Category Archives: shame

A Wing and a Prayer

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“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?” ~Rumi

As another year comes to a close, I am astounded that I’m still standing.

So many times I have been knocked down and struggled to get up. So many times I wanted to just give up. So many sleepless nights fraught with anxiety and rage. So many fantasies about eternal sleep.

Then I am gifted with a powerful message from the Great Sphinx of Giza. I am called to her… to lay my hands on her and receive her ancient wisdom….

“REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. When you remember how powerful and precious you are, there is nothing to fear. When you remember your divinity, all feelings of not being good enough, of not being worthy of love will fall away. Stand strong in truth & integrity and know that you are loved, protected and valued beyond measure.”

As I received these words, I broke down and sobbed. I cried for my younger self who endured so much suffering at the hands of others. I cried for all the abuse I inflicted on myself because of the very wrong ideas that sprang from this suffering that told me I am unworthy of love.

I cried for all the years I spent hustling for my worth in doing, doing, doing trying to prove I had value at the expense of my physical and emotional health.

Those lost to their own sense of worth will never see it in another, so spending my life trying to seek that validation from others was a fool’s errand. Our value is inherent…. The choice to hand that power over to another wounded soul seems silly to me now. How lost and misguided I was.

Now is the time for reclamation.

As I reflect on my recent experiences in Egypt, I am profoundly grateful for the powerful message from the Sphinx and the call to courage bestowed upon me.

I am exhausted and overwhelmed but I am clear on my mission and trust that I am fully supported and capable of navigating whatever challenges come my way.

I leave you with these words:

“Go at it boldly, and you’ll find unexpected forces closing round you and coming to your aid.”

~William Benjamin Basil King.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

The Beautifully Ugly Truth

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The past few birthdays have brought a reckoning for me.

I’m usually found crying, raging, or both. Each year I fall into a pit of despair and self pity. And then an epic existential crisis unfolds….

Why am I here?

What is the point of it all?

What have I accomplished that has any real value?

Am I truly loved?

How can I truly love others if I don’t love myself?

Did I fail as a mother, a wife, a friend?

Did I take more than I gave?

Did I sacrifice too much for safety and security?

Did I waste my life by not following my own dreams?

And on and on it goes….

But these breakdowns always precede the breakthroughs.

When I feel my heart breaking, I lean in and then pivot.

I allow my heart to break… wide open.

Now is the time for courage…

For releasing the false truths that bind me to suffering….

For trust.

For dreams to unfold.

No more shame inducing toxic positivity.

No more ego driven pursuits.

No more resistance to vulnerability.

No more meeting bitterness with bitterness.

In hating my enemy, I have become my own worst enemy.

I will stand up for truth and honour… WITH truth and honour.

I will not be reduced by the ancient storylines of trauma, my own or another’s.

I will feel all the feels and express them openly and unapologetically.

I’m no longer interested in false bravado for image’s sake.

My strength and resilience are the truest gifts of suffering.

My strife has been my greatest ally….

A faithful servant no matter how much I rage against it.

I am in the arena getting my ass kicked.

That is what I signed up for in this life.

I chose the path of the warrior.

Some days I quiver and fall apart, but I always get back up and get back in the arena.

Why? Well… this quote by Brene Brown says it best….

“I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked.

We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.

Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.

Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.

A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They just hurl mean-spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance.

The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives.

For me, if you’re not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”

Brené Brown, Rising Strong

Many blessings, Jana ✨💠✨

Forgiveness – The Antidote

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Today I was despairing over the realisation that forgiving someone, whose continuing actions of general douchebaggery knows no bounds, was simply outside my wheelhouse.

I was then reminded by my gorgeous and very wise sister, Lisa, that perhaps the work is to forgive myself.

Truth bomb! 💣

Of course this needs to come first.
If I can’t do this for myself, there is no way I can forgive anyone else.

I must find a way to forgive myself for the part I played in this clusterfu€k of a situation.

For my wilful ignorance…
For giving away my power…
For trusting someone who is simply untrustworthy…
For ignoring all the red flags because they got in the way of what I wanted…
For selling my soul for a false sense of security and the illusion of stable ground under my feet…
For choosing ease and comfort
over courage.

And in the spirit of full transparency, I admit that my fu€king ego liked the status and luxury this new life afforded me.

I was sick of the hustle and the struggle.
So I made what I thought was the “safe” choice over the many braver choices available to me.

I could never regret the choice
I made, however, as it brought two extraordinary humans into the world that I love and treasure
more than life itself.

But the reckoning has come.
It’s time to take this sword away that consistently hangs over my head by finding the courage to face the truth that I chickened out.

That I clung to all the carefully constructed lies he told because it was easier than facing the truth, which would’ve required me to leave much sooner than I did.

Instead I chose a superficial life over a more authentic and connected one.


I chose quantity over quality.

So… where to from here?

I guess this public confession is as good a place to start as any.

