Tag Archives: grief

If they wanted to…they would.

affirmation, attachment, awakening, blessings, connection, energy, Fear, freedom, grief, growth, happiness, healing, Inspiration, joy, letting go, life, light, love, lust, magic, open hearted, Overcoming challenges, passion, relationships, releasing, resilience, strength, suffering, Transformation, trust, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability, wisdom, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Oof! This lands hard

But… but… but…

Maybe they’re scared

Maybe they’re busy

Maybe they’re overwhelmed with big feelings

Maybe they’re just not that into you

Maybe you’ve been kidding yourself

Maybe you mistook emotional unavailability for confidence and mystery

The dopamine hit your nervous system is wired for

Maybe you settled for close enough

Because the loneliness felt bitter

Maybe you hoped they’d finally show up

Unarmored, vulnerable

If you just waited longer

Gave more

Gave it all

The thrill of the chase

Intoxicating 

Familiar

A fine distraction from the shadow work you’d rather avoid 

A beautiful dream

Unrequited connection

Can true love exist in a one-sided paradox?

The illusion of safety

Shut-down disguised as strength

Evasiveness disguised as busyness

Avoidance disguised as independence

A side option disguised as friendship

The triangulation you never agreed to

The exit strategy you ignored

Just a figment of your imagination 

The feelings you swallowed because you learned not to trust them

Your overthinking mind and oversensitive heart Wounded by indifference

And a careless hand

Withdrawal and armouring

The only safe harbour

Once again moored in heartbreak 

Christening her Se faire avoir

The real tragedy is hope

Designed to keep you hooked 

The promise of love

Dispensed sporadically

In meagre portions

Inspires craving

But never satiates

A mirage of water

Only to find it’s sand

You drink it anyway

Because you don’t recognise the difference

A deep thirst quenched

By the illusion of love

Such a silly child 

With the broken heart behind a beautiful smile

And a brave spirit

Love is all around you

Unconditionally

Infinitely

Abundantly

You need never hustle for it

For it is your birthright

You only need to let down your armour 

And let it flow through you

You are safe

You are loved

You are supported 

By a force much bigger than dreamt of in your imagination

It resides within you

Untouchable by those who wish to diminish it

You are your own true love

Always and forever ❤️

I Wonder

attachment, connection, energy, experience, Fear, growth, letting go, life, love, lust, magic, open hearted, Overcoming challenges, passion, powerful, relationships, releasing, sex, suffering, Transformation, trust, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

i wonder if you dream of me

feel me dancing around your consciousness

i wonder if you reach for me in your sleep

do you feel the emptiness

when you wake

i wonder if the thought of me

brightens your day

or does it make the space between us

feel like an ocean

i wonder if you long to feel me

in your arms

in your bed

on the tip of your tongue

i wonder if your heart is open enough

to hold all of me

or is your armour too strong

i wonder if you can remain

in the tears

the fears

and consuming passion

i wonder if the intensity of love

strengthens you

or leaves you overwhelmed

i wonder if you will ever let me in

make space for me

in your heart

or will i always remain

just outside your door

i wonder if you can meet me

in the place of wonder

are you curious about me

about us

of what we could be

i wonder if you yearn to know the why of me

to learn what makes me swoon

what elicits my craving of you

i wonder if i dreamt you up

and you are not really here

just a fantasy

of what could have been

i wonder if i can bring you

to the depths of me

or will you always be

just outside my reach 

i wonder if you will draw me closer

deeper

show me your desire

or keep me hanging

i wonder how long i can chase the shadow of you

before i face the truth

if you won’t let me touch you

i wonder if you will finally

let me go

New Moon Ruminations 🌚 

attachment, blessings, bliss, connection, energy, Fear, freedom, gratitude, grief, growth, happiness, healing, Inspiration, joy, life, light, love, magic, marriage, Overcoming challenges, passion, powerful, relationships, resilience, strength, suffering, Transformation, trust, truth, vulnerability, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

there is a tenderness in my heart 

that feels like it’s breaking

***

breaking apart or breaking open

feels like the former

not the latter

my tears a baptism

***

my life is a blessing

this sadness feels like ingratitude

shame and surrender

***

i think too much

this i know for sure

i feel too much

a gift and a curse

***

craving and distrusting love

concurrently

***

enjoying solitude

longing for companionship

***

loving my sanctuary

wishing to find my home

in another’s heart

***

yearning for the intimacy

that only comes with navigating conflict

facing life’s myriad challenges together

***

my nervous system is wired for betrayal

and often forgets how to breathe

***

no one to save me from myself

i am my own champion 

tired of holding back the storm

already proven my strength 

***

will i find a soft landing in another

finally rest in the sanctity of union

to hold sacred

each other’s hearts

***

confusion feels like plunder

indifference like rejection

am i too fragile for this game

***

retreat feels safer

the armour battle-worn 

too heavy to carry

too edgy to put it down

***

raw

weary

i still believe in love

despite it all

***

hope springs eternal

and anticipation stirs within me

is my person still coming 

or already here

Shadow

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All alone with my shadow
For far too long
I have been swallowed up
Only my shadow remains
Empty shoes where I used to stand
A formless fraud
Pretending myself into being
Laughing, crying, raging
Anything to feel alive
So so tired now
Yet unable to find solace in sleep
Peace evades me
I keep getting back up
After each knock down
I can’t seem to help it
My longing for love is greater than my sorrow
The seductive void calls to me
Trust, trust, trust…
My mantra
Will the light return?
Or have I finally been extinguished?
Sweet surrender is where I’ll find my bliss.

The Abyss

affirmation, attachment, awakening, blessings, bliss, calling, compassion, connection, energy, experience, Fear, freedom, gratitude, grief, growth, happiness, healing, Inspiration, joy, letting go, life, light, love, open hearted, Overcoming challenges, passion, powerful, prayer, rage, releasing, resilience, shame, strength, suffering, suicide, Transformation, trust, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability, wisdom, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
“Sorrow prepares you for joy.
It violently sweeps everything out of your house,
so that new joy can find space to enter.
It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart,
so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place.
It pulls up the rotten roots,
so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow.
Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart,
far better things will take their place.” 
― Rumi

Today I awoke breathless

My heart trying to beat through vice-like grief

Choked by tears

A call to the abyss

A voice asks me why

Why take that next breath

That next step

I know not why

I just know I must

I am lost

Adrift at sea

Rudderless

My heart is broken

But still loves

The loss is immeasurable

Yet there is relief in loss

Once a hostage to bitterness

Betrayal after betrayal

Left me an empty shell

Rage giving way to numbness

Busyness my costume

Hiding my dying spirit

Leaving was no longer a choice

But a necessity

My heart does not choose to beat

It just knows that it must

My body was carried away

And dropped into my deepest shadow

The pull to sink into the abyss was so powerful

So seductive

I could almost taste the relief

But I swam

With a ferocity I scarcely recognised

The heart finds a way to beat

No matter the grief

I must continue to breathe now

To love

As if my life depends on it

Because it does

I will open the dam

And let all the tears fall

I will allow the sea of loss

To flow over me

Through me

Around me

Until I am buoyant

Saturated by all the love that exists

My heart will beat

My lungs will breathe

Whilst I sit with my sadness

Trusting in the process

Of transformation

I am being re-birthed

And it fucking hurts!