Tag Archives: shame

Dear…..

as I rise

I feel your judgement

quietly resenting my release

free from the shackles

that bound me to a much too small life

wings clipped

by a thousand criticisms,

rejections and betrayals

feather by feather

left crippled and afraid

until one day

with nothing left to lose

all dignity lost

I set myself free

my healing has been long

painful

messy

at times ungrounding

all over the place

up

down

moving between moods

like a toddler

and so what?!

I want to feel

all my fucking feelings

I am not afraid

I am a warrior

built for hurricanes

so spare me your judgement

disguised as concern

of how I’m choosing to heal

don’t you worry about me

check your own damn self

I am free

to laugh

to dance

to make love

to relish every single moment

the deliciously sexy ones

the joyful ones

and even the gloriously,

excruciatingly

painful ones

I am rising like the Phoenix

I will not sit down,

shut up

and behave

like a good girl “should”

I will roam free

roaring as loudly as I want

making all the mistakes

that my newfound freedom allows

risking a broken heart

if that’s what it takes to be fully alive

open hearted

vulnerable

fierce

I will not hide behind what is comfortable

safe

allowed

throwing caution to the wind

logic out the window

I will move with my soul’s longing

I will follow my passion

find my bliss

blaze the trail

take the heat

your need to push me down

make me small

diminish my light

is your own fear

holding you back

my awakening scares you

reminds you of what you’ve lost

hiding behind your rules

your safety net a prison

of your own making

put it down and join me

on this exhilarating rollercoaster

we can never know how strong we are

until we flex our muscles

grab hold of our power

our sovereignty

as free wild women

a road less travelled

but the only path to liberation

join me there

Afterglow

I am whole

complete

devoid of nothing

a force of nature

kinetic energy

magnetic sensuality

drawing you in

a moth to a flame

craving your touch

your kiss

setting the pace

you need only to match it

can you rise with me?

my electricity burns

those who fear it

courage your protection

from my fire

devouring the meek

basking in the mighty

show me your strength

take the lead

do not be afraid

I can be gentle

as I wield my power

quietly

a fierce thunderstorm of passion

sweeping you away

a return to calm

glowing brighter than the sun

and the full moon

drink from me

take all you need

I am unlimited

you cannot deplete me

I am the Source

yours for the taking

swim in my essence

I am the Healer

bringing you to new dimensions

fly with me

break me open

take all of me

don’t hold back

give me everything you are

surrender

come with me

empty into me

my afterglow lights up the shadow

nowhere to hide

challenging you

to remain in truth

see me

naked

raw

unbridled

feel me

etched into your soul

forever reminding you

I am what love looks like

Power of touch

a sleeping sensual energy

has been awakened

a longing for touch

connection

resurrection

running my hands down my arms

slowly up my legs

around my soft belly

my breasts

my hips

over each hand

trailing down my waist

massaging my ass

my thighs

my tender button

loving them wholly

inviting pleasure

moving down to my feet

pressing into the soreness

a delicious ache

going deep

sacred touch to please my senses

blissful release

reverence for this beautiful vessel

taking my time

honouring every part of my body

offering gratitude

seeking forgiveness

for the neglect of youth

insecurity

judgement

this temple

my sanctuary

possessed by no one

offered only to those

strong enough to stand in my beauty

my powerful essence

my blinding light

I shine even brighter

embracing my too-muchness

my spirit

my curves

as I touch myself

stroking my body

I am infused with love

admiration for this divine machine

that serves me with devotion

no matter the carelessness

the disrespect

veneration through caress

sublime massage

healing touch

inviting the power of sensuality

by feeling into my body

quenching her thirst

feeding her craving

soft flowing movement

sweet surrender

I am whole

I am magnificent

I am love

Layers

“Releasing layers of pain” ~Painting by Sheritta Rogers

A spark of possibility

Exciting wonderment

What lies ahead?