I know that shame can only live in darkness, in secrecy, so saying it out loud is the most potent medicine I can apply to the oozing wound of distain that has been festering in my heart these past too many years.

They say resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Insanity at its finest!

So there it is.
My shame, my sadness, my intense desire to release all the cords of disappointment and betrayal that keep me psychically tied to this poisonous union.

One day soon, I hope that I will find forgiveness in my heart so that I can set myself free.

Only I hold the keys to my liberation.

I once chose the gilded cage and now it is time to choose freedom.
To choose trust over fear,
courage over comfort,
forgiveness over judgement.

To choose love above all else.❣️

Forgiveness

affirmation, amends, attachment, awakening, blessings, compassion, ego, energy, experience, Fear, freedom, gratitude, grief, growth, happiness, healing, health, Inspiration, letting go, life, light, love, open hearted, Overcoming challenges, powerful, prayer, rage, relationships, releasing, resilience, shame, strength, suffering, Transformation, trust, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability, Wellness, wisdom, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

forgiveness

such a sweet, tender gift

we give ourselves

lost in blame,

shame and bitterness

we lose our capacity for love

love cannot flourish

when hatred is present

contempt blocks and binds

our spirits

embrace the sadness

that lies beneath our sacred anger

a broken heart

is an open heart

savour the blessings

of pain

our greatest teacher

see our hurt

mirrored by others

do not hold tightly to suffering

do not curl up with it

like a warm blanket

that comforts and soothes

rather it obscures

a sticky illusion

trapping us

preventing our ascension

there is no bounty in grasping

clinging to righteousness

which leaves our hands full

unable to receive love

there is much work to do

to unravel what is ours to hold

and what to hand back to another

release what is not yours

there is no bypass

no avoidance offered

the only way past

is through

sit with the discomfort

learn the art

of beautiful boundaries

an act of love

for ourselves and others

hold your truth

and another’s

with compassion

both are messengers

delivering wisdom

do not get lost in the storylines

the symptoms

the excuses

journey within

seek the source

the ancient scar

that sits beneath our anger

where do we need to heal

to apply the medicine of love

release fear

so we can forgive

find the wound

touch the tender sadness

hold ourselves in a gentle embrace

no judgement

of how we choose to heal

pain is a sacred invitation

a gift of the heart

lean in

let go

allow love to transform

move freely

like a powerful tide

ebbing and flowing

nourishing

in the words of Sarah Blondin:

“breathe

be

receive

breathe

be

receive

breathe

be

receive”

🙏🏻

Shadow

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All alone with my shadow
For far too long
I have been swallowed up
Only my shadow remains
Empty shoes where I used to stand
A formless fraud
Pretending myself into being
Laughing, crying, raging
Anything to feel alive
So so tired now
Yet unable to find solace in sleep
Peace evades me
I keep getting back up
After each knock down
I can’t seem to help it
My longing for love is greater than my sorrow
The seductive void calls to me
Trust, trust, trust…
My mantra
Will the light return?
Or have I finally been extinguished?
Sweet surrender is where I’ll find my bliss.

The Abyss

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“Sorrow prepares you for joy.
It violently sweeps everything out of your house,
so that new joy can find space to enter.
It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart,
so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place.
It pulls up the rotten roots,
so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow.
Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart,
far better things will take their place.” 
― Rumi

Today I awoke breathless

My heart trying to beat through vice-like grief

Choked by tears

A call to the abyss

A voice asks me why

Why take that next breath

That next step

I know not why

I just know I must

I am lost

Adrift at sea

Rudderless

My heart is broken

But still loves

The loss is immeasurable

Yet there is relief in loss

Once a hostage to bitterness

Betrayal after betrayal

Left me an empty shell

Rage giving way to numbness

Busyness my costume

Hiding my dying spirit

Leaving was no longer a choice

But a necessity

My heart does not choose to beat

It just knows that it must

My body was carried away

And dropped into my deepest shadow

The pull to sink into the abyss was so powerful

So seductive

I could almost taste the relief

But I swam

With a ferocity I scarcely recognised

The heart finds a way to beat

No matter the grief

I must continue to breathe now

To love

As if my life depends on it

Because it does

I will open the dam

And let all the tears fall

I will allow the sea of loss

To flow over me

Through me

Around me

Until I am buoyant

Saturated by all the love that exists

My heart will beat

My lungs will breathe

Whilst I sit with my sadness

Trusting in the process

Of transformation

I am being re-birthed

And it fucking hurts!

Dear…..

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as I rise

I feel your judgement

quietly resenting my release

free from the shackles

that bound me to a much too small life

wings clipped

by a thousand criticisms,

rejections and betrayals

feather by feather

left crippled and afraid

until one day

with nothing left to lose

all dignity lost

I set myself free

my healing has been long

painful

messy

at times ungrounding

all over the place

up

down

moving between moods

like a toddler

and so what?!

