until we flex our muscles

grab hold of our power

our sovereignty

as free wild women

a road less travelled

but the only path to liberation

join me there

Afterglow

I am whole

complete

devoid of nothing

a force of nature

kinetic energy

magnetic sensuality

drawing you in

a moth to a flame

craving your touch

your kiss

setting the pace

you need only to match it

can you rise with me?

my electricity burns

those who fear it

courage your protection

from my fire

devouring the meek

basking in the mighty

show me your strength

take the lead

do not be afraid

I can be gentle

as I wield my power

quietly

a fierce thunderstorm of passion

sweeping you away

a return to calm

glowing brighter than the sun

and the full moon

drink from me

take all you need

I am unlimited

you cannot deplete me

I am the Source

yours for the taking

swim in my essence

I am the Healer

bringing you to new dimensions

fly with me

break me open

take all of me

don’t hold back

give me everything you are

surrender

come with me

empty into me

my afterglow lights up the shadow

nowhere to hide

challenging you

to remain in truth

see me

naked

raw

unbridled

feel me

etched into your soul

forever reminding you

I am what love looks like

Power of touch

a sleeping sensual energy

has been awakened

a longing for touch

connection

resurrection

running my hands down my arms

slowly up my legs

around my soft belly

my breasts

my hips

over each hand

trailing down my waist

massaging my ass

my thighs

my tender button

loving them wholly

inviting pleasure

moving down to my feet

pressing into the soreness

a delicious ache

going deep

sacred touch to please my senses

blissful release

reverence for this beautiful vessel

taking my time

honouring every part of my body

offering gratitude

seeking forgiveness

for the neglect of youth

insecurity

judgement

this temple

my sanctuary

possessed by no one

offered only to those

strong enough to stand in my beauty

my powerful essence

my blinding light

I shine even brighter

embracing my too-muchness

my spirit

my curves

as I touch myself

stroking my body

I am infused with love

admiration for this divine machine

that serves me with devotion

no matter the carelessness

the disrespect

veneration through caress

sublime massage

healing touch

inviting the power of sensuality

by feeling into my body

quenching her thirst

feeding her craving

soft flowing movement

sweet surrender

I am whole

I am magnificent

I am love

Layers

“Releasing layers of pain” ~Painting by Sheritta Rogers

A spark of possibility

Exciting wonderment

What lies ahead?

Another layer reveals itself

Beneath the surface 

Sadness for what was

What could have been 

New beginnings illuminate the shadow

Fear, an armouring, folding in

A call to courage 

To remain open hearted

Vulnerable, honest

Like a child

Before the heartbreak of trauma

Authenticity requires trust

Trust is an honour bestowed

Not granted without enquiry

Consistent, generous acts of love

No strings, no ulterior motives

True love feels safe

Like a warm embrace

No benefit of the doubt 

For where there is doubt

There is a reason

No one is entitled to hear our stories 

Trust is a gift of the heart

A sacred invitation 

To meet in the soft vulnerable place

To show up in all our shades

To share our healing 

Holding space for each other

As we journey through the layers of our pain

Surrendering to the flow 

Allowing another to witness our shadow

These are the qualities of a true love story

Worthy of our precious hearts

To run and hide

Is to deny ourselves 

The nurturing of love

Isolation, distraction, shame

Punishment for our hurt

Love is the antidote

Peel back the layers

Uncover the tender spots

Bathe them in forgiveness

Compassion 

Release what no longer serves us…

Holds us back from stepping into the glory of who we are

Our divine essence

Receive the invitation

To open 

To surrender

To allow 

To trust 

Step into the heart space

Risk it all and show up fully

Our gifts are beautiful, unique offerings 

Share them fearlessly

No one loves quite like we do

Let us start with ourselves.

Namaste 🙏

What if….?

“What if we choose love… every. single. time?

What would the world look like then?” ~Jana Joy

What if we love as much as we’re capable of loving, even if it falls short of other’s expectations or needs?

What if our insecurities and fears are the cause of our harmful behaviour and has nothing to do with others?

What if we act out just because we are hurting?

What if forgiveness for all the hurt we cause each other is a blessing that will open our hearts to loving ourselves and others more deeply?