Another layer reveals itself

Beneath the surface 

Sadness for what was

What could have been 

New beginnings illuminate the shadow

Fear, an armouring, folding in

A call to courage 

To remain open hearted

Vulnerable, honest

Like a child

Before the heartbreak of trauma

Authenticity requires trust

Trust is an honour bestowed

Not granted without enquiry

Consistent, generous acts of love

No strings, no ulterior motives

True love feels safe

Like a warm embrace

No benefit of the doubt 

For where there is doubt

There is a reason

No one is entitled to hear our stories 

Trust is a gift of the heart

A sacred invitation 

To meet in the soft vulnerable place

To show up in all our shades

To share our healing 

Holding space for each other

As we journey through the layers of our pain

Surrendering to the flow 

Allowing another to witness our shadow

These are the qualities of a true love story

Worthy of our precious hearts

To run and hide

Is to deny ourselves 

The nurturing of love

Isolation, distraction, shame

Punishment for our hurt

Love is the antidote

Peel back the layers

Uncover the tender spots

Bathe them in forgiveness

Compassion 

Release what no longer serves us…

Holds us back from stepping into the glory of who we are

Our divine essence

Receive the invitation

To open 

To surrender

To allow 

To trust 

Step into the heart space

Risk it all and show up fully

Our gifts are beautiful, unique offerings 

Share them fearlessly

No one loves quite like we do

Let us start with ourselves.

Namaste 🙏

What if….?

“What if we choose love… every. single. time?

What would the world look like then?” ~Jana Joy

What if we love as much as we’re capable of loving, even if it falls short of other’s expectations or needs?

What if our insecurities and fears are the cause of our harmful behaviour and has nothing to do with others?

What if we act out just because we are hurting?

What if forgiveness for all the hurt we cause each other is a blessing that will open our hearts to loving ourselves and others more deeply?

What if we are so desperate to prove our worth by “doing” in order to hide from our feelings of worthlessness that we just can’t see another way?

What if being asked to open our hearts and rise is simply out of our capacity right now?

What if what we truly need is something we can find within ourselves and we don’t need to look to others for it?

What if our suffering is so immense, we just need to hide for a bit to feel safe?

What if we simply lack the skills to navigate through our own painful emotions so cannot hold space for others in pain?

What if we stopped judging ourselves and others for how we show up in our pain and just had compassion instead?

What if we acknowledge we are all doing the very best we can when faced with difficult circumstances?

What if we stopped begrudging ourselves and others what little relief we can find in whatever ways we can find it, even if we don’t agree on each other’s methods?

What if the actions of others, their beliefs, opinions and harsh words have nothing to do with us and are merely reflections of their own heart that may broken, closed or healing from trauma?

What if the same is exactly true for us?

What if our fear of starting over is what causes us to behave in hurtful ways?

What if our true value is no longer defined by others?

What if we just gave thanks for the gifts in our lives that are here because of all the pain we’ve faced and overcome?

What if setting ourselves free is our greatest act of self love and inspires others to do the same?

What if we stopped looking backward and started focussing on all the blessings here, right now, and what is on its way to us?

What if we stopped clinging to old habits, to things, to ideas, to people that only weigh us down and prevent our ascension?

What if we placed all of our attention on the incredible life that awaits us when we let go of the storylines that threaten to destroy us?

What if we remember our divine “why” and followed our hearts instead of our minds?

What if we choose love… every. single. time?

What would the world look like then?

I am free.

In Celebration of 28 Years Clean & Sober

Today I celebrate 28 years clean and sober. I’ll be honest… I sometimes take my sobriety for granted as it’s been my way of life for over half of my life and most days doesn’t seem like much of an accomplishment. But this year I really earned it!!!

I’ve been savagely betrayed by someone who was supposed to be my person.

I’ve walked away from a life I spent the past nearly 24 years building.

