“When you realise there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” ~Lao Tzu
This morning, as I embark on this 53rd trip around the sun, I am filled with so many beautiful and intense emotions.
I am literally in tears…
for all those who have touched my heart and left my life;
for all those who will always remain in my heart that I love so much;
for all the blessings bestowed on me and finally being able to received them all with open arms;
for all the healing work I’ve done these past few years, in particular, that have now led to this fertile and lush garden of bliss;
for all the hurt and betrayal that has really shown me how incredibly strong and brave I am and has actually opened my heart & up-levelled my compassion, making me softer and kinder;
for stepping into a life free from old narratives and negative storylines which used to have me hustling for my worth with crazy busyness and performing;
for releasing from my life all those incapable of seeing past their shadow and meeting me in the heart space;
for having the courage to embrace my shadow and letting the light touch it gently, illuminating where I still need to send some love and tenderness;
for all the amazing opportunities to love deeper, laugh harder, play and dance with abandon, grab hold of my passion with both hands & never letting go, and to be of divine service to all beings;
and for truly trusting that I am loved, supported and blessed.
I just can’t wait to see what the Universe has in store for me next….
What if we love as much as we’re capable of loving, even if it falls short of other’s expectations or needs?
What if our insecurities and fears are the cause of our harmful behaviour and has nothing to do with others?
What if we act out just because we are hurting?
What if forgiveness for all the hurt we cause each other is a blessing that will open our hearts to loving ourselves and others more deeply?
What if we are so desperate to prove our worth by “doing” in order to hide from our feelings of worthlessness that we just can’t see another way?
What if being asked to open our hearts and rise is simply out of our capacity right now?
What if what we truly need is something we can find within ourselves and we don’t need to look to others for it?
What if our suffering is so immense, we just need to hide for a bit to feel safe?
What if we simply lack the skills to navigate through our own painful emotions so cannot hold space for others in pain?
What if we stopped judging ourselves and others for how we show up in our pain and just had compassion instead?
What if we acknowledge we are all doing the very best we can when faced with difficult circumstances?
What if we stopped begrudging ourselves and others what little relief we can find in whatever ways we can find it, even if we don’t agree on each other’s methods?
What if the actions of others, their beliefs, opinions and harsh words have nothing to do with us and are merely reflections of their own heart that may broken, closed or healing from trauma?
What if the same is exactly true for us?
What if our fear of starting over is what causes us to behave in hurtful ways?
What if our true value is no longer defined by others?
What if we just gave thanks for the gifts in our lives that are here because of all the pain we’ve faced and overcome?
What if setting ourselves free is our greatest act of self love and inspires others to do the same?
What if we stopped looking backward and started focussing on all the blessings here, right now, and what is on its way to us?
What if we stopped clinging to old habits, to things, to ideas, to people that only weigh us down and prevent our ascension?
What if we placed all of our attention on the incredible life that awaits us when we let go of the storylines that threaten to destroy us?
What if we remember our divine “why” and followed our hearts instead of our minds?
Today I celebrate 28 years clean and sober. I’ll be honest… I sometimes take my sobriety for granted as it’s been my way of life for over half of my life and most days doesn’t seem like much of an accomplishment. But this year I really earned it!!!
I’ve been savagely betrayed by someone who was supposed to be my person.
I’ve walked away from a life I spent the past nearly 24 years building.
I’ve left my gorgeous mansion on the hill and am now renting a tiny cottage on a farm in Nelson; and I left most of my belongings behind so I can travel light.
I won’t lie… I woke up today full of terror and despair. Some days it just feels all too much. The universe has thrown nearly every challenge my way this past year and today I’m feeling exhausted and defeated.
BUT, in other news…. my beautiful daughter is well on her way to recovering her lost joy and is finding her passions and discovering her gifts.
My amazing son is happy, healthy and off to University in Auckland and enjoying his new adult life.
I have my precious fur babies back with me and they have been the antidote to my broken heart as nobody loves as deeply and unconditionally as dogs!
I am surrounded by so much love and support from both my soul whanau and even those I don’t know very well or haven’t really connected with in years. The outpouring of love from people far and wide has given me so much nourishment for my soul and hope for the future.
