In my desire to be free from shame and remove all the self-limiting beliefs I have about myself, I need to peel the layers of delusion and uncover the truth.
I spent the first half of my life living in a state of fear and fantasy. I was always running away from what I perceived to be my lack of value. Deep down, I truly believed I was unworthy of love, flawed, broken, unrecoverable. I hid these feelings behind lies and bravado. I thought if I could convince others I was strong, independent and confident, eventually it might come true. What I didn’t realise at the time was that in my dishonesty, I was creating more shame, which led to more fear, which led to more dishonesty. I was caught in vicious cycle that seemed to have no way out. I would never find the freedom I craved until I stopped bullshitting myself and came clean.
In order to begin this process, it was important to find the source of all these mistaken ideas. I began with my resentments. They serve as a rich guide, as I tend to resent in others what I most need to acknowledge in myself. When I took a cold, hard look at these, my patterns became very clear. I learned some painful truths about my behaviours and expectations. I saw that I was looking to others to fulfil my need to feel safe, secure and loved. Others’ behaviour had to meet unreasonable and unattainable levels of perfection and when they didn’t, a judgement was rendered and a resentment was created. I was wildly creative in my narrative, both to myself and anyone who would listen. My powers of rationalisation are extraordinary. Couple that with a robust story-telling ability, and a “truth” was born. When I tell these truths long enough, they become fact, lodged in concrete, rigid.
Exploring my resentments from a place of rigorous honesty and non-judgement, with the intention of uncovering my true essence, took an act of courage and a giant leap of faith… faith that once I see who I really am, underneath all the fear and lies designed to protect my ego’s stronghold over my life, I will find a magnificent being, pure in energy and love.
Through this exercise in honest awareness, I was liberated from my secret shame and a magnificent, authentic being is what I found, with joy right behind.