All posts by Jana Marie

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About Jana Marie

American ex-pat living in New Zealand, Buddhist, writer, poet, yogini, mom to 2 grown humans and 2 dogs, Bachelors Degree in Holistic Nutrition, Integrative Well-Being coach, wellness junkie, adventure seeker and world traveller.

THE SACRED FEMININE

i am ready

to enter my soft era

receiving you

vulnerably

trusting you

to keep my heart safe

*

i’ve already proven

i can ride any storm

i am strong

and independent

highly capable

of holding up the world

but i don’t want to anymore

 *

i am calling in

the divine masculine

to wrap me up

in strong arms

and stronger spirit

*

i want to curl up into you

and merge our energies

my sacred feminine

breaking you open

surrendering

to sensuality 

*

to be held sacred

revered

cherished 

come worship at my altar

*

your heart is mine

no need for armour

the old stories 

and past lovers

have led us here

to each other

at last 

*

lead me 

into the wild

through shadow

and light

your muse

and inspiration

my shield and guide

*

a passion so deep

leaving us breathless

heartbeats align

loving you feels reckless

*

strong apart

indestructible together

let us not know 

another moment

without each other

*

entangled and sovereign

devoted and free

delicious obsession

distracting me

*

images of you

dance playfully in my consciousness

dreams of sunlit beaches

and sexy adventures

await us

*

taking hit after hit

and calling it resilience 

is a closing chapter

the struggle is over

*

a new story of peace

and adoration

stories of heartbreak

told no more

*

envelop me in rapture

protecting me

and us

from the savagery 

of the world

outside our bubble of bliss

*

hold on tight 

my love

the dream has finally caught up with us

sweeping us away 

to our forever

INTO THE FIRE

~Art by Pieer Luigi Bertig
“Heart (heart on fire)” 2024

my heart ablaze 

you are both fire

and elixir

*

steadying me

when i’m spinning

holding tight

as i surrender 

leading me 

back to you

*

desire grows stronger 

as your lips

wrap around each word

and stirs my devotion 

your consistent presence

feels like a potion

 *

eyes misty with fear

a cautious heart

peeling back the layers

revealing my scars

you feel like safety 

*

such risk in trust

intrepid and free

captivated by you

a free fall into eternity

*

love without cruelty

love as sanctuary

love that soothes and burns

synchronously

*

time is fleeting

and furiously fast

stand still with me

blissful pleasure and peace

you feel like home

*

i stand before you

in raw naked truth

are you ready to catch me

in infinite embrace

*

aspirations of great love

that nourishes

without consuming

that inspires

without capture

that devours

and empowers

without limits

*

claim me

voraciously

unflinchingly

reverently

*

are you the one

or just a delicious dream

i hope to never awaken from

COMING UNDONE

my heart

shattered in pieces

unrecognisable

broken open

*

the fight of my life

freedom comes at a cost

but my soul is not for sale

*

feeling alone in union

is its own kind of prison

swallowed up in another’s orbit

powerless and afraid

*

breaking free was my salvation

a new world opened

a different kind of terror

*

my broken heart

displayed on the altar

proof I had the courage to love

a testament of faith

*

years of battle

finding my voice 

discovering my worth 

beyond the hustle for validation

*

aging in reverse

freed from the burden of a life

not meant for me

too small to contain my spirit

*

love without strings

love that feels like freedom

love that opens the heart

and quiets the mind

love without cruelty

love that gives more than it takes

*

my ravaged heart

once emptied by thieves

now ravished by love

full

content

whole

*

seeing only bliss 

where once was fear

harmony

where once was chaos

liberation

where once was captivity

*

blessed beyond measure

loved and held sacred

in divinity and pleasure

*

coming undone

rebuilt anew

every cell of my being

activated

by the magic of you. 