As sad and scared as I am, I also feel such a deep gratitude for this precious life and for all the blessings of the Universe that continue to carry me through this challenging time.
I’ve been presented with so many exciting opportunities to live my dream life and I KNOW that everything that was holding me back, weighing me down and poisoning my spirit needed to be stripped away so I could fly free toward my destiny.
Words fail to express how much I love and appreciate everyone who has supported me through this painful chapter.
You continually prop me up when I am collapsing, slap me silly when I am wallowing in self pity, tell me the truth when I’m lost in victim consciousness, encourage me when I lose my confidence, embrace me when I can’t stop crying, hold loving space for me when I’m enraged and just need to express it out loud, make me laugh out loud when I’m taking it all way too seriously, and when I feel like giving up, you remind me of my purpose and what I’m here to offer to the world.
So, thank you to everyone who has shown up for me this past year and I vow to honour your love by showing up and doing the work so I can live my greatest life and be that guiding light for others as you’ve been for me.
“We focus too much on the ones that turned their backs and not enough on the few that have our backs.” ~Liz Faublas
For the past 27+ years, I’ve been on an intense journey of discovery and healing. I’ve done (and continue to do) it all….. the 12 Steps, therapy, workshops, retreats, seminars, conferences, academic study, Buddhist study, research, tons and tons of reading, extensive travel, breath work, meditation, yoga, etc., etc…..
What I was hoping to achieve in all these pursuits was to heal ancient wounds, discover my divine purpose, expand my wisdom and knowledge, connect with my soul tribe, and uncover my true essence lying just below the surface of all the wrong ideas I had about myself taught to me by my ancestors, my culture and my community.
Throughout this journey, I’ve been challenged to grow, no matter how hard, painful, scary and overwhelming it was. I rose to every challenge and learned just how incredibly brave I am. I discovered a source of strength I would have never known existed had I not been forced to pull it out in an effort to survive.
For most of this year I’ve been in my own bubble of isolation. There was a serious disconnect between my inner wisdom and how I’ve been living my life. I struggled to figure out where the discrepancies lay. I was talking the talk but not walking the walk. I felt like a sham, faking my way through each miserable day. I knew under my desperate attempt to convince myself that my life was fine as it is, I was not showing up authentically and with vulnerability. I had created a hard shell around my protective bubble. What was the perceived threat? Could I face it, even if it meant the threat was coming from within? Could I listen to the inner voice that was trying so hard to tell me what was calling to me?
No! Too scary to even contemplate. So I kept myself busy and distracted. I dove into the more comfortable and familiar tasks and activities that didn’t ask too much of me, or negate the narrative I was clinging too. Until yesterday…
Yesterday, something happened that forced me out of my hiding, my inertia, my denial.
Someone I respected and wanted to believe I could trust weaponised my healing and wisdom journey and took aim right for my heart. The pain of that realisation was the fiercest I’ve ever experienced. To say I was devastated is an understatement. It was a violation so pure in its intensity, I thought I might die.
But then, like the Phoenix, the warrior in me rose to reclaim my truth, which shot through me like a lightening bolt! Their egregious tactical error was in trying to reframe my greatest strength, my superpower, into a weakness. Despite all my insecurities and self-doubt, I’ve always known I possess an indefatigable source of power…. enormous courage.
I will no longer hold the narrative that I’m broken, damaged, weak. It was an easy storyline to attempt to manipulate me with since it is an all too familiar one that I’ve believed my entire life. But to have it aimed at me like a weapon jolted me out of this slumber of depression that I had curled up with like a cozy blanket.
I am now wide awake and clear as crystal about who I am and what I’ve come here to do. My mission is clear. I am to continue on my journey of authentic self discovery and hold my truth with courage, and then to share the jewels of wisdom that reveal themselves with all who seek them.
It’s encouraging to finally start really seeing the benefits of all the amazing work I’ve done over the past (nearly) 3 decades that is really showing up and supporting me in this moment of clarity. I can see now that I was seeking this stable and unfailing strength and support from others who are stumbling through this thing called life just as clumsily as I am.
So, I want to thank you for showing me where I was stuck and for, once again, reminding me that I don’t need a hero.
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