“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?” ~Rumi
As another year comes to a close, I am astounded that I’m still standing.
So many times I have been knocked down and struggled to get up. So many times I wanted to just give up. So many sleepless nights fraught with anxiety and rage. So many fantasies about eternal sleep.
Then I am gifted with a powerful message from the Great Sphinx of Giza. I am called to her… to lay my hands on her and receive her ancient wisdom….
“REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. When you remember how powerful and precious you are, there is nothing to fear. When you remember your divinity, all feelings of not being good enough, of not being worthy of love will fall away. Stand strong in truth & integrity and know that you are loved, protected and valued beyond measure.”
As I received these words, I broke down and sobbed. I cried for my younger self who endured so much suffering at the hands of others. I cried for all the abuse I inflicted on myself because of the very wrong ideas that sprang from this suffering that told me I am unworthy of love.
I cried for all the years I spent hustling for my worth in doing, doing, doing trying to prove I had value at the expense of my physical and emotional health.
Those lost to their own sense of worth will never see it in another, so spending my life trying to seek that validation from others was a fool’s errand. Our value is inherent…. The choice to hand that power over to another wounded soul seems silly to me now. How lost and misguided I was.
Now is the time for reclamation.
As I reflect on my recent experiences in Egypt, I am profoundly grateful for the powerful message from the Sphinx and the call to courage bestowed upon me.
I am exhausted and overwhelmed but I am clear on my mission and trust that I am fully supported and capable of navigating whatever challenges come my way.
I leave you with these words:
“Go at it boldly, and you’ll find unexpected forces closing round you and coming to your aid.”
All alone with my shadow For far too long I have been swallowed up Only my shadow remains Empty shoes where I used to stand A formless fraud Pretending myself into being Laughing, crying, raging Anything to feel alive So so tired now Yet unable to find solace in sleep Peace evades me I keep getting back up After each knock down I can’t seem to help it My longing for love is greater than my sorrow The seductive void calls to me Trust, trust, trust… My mantra Will the light return? Or have I finally been extinguished? Sweet surrender is where I’ll find my bliss.
“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” ― Rumi
“When you realise there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” ~Lao Tzu
This morning, as I embark on this 53rd trip around the sun, I am filled with so many beautiful and intense emotions.
I am literally in tears…
for all those who have touched my heart and left my life;
for all those who will always remain in my heart that I love so much;
for all the blessings bestowed on me and finally being able to received them all with open arms;
for all the healing work I’ve done these past few years, in particular, that have now led to this fertile and lush garden of bliss;
for all the hurt and betrayal that has really shown me how incredibly strong and brave I am and has actually opened my heart & up-levelled my compassion, making me softer and kinder;
for stepping into a life free from old narratives and negative storylines which used to have me hustling for my worth with crazy busyness and performing;
for releasing from my life all those incapable of seeing past their shadow and meeting me in the heart space;
for having the courage to embrace my shadow and letting the light touch it gently, illuminating where I still need to send some love and tenderness;
for all the amazing opportunities to love deeper, laugh harder, play and dance with abandon, grab hold of my passion with both hands & never letting go, and to be of divine service to all beings;
and for truly trusting that I am loved, supported and blessed.
I just can’t wait to see what the Universe has in store for me next….
“He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known, because she had ventured so far into emotion and had abandoned herself to it.”
― Anaïs Nin
Years ago… A brutal betrayal.
I was gaslit, shut down, silenced.
I was crazy, over-emotional, paranoid…
An “Angry Woman.”
I shed bitter tears,
The betrayal impossible to face.
You denied it with an expert sleight of hand…
You called me damaged when I spoke my truth.
I had no proof, no hard evidence,
only my deep intuitive Knowing.
I chose to betray my Knowing…
Too scared to face what I had to do….
to walk away.
I swallowed my fear, my anger.
I will prove my worth to you by Doing.
I will stay too busy for the truth to catch up to me.
I will quiet down my too muchness, my voice.
I will ignore the lies, the treason.
Your shadow will be a fine place to hide.