*

Run away with me

A portal has opened 

my heart

my appetite

my senses

all vibrating 

a craving

an unquenched thirst

a longing for more

discomfort in vulnerability 

resisting the withdrawal 

blissful moments

playing on my mind

shadow and light

peace and anger

love and cruelty

am i brave enough

to trust 

to stand strong

and face the winds of change 

to be ravished

held sacred

to lay down my fear and armour

stand naked in truth

come to me in my dreams

claim me

hold on tenderly

yet fiercely

there is loneliness in freedom

walking an unfamiliar path

i can’t move forward 

if i’m looking back

the light shines bright

at the end of the tunnel

finally hopeful

free of heartache and regret 

integrity and courage my guides 

we need only know the why

the how works itself out

in divine alignment

run away with me

into the wondrous unknown

where pleasure and adventure awaits

💖💖💖

THE SHEDDING

Looking up at the Autumn leaves

With their shades of gold, fiery red and orange,

I sit in awe and wondering

Does the tree mourn the loss of so many pieces of itself?

As the leaves fall

Reflecting on all my lost parts

Were they ever truly lost?

Or were they shed to make space for something more beautiful, 

More vibrant

More whole?

Holding on so tightly 

Resisting the release of these dying layers

Forgetting the wisdom of the trees

Who know that their renewal in the Spring requires this shedding

Trusting that I will grow anew 

That I am making space for new versions of my spirit to reveal itself

Trusting in the sacred process of death and rebirth

Essential for the evolution of all living things 

Each death a divine remembrance

A returning to Source

Each new blossom 

Offering a renaissance

An awakening

A transmission of wisdom

Held reverently within each cell

I need only surrender

To the agony of loss

My heart breaking open

As love comes rushing in

Filling the cracks

Allowing an unfurling

Breathing in the light and transforming it to food for the soul

Standing tall

Rooted deep into the Earth

Swaying majestically in the wind

Moving with the storms 

Bending but not breaking

Resting quietly in the cold

Holding the warmth of the Summer sun in my being

Trusting that I am fulfilling my purpose

That I am an essential part of the sacred geometry of life

Trust

Truth

Suffering and Bliss 

What leaves can I release to the shedding?

The old stories, 

The untruths that run on a loop

The dying parts that need to be sacrificed to create a sacred container 

In which to nurture my rebirth

A new dream

And way of being

Allowing my destiny to emerge

To let go

And receive.

A Wing and a Prayer

“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?” ~Rumi

As another year comes to a close, I am astounded that I’m still standing.

So many times I have been knocked down and struggled to get up. So many times I wanted to just give up. So many sleepless nights fraught with anxiety and rage. So many fantasies about eternal sleep.

Then I am gifted with a powerful message from the Great Sphinx of Giza. I am called to her… to lay my hands on her and receive her ancient wisdom….

“REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. When you remember how powerful and precious you are, there is nothing to fear. When you remember your divinity, all feelings of not being good enough, of not being worthy of love will fall away. Stand strong in truth & integrity and know that you are loved, protected and valued beyond measure.”

As I received these words, I broke down and sobbed. I cried for my younger self who endured so much suffering at the hands of others. I cried for all the abuse I inflicted on myself because of the very wrong ideas that sprang from this suffering that told me I am unworthy of love.

I cried for all the years I spent hustling for my worth in doing, doing, doing trying to prove I had value at the expense of my physical and emotional health.

Those lost to their own sense of worth will never see it in another, so spending my life trying to seek that validation from others was a fool’s errand. Our value is inherent…. The choice to hand that power over to another wounded soul seems silly to me now. How lost and misguided I was.

Now is the time for reclamation.

As I reflect on my recent experiences in Egypt, I am profoundly grateful for the powerful message from the Sphinx and the call to courage bestowed upon me.

I am exhausted and overwhelmed but I am clear on my mission and trust that I am fully supported and capable of navigating whatever challenges come my way.

I leave you with these words:

Go at it boldly, and you’ll find unexpected forces closing round you and coming to your aid.

~William Benjamin Basil King.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

The Beautifully Ugly Truth

The past few birthdays have brought a reckoning for me.

I’m usually found crying, raging, or both. Each year I fall into a pit of despair and self pity. And then an epic existential crisis unfolds….

Why am I here?

What is the point of it all?

What have I accomplished that has any real value?

Am I truly loved?

How can I truly love others if I don’t love myself?

Did I fail as a mother, a wife, a friend?