I’ve left my gorgeous mansion on the hill and am now renting a tiny cottage on a farm in Nelson; and I left most of my belongings behind so I can travel light.

I won’t lie… I woke up today full of terror and despair. Some days it just feels all too much. The universe has thrown nearly every challenge my way this past year and today I’m feeling exhausted and defeated.

BUT, in other news…. my beautiful daughter is well on her way to recovering her lost joy and is finding her passions and discovering her gifts.

My amazing son is happy, healthy and off to University in Auckland and enjoying his new adult life.

I have my precious fur babies back with me and they have been the antidote to my broken heart as nobody loves as deeply and unconditionally as dogs!

I am surrounded by so much love and support from both my soul whanau and even those I don’t know very well or haven’t really connected with in years. The outpouring of love from people far and wide has given me so much nourishment for my soul and hope for the future.

As sad and scared as I am, I also feel such a deep gratitude for this precious life and for all the blessings of the Universe that continue to carry me through this challenging time.

I’ve been presented with so many exciting opportunities to live my dream life and I KNOW that everything that was holding me back, weighing me down and poisoning my spirit needed to be stripped away so I could fly free toward my destiny.

Words fail to express how much I love and appreciate everyone who has supported me through this painful chapter.

You continually prop me up when I am collapsing, slap me silly when I am wallowing in self pity, tell me the truth when I’m lost in victim consciousness, encourage me when I lose my confidence, embrace me when I can’t stop crying, hold loving space for me when I’m enraged and just need to express it out loud, make me laugh out loud when I’m taking it all way too seriously, and when I feel like giving up, you remind me of my purpose and what I’m here to offer to the world.

So, thank you to everyone who has shown up for me this past year and I vow to honour your love by showing up and doing the work so I can live my greatest life and be that guiding light for others as you’ve been for me.

Namaste. 🙏🏻💖✨🥰🕉

To the one who weaponised my wisdom journey….

“We focus too much on the ones that turned their backs and not enough on the few that have our backs.” ~Liz Faublas

For the past 27+ years, I’ve been on an intense journey of discovery and healing. I’ve done (and continue to do) it all….. the 12 Steps, therapy, workshops, retreats, seminars, conferences, academic study, Buddhist study, research, tons and tons of reading, extensive travel, breath work, meditation, yoga, etc., etc…..

What I was hoping to achieve in all these pursuits was to heal ancient wounds, discover my divine purpose, expand my wisdom and knowledge, connect with my soul tribe, and uncover my true essence lying just below the surface of all the wrong ideas I had about myself taught to me by my ancestors, my culture and my community.

Throughout this journey, I’ve been challenged to grow, no matter how hard, painful, scary and overwhelming it was. I rose to every challenge and learned just how incredibly brave I am. I discovered a source of strength I would have never known existed had I not been forced to pull it out in an effort to survive.

For most of this year I’ve been in my own bubble of isolation. There was a serious disconnect between my inner wisdom and how I’ve been living my life. I struggled to figure out where the discrepancies lay. I was talking the talk but not walking the walk. I felt like a sham, faking my way through each miserable day. I knew under my desperate attempt to convince myself that my life was fine as it is, I was not showing up authentically and with vulnerability. I had created a hard shell around my protective bubble. What was the perceived threat? Could I face it, even if it meant the threat was coming from within? Could I listen to the inner voice that was trying so hard to tell me what was calling to me?

No! Too scary to even contemplate. So I kept myself busy and distracted. I dove into the more comfortable and familiar tasks and activities that didn’t ask too much of me, or negate the narrative I was clinging too. Until yesterday…

Yesterday, something happened that forced me out of my hiding, my inertia, my denial.

Someone I respected and wanted to believe I could trust weaponised my healing and wisdom journey and took aim right for my heart. The pain of that realisation was the fiercest I’ve ever experienced. To say I was devastated is an understatement. It was a violation so pure in its intensity, I thought I might die.

