Tag Archives: love

The Beautifully Ugly Truth

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The past few birthdays have brought a reckoning for me.

I’m usually found crying, raging, or both. Each year I fall into a pit of despair and self pity. And then an epic existential crisis unfolds….

Why am I here?

What is the point of it all?

What have I accomplished that has any real value?

Am I truly loved?

How can I truly love others if I don’t love myself?

Did I fail as a mother, a wife, a friend?

Did I take more than I gave?

Did I sacrifice too much for safety and security?

Did I waste my life by not following my own dreams?

And on and on it goes….

But these breakdowns always precede the breakthroughs.

When I feel my heart breaking, I lean in and then pivot.

I allow my heart to break… wide open.

Now is the time for courage…

For releasing the false truths that bind me to suffering….

For trust.

For dreams to unfold.

No more shame inducing toxic positivity.

No more ego driven pursuits.

No more resistance to vulnerability.

No more meeting bitterness with bitterness.

In hating my enemy, I have become my own worst enemy.

I will stand up for truth and honour… WITH truth and honour.

I will not be reduced by the ancient storylines of trauma, my own or another’s.

I will feel all the feels and express them openly and unapologetically.

I’m no longer interested in false bravado for image’s sake.

My strength and resilience are the truest gifts of suffering.

My strife has been my greatest ally….

A faithful servant no matter how much I rage against it.

I am in the arena getting my ass kicked.

That is what I signed up for in this life.

I chose the path of the warrior.

Some days I quiver and fall apart, but I always get back up and get back in the arena.

Why? Well… this quote by Brene Brown says it best….

“I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked.

We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.

Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.

Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.

A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They just hurl mean-spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance.

The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives.

For me, if you’re not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”

Brené Brown, Rising Strong

Many blessings, Jana ✨💠✨

Forgiveness – The Antidote

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Today I was despairing over the realisation that forgiving someone, whose continuing actions of general douchebaggery knows no bounds, was simply outside my wheelhouse.

I was then reminded by my gorgeous and very wise sister, Lisa, that perhaps the work is to forgive myself.

Truth bomb! 💣

Of course this needs to come first.
If I can’t do this for myself, there is no way I can forgive anyone else.

I must find a way to forgive myself for the part I played in this clusterfu€k of a situation.

For my wilful ignorance…
For giving away my power…
For trusting someone who is simply untrustworthy…
For ignoring all the red flags because they got in the way of what I wanted…
For selling my soul for a false sense of security and the illusion of stable ground under my feet…
For choosing ease and comfort
over courage.

And in the spirit of full transparency, I admit that my fu€king ego liked the status and luxury this new life afforded me.

I was sick of the hustle and the struggle.
So I made what I thought was the “safe” choice over the many braver choices available to me.

I could never regret the choice
I made, however, as it brought two extraordinary humans into the world that I love and treasure
more than life itself.

But the reckoning has come.
It’s time to take this sword away that consistently hangs over my head by finding the courage to face the truth that I chickened out.

That I clung to all the carefully constructed lies he told because it was easier than facing the truth, which would’ve required me to leave much sooner than I did.

Instead I chose a superficial life over a more authentic and connected one.


I chose quantity over quality.

So… where to from here?

I guess this public confession is as good a place to start as any.

I know that shame can only live in darkness, in secrecy, so saying it out loud is the most potent medicine I can apply to the oozing wound of distain that has been festering in my heart these past too many years.

They say resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Insanity at its finest!

So there it is.
My shame, my sadness, my intense desire to release all the cords of disappointment and betrayal that keep me psychically tied to this poisonous union.

One day soon, I hope that I will find forgiveness in my heart so that I can set myself free.

Only I hold the keys to my liberation.

I once chose the gilded cage and now it is time to choose freedom.
To choose trust over fear,
courage over comfort,
forgiveness over judgement.

To choose love above all else.❣️

Forgiveness

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forgiveness

such a sweet, tender gift

we give ourselves

lost in blame,

shame and bitterness

we lose our capacity for love

love cannot flourish

when hatred is present

contempt blocks and binds

our spirits

embrace the sadness

that lies beneath our sacred anger

a broken heart

is an open heart

savour the blessings

of pain

our greatest teacher

see our hurt

mirrored by others

do not hold tightly to suffering

do not curl up with it

like a warm blanket

that comforts and soothes

rather it obscures

a sticky illusion

trapping us

preventing our ascension

there is no bounty in grasping

clinging to righteousness

which leaves our hands full

unable to receive love

there is much work to do

to unravel what is ours to hold

and what to hand back to another

release what is not yours

there is no bypass

no avoidance offered

the only way past

is through

sit with the discomfort

learn the art

of beautiful boundaries

an act of love

for ourselves and others

hold your truth

and another’s

with compassion

both are messengers

delivering wisdom

do not get lost in the storylines

the symptoms

the excuses

journey within

seek the source

the ancient scar

that sits beneath our anger

where do we need to heal

to apply the medicine of love

release fear

so we can forgive

find the wound

touch the tender sadness

hold ourselves in a gentle embrace

no judgement

of how we choose to heal

pain is a sacred invitation

a gift of the heart

lean in

let go

allow love to transform

move freely

like a powerful tide

ebbing and flowing

nourishing

in the words of Sarah Blondin:

“breathe

be

receive

breathe

be

receive

breathe

be

receive”

🙏🏻

The Wounding

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“Your word travels the entirety of space and reaches my cells which are my stars then goes to yours which are my light.”

