“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?” ~Rumi
As another year comes to a close, I am astounded that I’m still standing.
So many times I have been knocked down and struggled to get up. So many times I wanted to just give up. So many sleepless nights fraught with anxiety and rage. So many fantasies about eternal sleep.
Then I am gifted with a powerful message from the Great Sphinx of Giza. I am called to her… to lay my hands on her and receive her ancient wisdom….
“REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. When you remember how powerful and precious you are, there is nothing to fear. When you remember your divinity, all feelings of not being good enough, of not being worthy of love will fall away. Stand strong in truth & integrity and know that you are loved, protected and valued beyond measure.”
As I received these words, I broke down and sobbed. I cried for my younger self who endured so much suffering at the hands of others. I cried for all the abuse I inflicted on myself because of the very wrong ideas that sprang from this suffering that told me I am unworthy of love.
I cried for all the years I spent hustling for my worth in doing, doing, doing trying to prove I had value at the expense of my physical and emotional health.
Those lost to their own sense of worth will never see it in another, so spending my life trying to seek that validation from others was a fool’s errand. Our value is inherent…. The choice to hand that power over to another wounded soul seems silly to me now. How lost and misguided I was.
Now is the time for reclamation.
As I reflect on my recent experiences in Egypt, I am profoundly grateful for the powerful message from the Sphinx and the call to courage bestowed upon me.
I am exhausted and overwhelmed but I am clear on my mission and trust that I am fully supported and capable of navigating whatever challenges come my way.
I leave you with these words:
“Go at it boldly, and you’ll find unexpected forces closing round you and coming to your aid.”
The past few birthdays have brought a reckoning for me.
I’m usually found crying, raging, or both. Each year I fall into a pit of despair and self pity. And then an epic existential crisis unfolds….
Why am I here?
What is the point of it all?
What have I accomplished that has any real value?
Am I truly loved?
How can I truly love others if I don’t love myself?
Did I fail as a mother, a wife, a friend?
Did I take more than I gave?
Did I sacrifice too much for safety and security?
Did I waste my life by not following my own dreams?
And on and on it goes….
But these breakdowns always precede the breakthroughs.
When I feel my heart breaking, I lean in and then pivot.
I allow my heart to break… wide open.
Now is the time for courage…
For releasing the false truths that bind me to suffering….
For trust.
For dreams to unfold.
No more shame inducing toxic positivity.
No more ego driven pursuits.
No more resistance to vulnerability.
No more meeting bitterness with bitterness.
In hating my enemy, I have become my own worst enemy.
I will stand up for truth and honour… WITH truth and honour.
I will not be reduced by the ancient storylines of trauma, my own or another’s.
I will feel all the feels and express them openly and unapologetically.
I’m no longer interested in false bravado for image’s sake.
My strength and resilience are the truest gifts of suffering.
My strife has been my greatest ally….
A faithful servant no matter how much I rage against it.
I am in the arena getting my ass kicked.
That is what I signed up for in this life.
I chose the path of the warrior.
Some days I quiver and fall apart, but I always get back up and get back in the arena.
Why? Well… this quote by Brene Brown says it best….
“I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked.
We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.
Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.
Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.
A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They just hurl mean-spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance.
The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives.
For me, if you’re not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”
Today I was despairing over the realisation that forgiving someone, whose continuing actions of general douchebaggery knows no bounds, was simply outside my wheelhouse.
I was then reminded by my gorgeous and very wise sister, Lisa, that perhaps the work is to forgive myself.
Truth bomb! 💣
Of course this needs to come first. If I can’t do this for myself, there is no way I can forgive anyone else.
I must find a way to forgive myself for the part I played in this clusterfu€k of a situation.
For my wilful ignorance… For giving away my power… For trusting someone who is simply untrustworthy… For ignoring all the red flags because they got in the way of what I wanted… For selling my soul for a false sense of security and the illusion of stable ground under my feet… For choosing ease and comfort over courage.
And in the spirit of full transparency, I admit that my fu€king ego liked the status and luxury this new life afforded me.
I was sick of the hustle and the struggle. So I made what I thought was the “safe” choice over the many braver choices available to me.
I could never regret the choice I made, however, as it brought two extraordinary humans into the world that I love and treasure more than life itself.
But the reckoning has come. It’s time to take this sword away that consistently hangs over my head by finding the courage to face the truth that I chickened out.