What if we are so desperate to prove our worth by “doing” in order to hide from our feelings of worthlessness that we just can’t see another way?

What if being asked to open our hearts and rise is simply out of our capacity right now?

What if what we truly need is something we can find within ourselves and we don’t need to look to others for it?

What if our suffering is so immense, we just need to hide for a bit to feel safe?

What if we simply lack the skills to navigate through our own painful emotions so cannot hold space for others in pain?

What if we stopped judging ourselves and others for how we show up in our pain and just had compassion instead?

What if we acknowledge we are all doing the very best we can when faced with difficult circumstances?

What if we stopped begrudging ourselves and others what little relief we can find in whatever ways we can find it, even if we don’t agree on each other’s methods?

What if the actions of others, their beliefs, opinions and harsh words have nothing to do with us and are merely reflections of their own heart that may broken, closed or healing from trauma?

What if the same is exactly true for us?

What if our fear of starting over is what causes us to behave in hurtful ways?

What if our true value is no longer defined by others?

What if we just gave thanks for the gifts in our lives that are here because of all the pain we’ve faced and overcome?

What if setting ourselves free is our greatest act of self love and inspires others to do the same?

What if we stopped looking backward and started focussing on all the blessings here, right now, and what is on its way to us?

What if we stopped clinging to old habits, to things, to ideas, to people that only weigh us down and prevent our ascension?

What if we placed all of our attention on the incredible life that awaits us when we let go of the storylines that threaten to destroy us?

What if we remember our divine “why” and followed our hearts instead of our minds?

What if we choose love… every. single. time?

What would the world look like then?

I am free.

I Stay Because I Am a Damn Warrior

“I stay because I am brave.

I stay because I am strong.

I stay because I am built for hurricanes.” ~Jana Joy

I am a runner.

I believed it because you said it with such authority.

But is that true?

No.

Not even a little bit.

I stay

because I am brave.

I stay

because I am strong.

I stay

because I am built for hurricanes.

You are the runner.

So many moments you were called to stay,

But you ran away

Every. Single. Time.

You let me believe I was the broken one.

The unworthy one.

But I see now it’s not personal.

You abandon everyone who asks you to show up in any real way.

It is your lack running the show.

You bully, dominate, control the narrative.

Terrified the truth will be uncovered.

Beneath your “doing” is manipulation

Designed to build a hero’s image.

But it was all an illusion

To hide the cowardice.

My work is to unravel the narrative you expertly built,

To discover myself outside of your carefully crafted storyline.

To hand your traumas back to you

to carry for yourself.

I held them for so long, I collapsed under the weight.

I needed you to be the strong one,

For once.

But you didn’t step up and stand by me.

You didn’t offer to carry it,

Alleviate some of the burden.

You just heaped on more.

And then you ran.

You found someone else to hold your shame for you,

Too weak to carry it yourself.

I see the pattern clearly now.

So many moments you were called to courage

and you ran.

You left me to face all of life’s challenges…

alone.

To manage all the moments

you were too afraid to show up for.

I stayed.

I reconciled.

I made excuses for your absence.

I resolved all your problems for you,

All by myself.

Because I am the strong one,

The brave one,

The one who can face any challenge.

But I enabled your hiding.

I gave you the credit

When the credit was all mine.

I am not the runner.

I never was.

I stayed.

I stay.

Because I am a damn warrior.

In Celebration of 28 Years Clean & Sober

Today I celebrate 28 years clean and sober. I’ll be honest… I sometimes take my sobriety for granted as it’s been my way of life for over half of my life and most days doesn’t seem like much of an accomplishment. But this year I really earned it!!!

I’ve been savagely betrayed by someone who was supposed to be my person.

I’ve walked away from a life I spent the past nearly 24 years building.

I’ve left my gorgeous mansion on the hill and am now renting a tiny cottage on a farm in Nelson; and I left most of my belongings behind so I can travel light.

I won’t lie… I woke up today full of terror and despair. Some days it just feels all too much. The universe has thrown nearly every challenge my way this past year and today I’m feeling exhausted and defeated.

BUT, in other news…. my beautiful daughter is well on her way to recovering her lost joy and is finding her passions and discovering her gifts.