~Frida Kahlo

I thought my heart irrevocably broken

That I would never again feel whole

Each shattered piece

Piercing

Bleeding

A hurt so intense

I thought I might die

When you kiss my wound

It stings

The delicious pain

Of being brought back to life

Will I ever trust again?

Betraying myself

Trying to love someone too broken to receive it

Am I too broken now to receive your love?

I sprinkled my wounds

With fairy dust and sparkles

Pretended to be fierce

Beyond reach

To those who sought to harm me

The same who once claimed to love me

Still…

The arrow got through

My armour disguised as enlightenment

True love doesn’t require an armouring

Does it?

But what do I know of true love…

I only know betrayal

Lies and deceit

Frost bite

Disguised as affection

Abandonment

Disguised as support

Bullying

Disguised as protection

And then you come along

Tending to all my wounds

With such delicate care and devotion

So gentle and reverent

You hold my heart

Tenderly

I push you away

Again and again

Yet you remain steadfast

And dedicated

Courageous and strong

Afraid of losing you

I ran away

Before another wounding

Another devastating loss

That would surely destroy me this time

We were destined

To find our way back together

To traverse this love

This life

Hand in hand

Healing each other

Along the way

I can shed my heavy armour

Finally

You remind me

Of who I am

Underneath all the wounds

Of my strength

My courage

My capacity for love

You know heartbreak and betrayal

Intimately

Yet you love with such stubborn loyalty

Showing me my heart is safe in your hands

I thought I knew what love was

I had every exact detail written in stone

What a fool I was

Loving and embracing

each other’s and our own perfect imperfections

Trusting each other to hold our vulnerability

A life of

Intense soul shifting passion

Deep belly laughs into the wee hours of dawn

Blissful sleep wrapped in each others arms

Sexy adventures

Sharing our hopes and dreams

Our pain and fears

Growing in truth

Falling deeper in love

Every single day

Challenging each other to

Evolve

Transcend

Release stale versions

Of who we became

After so much wounding

I have finally found my home

In you

In us

And I am here to stay.

Follow your Bliss

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“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.”

~Joseph Campbell.

Can you feel bliss knocking at the door of your soul?

You’ll feel it knocking as the sun shines on your face

As the gentle breeze blows across your skin

As you melt into strong arms, hugging you tightly

As you fold into cozy blankets in your soft cloud-like bed on a chilly night

As you sit in front of a roaring fire feeling its warm glow

As you stare deeply into the eyes of your beloved

As you feel your heart open wide to all the bliss in the universe

As you stroke the soft fur of your pet

As you sit quietly in meditation

Watching the gorgeous pink sky as the sun rises

And the golden orange radiance as the sun sets

As you gaze in wonder at the starlit sky

And the rising of the orange harvest full moon

Feeling your beautiful baby squeeze your finger and smile for the first time

The feeling of your baby sleeping peacefully on your chest

Listening to the sound of waves crashing on the shore

The nourishing feeling of warm soup on a cold Winter’s night

That first flush of infatuation

Then falling madly in love

The joy of deep belly laughs

Of dancing wildly

The peacefulness of laying on the earth amongst the trees

The satiated bliss after an orgasm

The cold, crisp, blue skies in Autumn

And the red, gold and orange leaves before they fall to the ground

The newborn lambs in Spring as they hop around the paddock with pure joy

The delicious slumber after a good cry

The glorious relaxation of a head massage

The sweetness on your tongue after the first bite of your favourite dessert

What brings you bliss?

Gratitude is knocking at the door….

Will you let it in?

Can’t Resist You

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You came crashing into my heart

A gift from the heavens

The intensity of you

Catches my breath

You claimed me

Caught me in your grasp

An arrow to my heart

I bleed for you

I tried to run

My fear of being broken

Again

Consumes me

You hold onto me

With fierce determination

Dedication

Still I resist you

Can this love be true

Our souls collide

Merging together

As destiny laughs

Have we loved before

I dream of you

Your dream of us

Blissfully us

Awakens my sleeping heart

Devoting your life to me

Without a second’s hesitation

So calm

And brave

Teach me how to love

Like this

Emerging from the dark

To swim in your light

Bathing in your essence

Purifying my spirit

With your truth

Be gentle with my heart

The glue

Holding it together

Is barely dry

Can I trust you

To protect this sacred love

To hold it with courage

Reverence

Tenderness

I can’t resist you

Any longer

Take all of me

I am yours

You are mine

We are us

Grow with me

Fly with me

Dance with me

Hold on tight

It is time

To step into a new adventure

Together my love

Forever ❤️

The Meadow

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“I’ve come as a spring
to lay beside your blossoms
To feel the glory of happiness
and spread your flowers around”
~Rumi

