Today I was despairing over the realisation that forgiving someone, whose continuing actions of general douchebaggery knows no bounds, was simply outside my wheelhouse.
I was then reminded by my gorgeous and very wise sister, Lisa, that perhaps the work is to forgive myself.
Truth bomb! 💣
Of course this needs to come first. If I can’t do this for myself, there is no way I can forgive anyone else.
I must find a way to forgive myself for the part I played in this clusterfu€k of a situation.
For my wilful ignorance… For giving away my power… For trusting someone who is simply untrustworthy… For ignoring all the red flags because they got in the way of what I wanted… For selling my soul for a false sense of security and the illusion of stable ground under my feet… For choosing ease and comfort over courage.
And in the spirit of full transparency, I admit that my fu€king ego liked the status and luxury this new life afforded me.
I was sick of the hustle and the struggle. So I made what I thought was the “safe” choice over the many braver choices available to me.
I could never regret the choice I made, however, as it brought two extraordinary humans into the world that I love and treasure more than life itself.
But the reckoning has come. It’s time to take this sword away that consistently hangs over my head by finding the courage to face the truth that I chickened out.
That I clung to all the carefully constructed lies he told because it was easier than facing the truth, which would’ve required me to leave much sooner than I did.
Instead I chose a superficial life over a more authentic and connected one.
I chose quantity over quality.
So… where to from here?
I guess this public confession is as good a place to start as any.
I know that shame can only live in darkness, in secrecy, so saying it out loud is the most potent medicine I can apply to the oozing wound of distain that has been festering in my heart these past too many years.
They say resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Insanity at its finest!
So there it is. My shame, my sadness, my intense desire to release all the cords of disappointment and betrayal that keep me psychically tied to this poisonous union.
One day soon, I hope that I will find forgiveness in my heart so that I can set myself free.
Only I hold the keys to my liberation.
I once chose the gilded cage and now it is time to choose freedom. To choose trust over fear, courage over comfort, forgiveness over judgement.
All alone with my shadow For far too long I have been swallowed up Only my shadow remains Empty shoes where I used to stand A formless fraud Pretending myself into being Laughing, crying, raging Anything to feel alive So so tired now Yet unable to find solace in sleep Peace evades me I keep getting back up After each knock down I can’t seem to help it My longing for love is greater than my sorrow The seductive void calls to me Trust, trust, trust… My mantra Will the light return? Or have I finally been extinguished? Sweet surrender is where I’ll find my bliss.
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