But then, like the Phoenix, the warrior in me rose to reclaim my truth, which shot through me like a lightening bolt! Their egregious tactical error was in trying to reframe my greatest strength, my superpower, into a weakness. Despite all my insecurities and self-doubt, I’ve always known I possess an indefatigable source of power…. enormous courage.

I will no longer hold the narrative that I’m broken, damaged, weak. It was an easy storyline to attempt to manipulate me with since it is an all too familiar one that I’ve believed my entire life. But to have it aimed at me like a weapon jolted me out of this slumber of depression that I had curled up with like a cozy blanket.

I am now wide awake and clear as crystal about who I am and what I’ve come here to do. My mission is clear. I am to continue on my journey of authentic self discovery and hold my truth with courage, and then to share the jewels of wisdom that reveal themselves with all who seek them.

It’s encouraging to finally start really seeing the benefits of all the amazing work I’ve done over the past (nearly) 3 decades that is really showing up and supporting me in this moment of clarity. I can see now that I was seeking this stable and unfailing strength and support from others who are stumbling through this thing called life just as clumsily as I am.

So, I want to thank you for showing me where I was stuck and for, once again, reminding me that I don’t need a hero.

I am my own hero.

Namaste 🙏

Sitting In The Yuck

“Right now, me saying “white people,” as if our race had meaning, and as if I could know anything about somebody just because they’re white, will cause a lot of white people to erupt in defensiveness. And I think of it as a kind of weaponized defensiveness. Weaponized tears. Weaponized hurt feelings. And in that way, I think white fragility actually functions as a kind of white racial bullying.” ~ Robin DiAngelo

Over the past 3 weeks, since the murder of George Floyd in the U.S., and the ensuing protests, I’ve been hugely disappointed at the level of my own ignorance on issues regarding racism, white privilege and bigotry in all its forms. The hundreds of stories of violence against black, indigenous and all people of colour (BIPOC), both in America and all over the world, have mostly sat on the outer fringes of my consciousness. I admit it took global protests to really capture my undivided attention (a perfect example of white privilege, as only someone not subjected to consistent violence/threats of violence and discrimination could be allowed to ignore its continued existence). Before that, I only knew basic “white-washed” history of slavery, apartheid, and the Civil Rights movement of the 60’s, along with the odd news stories of police brutality against BIPOC, such as the Rodney King beating in 1991.

I lived in West Hollywood at the time of the 1992 riots sparked by the acquittal of the cops involved in the Rodney King case, which was likely the main reason I was so aware of the story. I was living with my fiancé and his roommate at the time and I remember aggressively attempting to dissuade them from leaving the house during the riots because I knew damn well they were at a significantly higher risk of being assaulted and/or arrested by the police just for being black as compared to their white counterparts. So obviously, not too deep in my consciousness I was aware of racial profiling by the police.

I admit, I generally avoid the news as I find most of it sensationalised “info-tainment” designed to stir up negative emotions and cause divisive reactions as this is what sells. The media cannot be trusted to present unbiased, neutral facts. And with so much information swirling around to such a dizzying degree, it’s nearly impossible to determine fact from fiction, which I’m sure is part of the grand plan. Confusion and ignorance perfectly aids in the puppet-masters’ goals of world dominance.

I’ve spent many hours trying to educate myself on racism, white privilege and bigotry so that I may be able to uncover my own racist beliefs and prejudices which lay under my denial. As uncomfortable as this process has been (and I’m only just scratching the surface), I’m determined to overcome my ignorance on these issues and my participation in perpetuating racism and bigotry by remaining silent and not fully addressing my own behaviour and views. I don’t want to be just another fair-weather ally to BIPOC and other marginalised groups by posting the occasional story on Facebook and utilising the trending hashtag de jour. That kind of empty support will not create any real change and only serves to make me feel momentarily better about myself. I can’t be a racist if I support BIPOC, right…? Wrong!