That I clung to all the carefully constructed lies he told because it was easier than facing the truth, which would’ve required me to leave much sooner than I did.
Instead I chose a superficial life over a more authentic and connected one.
I chose quantity over quality.
So… where to from here?
I guess this public confession is as good a place to start as any.
I know that shame can only live in darkness, in secrecy, so saying it out loud is the most potent medicine I can apply to the oozing wound of distain that has been festering in my heart these past too many years.
They say resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Insanity at its finest!
So there it is. My shame, my sadness, my intense desire to release all the cords of disappointment and betrayal that keep me psychically tied to this poisonous union.
One day soon, I hope that I will find forgiveness in my heart so that I can set myself free.
Only I hold the keys to my liberation.
I once chose the gilded cage and now it is time to choose freedom. To choose trust over fear, courage over comfort, forgiveness over judgement.
“He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known, because she had ventured so far into emotion and had abandoned herself to it.”
― Anaïs Nin
Years ago… A brutal betrayal.
I was gaslit, shut down, silenced.
I was crazy, over-emotional, paranoid…
An “Angry Woman.”
I shed bitter tears,
The betrayal impossible to face.
You denied it with an expert sleight of hand…
You called me damaged when I spoke my truth.
I had no proof, no hard evidence,
only my deep intuitive Knowing.
I chose to betray my Knowing…
Too scared to face what I had to do….
to walk away.
I swallowed my fear, my anger.
I will prove my worth to you by Doing.
I will stay too busy for the truth to catch up to me.
I will quiet down my too muchness, my voice.
I will ignore the lies, the treason.
Your shadow will be a fine place to hide.
In your shadow I’ll pretend I am happy, loved, secure.
I will join you in your dreams and put aside my silly longing.
I will play small and not rock the shaky foundation our life was built upon.
Your false narrative of who I am…
angry, damaged, judgemental
Was too strong for me to fight against…
So easy for me to believe
because you used my wounds against me.
Knowing where my shame lived, you aimed it at my heart
Breaking it into pieces.
I didn’t know I was holding your shame too.
Protecting you from the consequences of your actions
Actions designed to hide from your shame.
You avoid it at all costs,
no matter the suffering it causes.
Your Doing for others is not motivated by kindness
But to prove your own worth, deny your shame,
protect your image as the hero.
Your patterns are rooted in the trauma you refuse to acknowledge.
Habits in place to shut out the truth of your emptiness,
your closed heart.
Then came another betrayal.
You expertly deflected, lied, manipulated.
This time my Knowing would not be silenced.
My sacred anger rose up and would no longer be ignored.
Anger had a story to tell…
my boundaries were being violated,
I was being lied to, dishonoured.
You gifted me another chance to rise up and speak my truth.
You thought no one knew,
but when your deceit was revealed,
it was pointed back at you.
No more denial.
No more excuses.
No more hoping.
You look for love,
but true love isn’t found in lies.
True love isn’t found in the shadows
Or kept hidden in the closet.
I was once the woman in your closet.
You lied and hid me from Her.
It’s just to protect yourself from the Angry Woman, you said.
I believed you.
Now, I’m on the other side of the closet door.
I’m playing the part of the Angry Woman to the new lover.
Is your story the same?
Am I the one who doesn’t show you affection,
or pay you enough compliments?
Did you tell her the truth of your betrayals?
Did she know we were still together?
Or did she not mind being the other woman?
You play the victim well.
No accountability, no integrity.
I’ve seen this movie before.
Same script, different actress.
Same leading man.
You will drive her to become the next Angry Woman in your story…
And the cycle continues.
But I am free.
The hurt of your last betrayal has lit a fire in my soul.
I am rising and claiming back my power.
I will let go of your shame and leave it on your doorstep,
To bypass, pass on to another, or bury.
I will not clean up after you anymore…
I see the truth of who you are and what you do.
Another one who sees under your mask….
You took her out of the closet and called it “new.”
But NO ONE believes you. We all know the truth.
You played your hand and lost.
I am finally free.
For the next great love that awaits me won’t be born from deceit.
It won’t be hidden or require sneaking around in the dark.
My love will be enjoyed in the light of day,
not in the shadows.
There will be no casualties, no collateral damage.
True love is coming for me
and my heart is open to it..
With my integrity intact,
with courage and honour by my side.
Your many betrayals closed my heart to love.
I didn’t want to believe you when you told me you don’t love.
It was the truest thing you ever said.