My amazing son is happy, healthy and off to University in Auckland and enjoying his new adult life.

I have my precious fur babies back with me and they have been the antidote to my broken heart as nobody loves as deeply and unconditionally as dogs!

I am surrounded by so much love and support from both my soul whanau and even those I don’t know very well or haven’t really connected with in years. The outpouring of love from people far and wide has given me so much nourishment for my soul and hope for the future.

As sad and scared as I am, I also feel such a deep gratitude for this precious life and for all the blessings of the Universe that continue to carry me through this challenging time.

I’ve been presented with so many exciting opportunities to live my dream life and I KNOW that everything that was holding me back, weighing me down and poisoning my spirit needed to be stripped away so I could fly free toward my destiny.

Words fail to express how much I love and appreciate everyone who has supported me through this painful chapter.

You continually prop me up when I am collapsing, slap me silly when I am wallowing in self pity, tell me the truth when I’m lost in victim consciousness, encourage me when I lose my confidence, embrace me when I can’t stop crying, hold loving space for me when I’m enraged and just need to express it out loud, make me laugh out loud when I’m taking it all way too seriously, and when I feel like giving up, you remind me of my purpose and what I’m here to offer to the world.

So, thank you to everyone who has shown up for me this past year and I vow to honour your love by showing up and doing the work so I can live my greatest life and be that guiding light for others as you’ve been for me.

Namaste. 🙏🏻💖✨🥰🕉

Being my own Valentine. <3

“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.” ~Andrea Dykstra

It’s my first Valentine’s Day as a single woman, but I find I’m not as sad as I imagined I would be.

With each painful reminder of betrayal, his and my own, where I abandoned myself, ignored my intuition and my dreams, hid from the truth of my loveless union, I grow stronger in dedication to authenticity.

Accepting a life without true love, honesty, deep connectedness, reverence for truth and loyalty is where I betrayed myself.

Spending so long hiding in another’s shadow, pretending to be happy & fulfilled with all the trimmings of a “successful” life, but feeling misaligned with my values and my Knowing brings me such deep sorrow.

What was I so afraid of that living such a shallow life was a better option?

When did I decide I wasn’t worth being truly loved, protected, supported?

When did I lose the ability to trust?

I don’t believe He took that from me. He only touched an ancient wound, a wound we both share.

My work is clear…. Trust.

Trust in my powerful Knowing…

Trust in the soul contracts I hold with others that were made to ensure my evolution….

Trust that all is going exactly to plan…

Trust that my call to ascension is here, right now.

IT’S GO TIME!

The time for self-doubt, hesitation, not loving and honouring myself is over.

It’s time to embrace my future.

All of the experiences of my life have shown me just how brave and strong I really am.

I am free to design my life exactly as I want… in rainbow glitter and fairy dust.

No more compromise, settling for less than I deserve, agreeing to things I don’t want and that don’t serve my highest good.

No more superficiality, inauthenticity, toxicity…

I get to choose the energy I surround myself with and a life that is aligned with my purpose.

When I release those that weigh me down with projections of their own fear, I have space for my true soul tribe to show up.

To all who have shared my life and brought me to these truths, through both love and betrayal, thank you.

To all who have shown up and loved me through the most painful and scary time of my life, thank you.

To all who remain in my life to share this next exciting chapter, thank you.

To me, for choosing to show up and love myself enough to face my shadow, my fears and open my heart fully, thank you.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. I hope you love and spoil yourself today and everyday because you deserve it!

Namaste. ❤

The Gifts of Betrayal

“He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known, because she had ventured so far into emotion and had abandoned herself to it.”

― Anaïs Nin

Years ago… A brutal betrayal.

I was gaslit, shut down, silenced.

I was crazy, over-emotional, paranoid…

An “Angry Woman.”

I shed bitter tears,

The betrayal impossible to face.

You denied it with an expert sleight of hand…

You called me damaged when I spoke my truth.

I had no proof, no hard evidence,

only my deep intuitive Knowing.

I chose to betray my Knowing…

Too scared to face what I had to do….

to walk away.

I swallowed my fear, my anger.

I will prove my worth to you by Doing.

I will stay too busy for the truth to catch up to me.

