A path to healing
Please don’t misunderstand me. I am certainly not implying that pain and grief are fun, or trying to minimise their effects on us, nor am I denying the importance of allowing them a seat at the table. I’m simply saying that even whilst navigating deep grief, or trauma, I can still have some fucking fun!
My 30+ years of healing my grief and trauma through far too many modalities to list here has led me to one simple truth…. Finding some fun (and, dare I say it….joy), even in the midst of pain, is as essential to healing as the more traditional paths, such as counselling, devotional practices, body/somatic work, just to name a few. I have tried nearly everything out there in an attempt to process and heal from trauma and grief. And most provided enormous benefits and gave me a rich treasure-trove of tools in which to draw from.
In all this healing, I heard a lot of… “Lean in”, “Surrender”, “Feel it fully and don’t bypass”, “Raise your vibration”, and, “You just need to manifest a different reality” (while I see some validity in these last two statements, I don’t love them as they can come across as shaming). Suffice it to say, while all this well-meaning advice has its merits, and I have found great value in the practices that facilitated these pearls of wisdom, there was something missing. And that something was fun…and finding some joy on this healing journey. I had somehow curled up with my pain like a cozy and familiar blanket. I think holding onto it so closely gave me a sense of control and comfort, but really just fed me more pain and reinforced my negative mental dialog that I admit I still sometimes run on a loop.
One of the biggest risks in trauma/grief work that I experienced was a sort of identification with the trauma, which turned into a personality trait (who I am) and an appraisal of my worth. Some of the most egregious examples look like this:
- “If I hadn’t been there in the first place, or just fought harder against it, I wouldn’t have been s*xually harassed or assaulted”, which I decided meant that I was stupid and weak and, therefore, brought it on myself (this was an easy conclusion to draw with how we’ve seen SA victims treated by society and the legal system);
- “They left me, therefore, I must be unloveable”, which turned into a formidable armour designed to protect me from ever feeling the pain of abandonment again;
- “They really let me down or rejected me, therefore, I can’t count on anyone”, which turned into hyper-independence (and while I do believe this made me stronger and more resilient in some ways, it also rendered me unwilling to ask for, or accept help from others, lest I be considered a burden or co-dependent);
- And lastly…. “I allowed this abuse/poor treatment, therefore, it’s all my fault and I deserve this”, which I took as proof of my deepest fear… that I am unworthy of love, respect or kindness.
Before recognising and calling out the abusive, manipulative and flat-out toxic behaviours I was encountering, I gaslit myself into believing that if I embodied the following, I could stop bringing the abuse or mistreatment on myself and finally be worthy of love and acceptance (it actually makes me cringe with embarrassment to write all this, but it’s what I truly believed):
- Be smaller (literally and figuratively take up less space);
- Give more grace, be quieter and more peaceful (aka “no drama”);
- If I pour everything into him, I’ll somehow get my needs met without having to ask so as not to be perceived as a nag or burden;
- Don’t express disappointment (I must always be grateful);
- Never express anger, regardless of how badly I am treated (nothing worse than an angry woman!);
- Never judge people’s bad behaviour as it’s just their unhealed trauma, so I must be kind (while mostly true, I now know it should never be used as a free pass to continue behaving badly or abusively);
- Always give the benefit of the doubt (they didn’t mean it, or were just kidding), which is just code for “lighten up and ignore my gut” (this is particularly gas-lighty in the face of a clear boundary violation);
- Be more forgiving, which, on its face feels like sage advice, however, it’s often weaponised by the one behaving badly so they can keep doing what they want and the emotional labour is now on me to rise above and forgive so I’m not left with the burden of resentment.
I’d like to point out here that I’m not saying that forgiving and showing kindness and compassion is wrong, I’m just saying when it’s used as justification for tolerating abuse and manipulation, it ends up causing even more harm. My misogynistic conditioning was so imbedded in my consciousness, I never even saw it, which is the Patriarchy’s greatest trick for the subjugation and compliance of women, but I digress….
Now, just for funsies…. Let’s play the “What if” game.
What if I didn’t let grief and trauma run the show and I chose to put it down for a minute and let in some joy?
What if I chose to dance when I felt heavy and overwhelmed with sadness, instead of curling up with it?
What if I risked disappointment and asked for help when I need it so I’m not holding everything alone?
What if I put down my armour and let people show up for me, hold me, love me?
What if I let the pain be here and still made space for fun?
What if I did all the things that light me up and excite me, despite the pain?
What if all the conclusions I made about myself while experiencing mistreatment or neglect were simply not true?
What if I released the heaviness and just enjoyed pure, child-like, blissful, unadulterated fun?
What if indeed!
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