In your shadow I’ll pretend I am happy, loved, secure.
I will join you in your dreams and put aside my silly longing.
I will play small and not rock the shaky foundation our life was built upon.
Your false narrative of who I am…
angry, damaged, judgemental
Was too strong for me to fight against…
So easy for me to believe
because you used my wounds against me.
Knowing where my shame lived, you aimed it at my heart
Breaking it into pieces.
I didn’t know I was holding your shame too.
Protecting you from the consequences of your actions
Actions designed to hide from your shame.
You avoid it at all costs,
no matter the suffering it causes.
Your Doing for others is not motivated by kindness
But to prove your own worth, deny your shame,
protect your image as the hero.
Your patterns are rooted in the trauma you refuse to acknowledge.
Habits in place to shut out the truth of your emptiness,
your closed heart.
Then came another betrayal.
You expertly deflected, lied, manipulated.
This time my Knowing would not be silenced.
My sacred anger rose up and would no longer be ignored.
Anger had a story to tell…
my boundaries were being violated,
I was being lied to, dishonoured.
You gifted me another chance to rise up and speak my truth.
You thought no one knew,
but when your deceit was revealed,
it was pointed back at you.
No more denial.
No more excuses.
No more hoping.
You look for love,
but true love isn’t found in lies.
True love isn’t found in the shadows
Or kept hidden in the closet.
I was once the woman in your closet.
You lied and hid me from Her.
It’s just to protect yourself from the Angry Woman, you said.
I believed you.
Now, I’m on the other side of the closet door.
I’m playing the part of the Angry Woman to the new lover.
Is your story the same?
Am I the one who doesn’t show you affection,
or pay you enough compliments?
Did you tell her the truth of your betrayals?
Did she know we were still together?
Or did she not mind being the other woman?
You play the victim well.
No accountability, no integrity.
I’ve seen this movie before.
Same script, different actress.
Same leading man.
You will drive her to become the next Angry Woman in your story…
And the cycle continues.
But I am free.
The hurt of your last betrayal has lit a fire in my soul.
I am rising and claiming back my power.
I will let go of your shame and leave it on your doorstep,
To bypass, pass on to another, or bury.
I will not clean up after you anymore…
I see the truth of who you are and what you do.
Another one who sees under your mask….
You took her out of the closet and called it “new.”
But NO ONE believes you. We all know the truth.
You played your hand and lost.
I am finally free.
For the next great love that awaits me won’t be born from deceit.
It won’t be hidden or require sneaking around in the dark.
My love will be enjoyed in the light of day,
not in the shadows.
There will be no casualties, no collateral damage.
True love is coming for me
and my heart is open to it..
With my integrity intact,
with courage and honour by my side.
Your many betrayals closed my heart to love.
I didn’t want to believe you when you told me you don’t love.
It was the truest thing you ever said.
I am free now to be loved by those who know how.
I am no longer carrying the heavy weight of that which is not mine.
I will share these powerful lessons with the world
So I may help those still held back by shame and fear,
their own or another’s.
I will no longer betray my deep Knowing…
My heart will show me the way home, back to my heart,
To my calling, my dreams, my gifts to offer up to the Universe.
I hold my sacred anger with love.
I will allow my voice to be heard.
I will embrace my divine power and stand quietly in my truth.
Nothing more to prove.
I benefit no one by playing small.
My worth is no longer defined by you,
By busyness or Doing.
My gift is my authenticity…
My vulnerability,
My mystical powers of sight.
I am truly grateful for your lies…
that brought me back to truth.
Thank you for showing me just how brave and strong I am.
Thank you for forcing me out of the nest,
For making me spread my wings and fly.
It wasn’t your mind’s intention, but the results are the same.
Our soul contract is complete.
I wish you well on your journey.
May you find the courage to face your shame and be transformed by it.
May you break the patterns that keep you stuck in ancient trauma
and heal your wounded heart.
Remember…. a broken heart is an open heart.
May you allow a crack of light into the dark chambers of your heart so you may see the work to be done.
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