I am free now to be loved by those who know how.
I am no longer carrying the heavy weight of that which is not mine.
I will share these powerful lessons with the world
So I may help those still held back by shame and fear,
their own or another’s.
I will no longer betray my deep Knowing…
My heart will show me the way home, back to my heart,
To my calling, my dreams, my gifts to offer up to the Universe.
I hold my sacred anger with love.
I will allow my voice to be heard.
I will embrace my divine power and stand quietly in my truth.
Nothing more to prove.
I benefit no one by playing small.
My worth is no longer defined by you,
By busyness or Doing.
My gift is my authenticity…
My vulnerability,
My mystical powers of sight.
I am truly grateful for your lies…
that brought me back to truth.
Thank you for showing me just how brave and strong I am.
Thank you for forcing me out of the nest,
For making me spread my wings and fly.
It wasn’t your mind’s intention, but the results are the same.
Our soul contract is complete.
I wish you well on your journey.
May you find the courage to face your shame and be transformed by it.
May you break the patterns that keep you stuck in ancient trauma
and heal your wounded heart.
Remember…. a broken heart is an open heart.
May you allow a crack of light into the dark chambers of your heart so you may see the work to be done.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dream for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon… I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful to be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
“We focus too much on the ones that turned their backs and not enough on the few that have our backs.” ~Liz Faublas
For the past 27+ years, I’ve been on an intense journey of discovery and healing. I’ve done (and continue to do) it all….. the 12 Steps, therapy, workshops, retreats, seminars, conferences, academic study, Buddhist study, research, tons and tons of reading, extensive travel, breath work, meditation, yoga, etc., etc…..
What I was hoping to achieve in all these pursuits was to heal ancient wounds, discover my divine purpose, expand my wisdom and knowledge, connect with my soul tribe, and uncover my true essence lying just below the surface of all the wrong ideas I had about myself taught to me by my ancestors, my culture and my community.
Throughout this journey, I’ve been challenged to grow, no matter how hard, painful, scary and overwhelming it was. I rose to every challenge and learned just how incredibly brave I am. I discovered a source of strength I would have never known existed had I not been forced to pull it out in an effort to survive.
For most of this year I’ve been in my own bubble of isolation. There was a serious disconnect between my inner wisdom and how I’ve been living my life. I struggled to figure out where the discrepancies lay. I was talking the talk but not walking the walk. I felt like a sham, faking my way through each miserable day. I knew under my desperate attempt to convince myself that my life was fine as it is, I was not showing up authentically and with vulnerability. I had created a hard shell around my protective bubble. What was the perceived threat? Could I face it, even if it meant the threat was coming from within? Could I listen to the inner voice that was trying so hard to tell me what was calling to me?
No! Too scary to even contemplate. So I kept myself busy and distracted. I dove into the more comfortable and familiar tasks and activities that didn’t ask too much of me, or negate the narrative I was clinging too. Until yesterday…
Yesterday, something happened that forced me out of my hiding, my inertia, my denial.
Someone I respected and wanted to believe I could trust weaponised my healing and wisdom journey and took aim right for my heart. The pain of that realisation was the fiercest I’ve ever experienced. To say I was devastated is an understatement. It was a violation so pure in its intensity, I thought I might die.
But then, like the Phoenix, the warrior in me rose to reclaim my truth, which shot through me like a lightening bolt! Their egregious tactical error was in trying to reframe my greatest strength, my superpower, into a weakness. Despite all my insecurities and self-doubt, I’ve always known I possess an indefatigable source of power…. enormous courage.
I will no longer hold the narrative that I’m broken, damaged, weak. It was an easy storyline to attempt to manipulate me with since it is an all too familiar one that I’ve believed my entire life. But to have it aimed at me like a weapon jolted me out of this slumber of depression that I had curled up with like a cozy blanket.
I am now wide awake and clear as crystal about who I am and what I’ve come here to do. My mission is clear. I am to continue on my journey of authentic self discovery and hold my truth with courage, and then to share the jewels of wisdom that reveal themselves with all who seek them.
It’s encouraging to finally start really seeing the benefits of all the amazing work I’ve done over the past (nearly) 3 decades that is really showing up and supporting me in this moment of clarity. I can see now that I was seeking this stable and unfailing strength and support from others who are stumbling through this thing called life just as clumsily as I am.
So, I want to thank you for showing me where I was stuck and for, once again, reminding me that I don’t need a hero.
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