As I continue my research by reading, listening to and watching the stories of racism and bigotry produced by people of all races, identities, cultures, nationalities and religions, I’m more and more being confronted with the question, “In what ways have I behaved in a racist and/or bigoted way and how have I benefitted from white privilege?”

The more research I do, the more I see how white supremacy has completely infiltrated and shaped not only my own attitudes and beliefs but those of all people, including BIPOC. It’s genius “cradle to the grave” conditioning going on in societies all around the world. The more awake I become, the more I am seeing the overt and covert racism and bigotry, along with varying degrees of micro-aggression displayed by so many of my own Facebook “friends” and other people I encounter. It has left me feeling hugely uncomfortable with the part I’ve played in it. Whether I was simply ignorant of the issues and manipulated by mass media reports or because I chose to stay safely silent and on the sidelines, makes no difference. I am still complicit. I can’t claim to be anti-racist or anti-bigoted if I’m not willing to call out racism and bigotry whenever I see it, both in myself and everywhere else.

What I need to really focus on is finding skilful means of calling it out in ways that encourage honest communication, as opposed to shaming others, which only leads to defensiveness and anger. As Brené Brown so aptly says, “The biggest barriers to acknowledgement of privilege [or racism] is shame. You have to reach out with love and curiosity… [but] speak truth to bullshit. Also, be civil when you’re doing it.” I admit that in my reactive state, I have just unfriended those who have posted things that I judge as racist or bigoted. Instead of engaging them in an honest dialog with the desire to create some real understanding between us and to learn another perspective, I’ve chosen the cowardly (and passive-aggressive) approach so as to avoid a potentially ugly conflict. This stops today.

I apologise for the following vocabulary lesson, but since I was mostly unfamiliar with the proper definition of these terms and how I have participated, consciously or unconsciously, in their application, I thought some of you may also be unaware of their definitions.

Covert racism is defined as: “A form of racial discrimination that is disguised and subtle, rather than public or obvious. Concealed in the fabric of society, covert racism discriminates against individuals through often evasive or seemingly passive methods. Covert, racially biased decisions are often hidden or rationalised with an explanation that society is more willing to accept. These racial biases cause a variety of problems that work to empower the suppressors while diminishing the rights and powers of the oppressed. Covert racism often works subliminally, and often much of the discrimination is being done subconsciously. Sometimes, it originates instead in discrimination against poorer segments that simply happens to disproportionately affect individuals by race.”

The definition of micro-aggression is: “A term used for brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioural, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative prejudicial slights and insults toward any group, particularly culturally marginalized groups.”

I have never considered myself racist or a bigot. I have many friends from all walks of life. I’ve prided myself on being open-minded and non-judgemental of people who come from all different races, religions and cultures. But rather than hide behind this smug attitude, I feel compelled to peel back the layers and look for the truth, however painful this process might be. Rather than tout the ubiquitous attitude of being “colour blind,” I seek to acknowledge and celebrate the differences instead of pretending I don’t notice them. After all, isn’t it our differences that make the world more interesting? How boring it would be if we were all exactly the same…

I want to bring my awareness to where I hold subconscious racist and bigoted views and where my white privilege has benefitted me. “Sit in [my] yuck” as Nicole Cameron says. Let me be clear here, I do not seek your validation of my existence as a non-racist or bigoted person. I truly wish to uncover the nature of my views and where I may have unknowingly caused harm because of them. I don’t wish to burden anyone by asking them to school me on racism and bigotry, however, I do hope that some of you might be willing to take the time to show me what perhaps I can’t see for myself because of my “white veil.” I also hope that any constructive criticism you may wish to offer is done so with the intention to be helpful and a little compassionate. It’s certainly not my aim to offend anyone, but merely an aspiration to become more aware. Only from this place of awareness do I stand any chance of making lasting changes in my heart and mind and then maybe in the hearts and minds of others. As Brené Brown also says, “…perhaps a little hypothesis of generosity” for which I would be truly grateful.