I want to feel

all my fucking feelings

I am not afraid

I am a warrior

built for hurricanes

so spare me your judgement

disguised as concern

of how I’m choosing to heal

don’t you worry about me

check your own damn self

I am free

to laugh

to dance

to make love

to relish every single moment

the deliciously sexy ones

the joyful ones

and even the gloriously,

excruciatingly

painful ones

I am rising like the Phoenix

I will not sit down,

shut up

and behave

like a good girl “should”

I will roam free

roaring as loudly as I want

making all the mistakes

that my newfound freedom allows

risking a broken heart

if that’s what it takes to be fully alive

open hearted

vulnerable

fierce

I will not hide behind what is comfortable

safe

allowed

throwing caution to the wind

logic out the window

I will move with my soul’s longing

I will follow my passion

find my bliss

blaze the trail

take the heat

your need to push me down

make me small

diminish my light

is your own fear

holding you back

my awakening scares you

reminds you of what you’ve lost

hiding behind your rules

your safety net a prison

of your own making

put it down and join me

on this exhilarating rollercoaster

we can never know how strong we are

until we flex our muscles

grab hold of our power

our sovereignty

as free wild women

a road less travelled

but the only path to liberation

join me there

Afterglow

awakening, bliss, calling, connection, energy, experience, Fear, freedom, growth, happiness, healing, health, Inspiration, joy, letting go, life, light, love, lust, magic, open hearted, passion, powerful, relationships, releasing, resilience, sex, shame, strength, trust, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability, Wellness, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I am whole

complete

devoid of nothing

a force of nature

kinetic energy

magnetic sensuality

drawing you in

a moth to a flame

craving your touch

your kiss

setting the pace

you need only to match it

can you rise with me?

my electricity burns

those who fear it

courage your protection

from my fire

devouring the meek

basking in the mighty

show me your strength

take the lead

do not be afraid

I can be gentle

as I wield my power

quietly

a fierce thunderstorm of passion

sweeping you away

a return to calm

glowing brighter than the sun

and the full moon

drink from me

take all you need

I am unlimited

you cannot deplete me

I am the Source

yours for the taking

swim in my essence

I am the Healer

bringing you to new dimensions

fly with me

break me open

take all of me

don’t hold back

give me everything you are

surrender

come with me

empty into me

my afterglow lights up the shadow

nowhere to hide

challenging you

to remain in truth

see me

naked

raw

unbridled

feel me

etched into your soul

forever reminding you

I am what love looks like

Power of touch

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a sleeping sensual energy

has been awakened

a longing for touch

connection

resurrection

running my hands down my arms

slowly up my legs

around my soft belly

my breasts

my hips

over each hand

trailing down my waist

massaging my ass

my thighs

my tender button

loving them wholly

inviting pleasure

moving down to my feet

pressing into the soreness

a delicious ache

going deep

sacred touch to please my senses

blissful release

reverence for this beautiful vessel

taking my time

honouring every part of my body

offering gratitude

seeking forgiveness

for the neglect of youth

insecurity

judgement

this temple

my sanctuary

possessed by no one

offered only to those

strong enough to stand in my beauty

my powerful essence

my blinding light

I shine even brighter

embracing my too-muchness

my spirit

my curves

as I touch myself

stroking my body

I am infused with love

admiration for this divine machine

that serves me with devotion

no matter the carelessness

the disrespect

veneration through caress

sublime massage

healing touch

inviting the power of sensuality

by feeling into my body

quenching her thirst

feeding her craving

soft flowing movement

sweet surrender

I am whole

I am magnificent

I am love

Layers

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“Releasing layers of pain” ~Painting by Sheritta Rogers

A spark of possibility

Exciting wonderment

What lies ahead?

Another layer reveals itself

Beneath the surface 

Sadness for what was

What could have been 

New beginnings illuminate the shadow

Fear, an armouring, folding in

A call to courage 

To remain open hearted

Vulnerable, honest

Like a child

Before the heartbreak of trauma

Authenticity requires trust

Trust is an honour bestowed

Not granted without enquiry

Consistent, generous acts of love

No strings, no ulterior motives

True love feels safe

Like a warm embrace

No benefit of the doubt 

For where there is doubt

There is a reason

No one is entitled to hear our stories 

Trust is a gift of the heart

A sacred invitation 

To meet in the soft vulnerable place

To show up in all our shades

To share our healing 

Holding space for each other

As we journey through the layers of our pain

Surrendering to the flow 

Allowing another to witness our shadow

These are the qualities of a true love story

Worthy of our precious hearts

To run and hide

Is to deny ourselves 

The nurturing of love

Isolation, distraction, shame

Punishment for our hurt

Love is the antidote

Peel back the layers

Uncover the tender spots

Bathe them in forgiveness

Compassion 

Release what no longer serves us…

Holds us back from stepping into the glory of who we are

Our divine essence

Receive the invitation

To open 

To surrender

To allow 

To trust 

Step into the heart space

Risk it all and show up fully

Our gifts are beautiful, unique offerings 

Share them fearlessly

No one loves quite like we do

Let us start with ourselves.

Namaste 🙏