Did I take more than I gave?

Did I sacrifice too much for safety and security?

Did I waste my life by not following my own dreams?

And on and on it goes….

But these breakdowns always precede the breakthroughs.

When I feel my heart breaking, I lean in and then pivot.

I allow my heart to break… wide open.

Now is the time for courage…

For releasing the false truths that bind me to suffering….

For trust.

For dreams to unfold.

No more shame inducing toxic positivity.

No more ego driven pursuits.

No more resistance to vulnerability.

No more meeting bitterness with bitterness.

In hating my enemy, I have become my own worst enemy.

I will stand up for truth and honour… WITH truth and honour.

I will not be reduced by the ancient storylines of trauma, my own or another’s.

I will feel all the feels and express them openly and unapologetically.

I’m no longer interested in false bravado for image’s sake.

My strength and resilience are the truest gifts of suffering.

My strife has been my greatest ally….

A faithful servant no matter how much I rage against it.

I am in the arena getting my ass kicked.

That is what I signed up for in this life.

I chose the path of the warrior.

Some days I quiver and fall apart, but I always get back up and get back in the arena.

Why? Well… this quote by Brene Brown says it best….

“I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked.

We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.

Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.

Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.

A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They just hurl mean-spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance.

The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives.

For me, if you’re not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”

Brené Brown, Rising Strong

Many blessings, Jana ✨💠✨

Forgiveness – The Antidote

Today I was despairing over the realisation that forgiving someone, whose continuing actions of general douchebaggery knows no bounds, was simply outside my wheelhouse.

I was then reminded by my gorgeous and very wise sister, Lisa, that perhaps the work is to forgive myself.

Truth bomb! 💣

Of course this needs to come first.
If I can’t do this for myself, there is no way I can forgive anyone else.

I must find a way to forgive myself for the part I played in this clusterfu€k of a situation.

For my wilful ignorance…
For giving away my power…
For trusting someone who is simply untrustworthy…
For ignoring all the red flags because they got in the way of what I wanted…
For selling my soul for a false sense of security and the illusion of stable ground under my feet…
For choosing ease and comfort
over courage.

And in the spirit of full transparency, I admit that my fu€king ego liked the status and luxury this new life afforded me.

I was sick of the hustle and the struggle.
So I made what I thought was the “safe” choice over the many braver choices available to me.

I could never regret the choice
I made, however, as it brought two extraordinary humans into the world that I love and treasure
more than life itself.

But the reckoning has come.
It’s time to take this sword away that consistently hangs over my head by finding the courage to face the truth that I chickened out.

That I clung to all the carefully constructed lies he told because it was easier than facing the truth, which would’ve required me to leave much sooner than I did.

Instead I chose a superficial life over a more authentic and connected one.


I chose quantity over quality.

So… where to from here?

I guess this public confession is as good a place to start as any.

I know that shame can only live in darkness, in secrecy, so saying it out loud is the most potent medicine I can apply to the oozing wound of distain that has been festering in my heart these past too many years.

They say resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Insanity at its finest!

So there it is.
My shame, my sadness, my intense desire to release all the cords of disappointment and betrayal that keep me psychically tied to this poisonous union.

One day soon, I hope that I will find forgiveness in my heart so that I can set myself free.

Only I hold the keys to my liberation.

I once chose the gilded cage and now it is time to choose freedom.
To choose trust over fear,
courage over comfort,
forgiveness over judgement.

To choose love above all else.❣️

Lessons on acceptance, resilience and patience…

My life these past few years has been ALL about practising patience and acceptance.

I admit I have spent most of this time fighting and pushing; raging and wallowing in despair; using “positivity” and “high vibes only” to completely bypass “negative” emotions and calling it patience, as opposed to sitting with these feelings and allowing them a seat at the table.

I have shut down and gagged my anger because anger is bad, right? There is nothing worse than an Angry Woman! Or so I’ve been led to believe…. Anger is a sign you’re not in a place of acceptance, which is true, but some things are simply unacceptable. Tolerating abuse is not practising acceptance.