Below are a several links to some interesting and thought-provoking articles I have found in the course of my research. Please comment below with any additional articles, videos, podcasts and books that you have found informative and helpful. My goal is to heighten my curiosity and awareness by asking the uncomfortable questions. I hope you’ll join me in this quest or allow me to join you in yours.

Namaste 🙏🏼

https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/summer-2019/whats-my-complicity-talking-white-fragility-with-robin-diangelo

https://www.google.co.nz/amp/s/tricycle.org/trikedaily/vow-to-end-racism/amp/

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2020/06/the-problem-with-being-the-black-friend/

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2020/06/we-cant-hide-behind-white-privilege-anymore-we-must-be-anti-racists-because-black-lives-matter/

https://itstopswithme.humanrights.gov.au/what-can-you-do/speak/casual-racism

https://onbeing.org/blog/courtney-martin-the-painful-and-liberating-practice-of-facing-my-own-racism/

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2020/06/i-am-black-this-is-what-i-need-what-i-dont-from-white-allies-nicole-cameron/

https://e-tangata.co.nz/history/the-land-of-the-wrong-white-crowd-growing-up-and-living-in-the-shadow-of-racism/

https://teara.govt.nz/en/anti-racism-and-treaty-of-waitangi-activism

https://interactives.stuff.co.nz/2018/05/prisons/crime.html#/1

Broken

“There is one way of breathing that is shameful and constricted. Then, there’s another way: a breath of love that takes you all the way to infinity.” ~Rumi

No words

Only tears.

Blind rage burning like so many fires.

Fear

Fury

Taking up arms to fight an invisible enemy.

Who is the enemy?

Accusations fly like a swarm of locusts.

Pointing fingers

Panic.

Us and them.

Who is “us?”

Who is “them?”

Right?

Wrong?

Justified?

Fight against!

All words of warfare.

Same angry faces.

World War 3 has begun.

Poisoned

Infected

Divided

Isolation….within our own minds.

A terrifying hell for some,

A sanctuary for others.

Uncontrollable tears as my heart aches.

So much suffering at the hands of each other…

From our own minds.

Moving like zombies

Trying to get back to “normal.”

What is this normal you speak of?

Rampant greed?

Hate?

Fear?

Ignorance?

Keeping busy to distract us from the screaming?

The Earth screams.

The trees, the oceans, the sky…

All sentient beings…screaming.

We’ve become deaf

As we cling to the silence.

The screaming too much to bear.

We’ve become blind

As we cling to the darkness.

Too painful to see.

I have no words of comfort.

I have nothing to offer.

Nothing changes as I weep.

I retreat back into the distraction of busy-ness…

I pretend I am not scared.

I pretend I am not running away from the truth.

I pretend I know what is true and what is false.

I built foundations rooted into the earth.

But there is no ground.

Nothing stays the same, yet I cling to same-ness.

Everything in transition.

Where are we going?

Why?

I am suffocating in this global rage…

This seemingly endless struggle against hate.

Am I alone in this?

It seems we are all gasping for air.

We are triggered as we watch a man begging to breathe.

We can’t breathe either.

There is a knee on everyone’s throat.

Shut up.

Stay home.

Be afraid.

Do as you’re told.

No sovereignty over our own bodies…

our own lives.

“They” know what is best for “us.”

Be good and follow the rules.

Work harder.

Think less.

Dumb it down with chemicals and denial.

Don’t ask questions.

Drink the Kool-Aid.

We are all in this together?

As puppets in a puppet show?

Who are the puppet masters?

I tell myself….

I am free to choose.

Love or hate?

Anger or forgiveness?

Sadness or joy?

Peace or chaos?

Light or darkness?

Perhaps I’ll lie down and take a rest here in the middle.

I am tired.

I cannot change the world.

I can only change my mind.

Namaste. 🙏🏻