I met you

In an otherworldly meadow

No form

Just sparkling rays

Of pink, gold, blue

Floating

Releasing

Surrendering

To a divine love

A sacred sexual union

I am called to heal

Nourish

Embody your essence

Shower you in pleasure

In bliss

I am you

You are me

We are us

Returning to source

Fear has no place here

Resistance floats away

Let me enter your consciousness

Bound together

By our soul contract

Yet expansively free

To explore the depths

Of our shadow

Our minds

Our hearts

Always returning

To you

To us

Holding each other

With deep reverence

Gratitude

Passion

Releasing the urge

To grasp

Control

Reject

Rationalise

Feel into me

As I feel into you

Aligning our energies

Following our destiny

Evolving

Ascending

Together

Apart

Always connected

Let me kiss your wounds

Your warrior’s scars

Reminding you

Of your strength

Your courage

Your willingness

To descend

With curiosity

Into the darkest corners

Of your being

Returning to the truth

Of who you are

You are my sacred mirror

I see my soul

Reflected in your eyes

The intensity

Of your gaze

Transports me

Into another dimension

Where time stands still

I am consumed by pleasure

Receiving you wholly

Touching

the deepest recesses

of my vessel

I am shaken

To the core

By the force of you

An unexpected connection

Two worlds apart

Blissfully reunited

Once again

To traverse this realm

Let us journey together

Adventures await us

Come with me

To the meadow

Sacred Mirror

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“This is a subtle truth. Whatever you love, you are.” ~Rumi

a tapestry of trauma

tiny moments

a cruel word

a rejection

a dismissal

an unmet need

a disrespected boundary

small betrayals

a lack of courage

the tiny puzzle pieces

finally came together

I saw the truth of you

the truth of me

a sacred mirror

I inflicted these traumas on myself

not having my own back

saying yes, when I meant no

rejecting my own needs

disrespecting my own boundaries

dismissing my own dreams

following you

when you didn’t know how to lead

betraying my divine feminine

for your unhealed masculine

we met in our shadows

I choose the light

meeting my sacred mirror

but in healed union

will set our souls ablaze

for when the cosmos aligns

the ecstasy begins

The Abyss

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“Sorrow prepares you for joy.
It violently sweeps everything out of your house,
so that new joy can find space to enter.
It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart,
so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place.
It pulls up the rotten roots,
so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow.
Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart,
far better things will take their place.” 
― Rumi

Today I awoke breathless

My heart trying to beat through vice-like grief

Choked by tears

A call to the abyss

A voice asks me why

Why take that next breath

That next step

I know not why

I just know I must

I am lost

Adrift at sea

Rudderless

My heart is broken

But still loves

The loss is immeasurable

Yet there is relief in loss

Once a hostage to bitterness

Betrayal after betrayal

Left me an empty shell

Rage giving way to numbness

Busyness my costume

Hiding my dying spirit

Leaving was no longer a choice

But a necessity

My heart does not choose to beat

It just knows that it must

My body was carried away

And dropped into my deepest shadow

The pull to sink into the abyss was so powerful

So seductive

I could almost taste the relief

But I swam

With a ferocity I scarcely recognised

The heart finds a way to beat

No matter the grief

I must continue to breathe now

To love

As if my life depends on it

Because it does

I will open the dam

And let all the tears fall

I will allow the sea of loss

To flow over me

Through me

Around me

Until I am buoyant

Saturated by all the love that exists

My heart will beat

My lungs will breathe

Whilst I sit with my sadness

Trusting in the process

Of transformation

I am being re-birthed

And it fucking hurts!

Abundance is abound…. ❤️💎❤️

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“When you realise there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” ~Lao Tzu

This morning, as I embark on this 53rd trip around the sun, I am filled with so many beautiful and intense emotions.

I am literally in tears…

for all those who have touched my heart and left my life;

for all those who will always remain in my heart that I love so much;

for all the blessings bestowed on me and finally being able to received them all with open arms;

for all the healing work I’ve done these past few years, in particular, that have now led to this fertile and lush garden of bliss;

for all the hurt and betrayal that has really shown me how incredibly strong and brave I am and has actually opened my heart & up-levelled my compassion, making me softer and kinder;

for stepping into a life free from old narratives and negative storylines which used to have me hustling for my worth with crazy busyness and performing;

for releasing from my life all those incapable of seeing past their shadow and meeting me in the heart space;

for having the courage to embrace my shadow and letting the light touch it gently, illuminating where I still need to send some love and tenderness;

for all the amazing opportunities to love deeper, laugh harder, play and dance with abandon, grab hold of my passion with both hands & never letting go, and to be of divine service to all beings;

and for truly trusting that I am loved, supported and blessed.

I just can’t wait to see what the Universe has in store for me next….

Abundance is abound. Watch this space!

Namaste ❤️💎❤️