I am well aware of the pitfalls of allowing strong emotions to take over and becoming completely dysregulated. I’m certainly not promoting that. But bypassing them altogether and thinking that makes you more spiritual or some kind of ascending master is foolish.

So, the work (for me) is all about feeling all the feels, and meditating & reflecting on what is really being communicated. Then, and only then, will I hopefully gain some wisdom and skill to know when to act and when to sit still, when to speak up and when to stay silent, and to always question & investigate, and not just blindly trust, especially when my intuition is telling me something is off.

Spiritual practice is a funny beast. It’s the key to unlocking wisdom, compassion, peace, trust and love. However, it can be used as a tool to harm myself and others with shame (“I (you) should be doing more”; “I (you) should not be feeling this way”). Or to avoid and escape the (sometimes) harsh truth about myself and others in an attempt to avoid the shadow work because “that’s so 3D” (read: low vibration). The list goes on and on and boy has many a self proclaimed guru figured out how to exploit this very mentality for financial and power gains!

Today I simply strive to be gentle with myself and others, and gentle with my practices. In gentleness is where I’ll find peace, harmony and forgiveness. And this is where true acceptance, resilience and patience resides.

Below is a beautiful piece of writing I found by author Sukriti Chhopra, which I found particularly relevant today.

Namaste 🙏🏻

“A reminder about acceptance, resilience, patience… three life lessons that have repeatedly been drilled into me.

Acceptance

Acceptance that we neither control the situation nor the outcome.

That control is an illusion and its pursuit will only lead to misery.

That impermanence and uncertainty are truths of life.

That suffering is inevitable.

Life is like a sine curve, there will be crests and there will be troughs and then there will be crests again.

Patience

Acceptance that control is an illusion leads to developing patience.

Things will happen at their own time. Hard work and smart work and passion do not drive results on our terms. That is a capitalistic narrative.

Things may not happen despite practicing patience; that loops us back to acceptance.

My life’s biggest lesson has been that of patience. It is a quality that requires constant refreshers and uninterrupted practice.

Resilience

Once we’ve accepted that suffering can’t be done away with and developed patience to work through the situation without despair, then resilience is the next natural step.

When I am in the midst of a strife or an undesirable situation, I remind myself that this is the trough of the sine curve; the wave will turn and things will get better.

Also, during the good times, I stay aware that this will not last, as the laws of physics (mimicked by life) dictate, the wave will dip. This is not pessimism; this helps us be prepared and to tide over the troughs.

This is resilience.

And with these three tools in my armour, I continue to find joy even in the worst moments and look forward to the next day while living in the present.”

~Sukriti Chhopra

Forgiveness

forgiveness

such a sweet, tender gift

we give ourselves

lost in blame,

shame and bitterness

we lose our capacity for love

love cannot flourish

when hatred is present

contempt blocks and binds

our spirits

embrace the sadness

that lies beneath our sacred anger

a broken heart

is an open heart

savour the blessings

of pain

our greatest teacher

see our hurt

mirrored by others

do not hold tightly to suffering

do not curl up with it

like a warm blanket

that comforts and soothes

rather it obscures

a sticky illusion

trapping us

preventing our ascension

there is no bounty in grasping

clinging to righteousness

which leaves our hands full

unable to receive love

there is much work to do

to unravel what is ours to hold

and what to hand back to another

release what is not yours

there is no bypass

no avoidance offered

the only way past

is through

sit with the discomfort

learn the art

of beautiful boundaries

an act of love

for ourselves and others

hold your truth

and another’s

with compassion

both are messengers

delivering wisdom

do not get lost in the storylines

the symptoms

the excuses

journey within

seek the source

the ancient scar

that sits beneath our anger

where do we need to heal

to apply the medicine of love

release fear

so we can forgive

find the wound

touch the tender sadness

hold ourselves in a gentle embrace

no judgement

of how we choose to heal

pain is a sacred invitation

a gift of the heart

lean in

let go

allow love to transform

move freely

like a powerful tide

ebbing and flowing

nourishing

in the words of Sarah Blondin:

“breathe

be

receive

breathe

be

receive

breathe

be

receive”

🙏🏻