I will quiet down my too muchness, my voice.

I will ignore the lies, the treason.

Your shadow will be a fine place to hide.

In your shadow I’ll pretend I am happy, loved, secure.

I will join you in your dreams and put aside my silly longing.

I will play small and not rock the shaky foundation our life was built upon.

Your false narrative of who I am…

angry, damaged, judgemental

Was too strong for me to fight against…

So easy for me to believe

because you used my wounds against me.

Knowing where my shame lived, you aimed it at my heart

Breaking it into pieces.

I didn’t know I was holding your shame too.

Protecting you from the consequences of your actions

Actions designed to hide from your shame.

You avoid it at all costs,

no matter the suffering it causes.

Your Doing for others is not motivated by kindness

But to prove your own worth, deny your shame,

protect your image as the hero.

Your patterns are rooted in the trauma you refuse to acknowledge.

Habits in place to shut out the truth of your emptiness,

your closed heart.

Then came another betrayal.

You expertly deflected, lied, manipulated.

This time my Knowing would not be silenced.

My sacred anger rose up and would no longer be ignored.

Anger had a story to tell…

my boundaries were being violated,

I was being lied to, dishonoured.

You gifted me another chance to rise up and speak my truth.

You thought no one knew,

but when your deceit was revealed,

it was pointed back at you.

No more denial.

No more excuses.

No more hoping.

You look for love,

but true love isn’t found in lies.

True love isn’t found in the shadows

Or kept hidden in the closet.

I was once the woman in your closet.

You lied and hid me from Her.

It’s just to protect yourself from the Angry Woman, you said.

I believed you.

Now, I’m on the other side of the closet door.

I’m playing the part of the Angry Woman to the new lover.

Is your story the same?

Am I the one who doesn’t show you affection,

or pay you enough compliments?

Did you tell her the truth of your betrayals?

Did she know we were still together?

Or did she not mind being the other woman?

You play the victim well.

No accountability, no integrity.

I’ve seen this movie before.

Same script, different actress.

Same leading man.

You will drive her to become the next Angry Woman in your story…

And the cycle continues.

But I am free.

The hurt of your last betrayal has lit a fire in my soul.

I am rising and claiming back my power.

I will let go of your shame and leave it on your doorstep,

To bypass, pass on to another, or bury.

I will not clean up after you anymore…

I see the truth of who you are and what you do.

Another one who sees under your mask….

You took her out of the closet and called it “new.”

But NO ONE believes you. We all know the truth.

You played your hand and lost.

I am finally free.

For the next great love that awaits me won’t be born from deceit.

It won’t be hidden or require sneaking around in the dark.

My love will be enjoyed in the light of day,

not in the shadows.

There will be no casualties, no collateral damage.

True love is coming for me

and my heart is open to it..

With my integrity intact,

with courage and honour by my side.

Your many betrayals closed my heart to love.

I didn’t want to believe you when you told me you don’t love.

It was the truest thing you ever said.

I am free now to be loved by those who know how.

I am no longer carrying the heavy weight of that which is not mine.

I will share these powerful lessons with the world

So I may help those still held back by shame and fear,

their own or another’s.

I will no longer betray my deep Knowing…

My heart will show me the way home, back to my heart,

To my calling, my dreams, my gifts to offer up to the Universe.

I hold my sacred anger with love.

I will allow my voice to be heard.

I will embrace my divine power and stand quietly in my truth.

Nothing more to prove.

I benefit no one by playing small.

My worth is no longer defined by you,

By busyness or Doing.

My gift is my authenticity…

My vulnerability,

My mystical powers of sight.

I am truly grateful for your lies…

that brought me back to truth.

Thank you for showing me just how brave and strong I am.

Thank you for forcing me out of the nest,

For making me spread my wings and fly.

It wasn’t your mind’s intention, but the results are the same.

Our soul contract is complete.

I wish you well on your journey.

May you find the courage to face your shame and be transformed by it.

May you break the patterns that keep you stuck in ancient trauma

and heal your wounded heart.

Remember…. a broken heart is an open heart.

May you allow a crack of light into the dark chambers of your heart so you may see the work to be done.

For in facing the work, liberation is granted.

Namaste.