Monthly Archives: October 2014

GRASPING JOY

Inspiration

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To experience being truly connected to my source energy and, therefore, all of creation, brings me peace. It is only when I’m not tapped into that flow that I experience anxiety, depression and loneliness. When I allow the flow, I find it impossible to feel anything other than supreme joy.

So why would I ever choose to return to a state of blocked energy, feeling cut off and alone? The answer is simple….habit. There’s an odd sense of security and comfort in the familiar, even when it’s toxic. There’s an illusion of control when I’m doing the habitual thing.

Another reason is that we often cling to those fleeting moments of joy for fear they’ll disappear. When we don’t recognise these moments as our natural state, instead seeing them as rare and precious, we become fearful of losing them. It’s like holding water in your hand. When you clench your fist to grasp the water, it slips away. We greedily cling in an attempt to hoard the good feeling, and in our desperation, we lose it.

The trick is to just allow it to unfold and accept it as our natural state of being. In this allowing we experience more moments of peace until this becomes the new habitual practice.

FREEDOM FROM SHAME

freedom, Inspiration, life, love, shame, truth, ,

freedom

In my desire to be free from shame and remove all the self-limiting beliefs I have about myself, I need to peel the layers of delusion and uncover the truth.

I spent the first half of my life living in a state of fear and fantasy.  I was always running away from what I perceived to be my lack of value.  Deep down, I truly believed I was unworthy of love, flawed, broken, unrecoverable.  I hid these feelings behind lies and bravado.  I thought if I could convince others I was strong, independent and confident, eventually it might come true.  What I didn’t realise at the time was that in my dishonesty, I was creating more shame, which led to more fear, which led to more dishonesty.  I was caught in vicious cycle that seemed to have no way out.  I would never find the freedom I craved until I stopped bullshitting myself and came clean.

In order to begin this process, it was important to find the source of all these mistaken ideas. I began with my resentments.  They serve as a rich guide, as I tend to resent in others what I most need to acknowledge in myself.  When I took a cold, hard look at these, my patterns became very clear.  I learned some painful truths about my behaviours and expectations.  I saw that I was looking to others to fulfil my need to feel safe, secure and loved.  Others’ behaviour had to meet unreasonable and unattainable levels of perfection and when they didn’t, a judgement was rendered and a resentment was created.  I was wildly creative in my narrative, both to myself and anyone who would listen.  My powers of rationalisation are extraordinary.  Couple that with a robust story-telling ability, and a “truth” was born.  When I tell these truths long enough, they become fact, lodged in concrete, rigid. 

Exploring my resentments from a place of rigorous honesty and non-judgement, with the intention of uncovering my true essence, took an act of courage and a giant leap of faith… faith that once I see who I really am, underneath all the fear and lies designed to protect my ego’s stronghold over my life, I will find a magnificent being, pure in energy and love. 

Through this exercise in honest awareness, I was liberated from my secret shame and a magnificent, authentic being is what I found, with joy right behind.