“Laughter connects you with people. It’s almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you’re just howling with laughter. Laughter is a force for democracy.” ~John Cleese
Yesterday I had a realisation…. I’ve lost my laugh. Or rather, I gave it away.
He hated my laugh… the too-loud witch cackle.
I learned to hate my laugh too.
I spent the past 20 years trying to change my laugh. To make it quieter, less annoying, but in the process, I lost it.
Losing my laugh meant I lost my deep capacity for joy. Suppressing my laugh, holding it in my throat, preventing its escape shut down my ability to communicate love.
How dare he take my laugh. How could I have betrayed myself so savagely as to allow him to have it?
It is in the smallest of moments that pieces of ourselves are stripped away. The little comments, criticisms, the rejections along the way….
One day you wake up and don’t recognise yourself. So many pieces missing.
I didn’t know that this isn’t what love looks like.
True love would never take your laugh.
Of all the betrayals, indignities, and disrespect, this one hurts the most.
Today, I am reclaiming my laugh. I will laugh as loud and as deep as the moment calls for, or for no reason at all.
For anyone who cannot revel in my unfettered joy, who lacks the capacity to experience intense emotions, including bliss, has no place in my life!
I will never again betray myself as to dim my light to enable another’s need to hide in the dark.
I am reclaiming all pieces of my soul that were lost, stolen, given away.
This new chapter will begin with getting to know myself again… the woman I abandoned so many years ago.
And it will include so much laughter, I’ll never need to do a sit-up again!
“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.” ~Andrea Dykstra
It’s my first Valentine’s Day as a single woman, but I find I’m not as sad as I imagined I would be.
With each painful reminder of betrayal, his and my own, where I abandoned myself, ignored my intuition and my dreams, hid from the truth of my loveless union, I grow stronger in dedication to authenticity.
Accepting a life without true love, honesty, deep connectedness, reverence for truth and loyalty is where I betrayed myself.
Spending so long hiding in another’s shadow, pretending to be happy & fulfilled with all the trimmings of a “successful” life, but feeling misaligned with my values and my Knowing brings me such deep sorrow.
What was I so afraid of that living such a shallow life was a better option?
When did I decide I wasn’t worth being truly loved, protected, supported?
When did I lose the ability to trust?
I don’t believe He took that from me. He only touched an ancient wound, a wound we both share.
My work is clear…. Trust.
Trust in my powerful Knowing…
Trust in the soul contracts I hold with others that were made to ensure my evolution….
Trust that all is going exactly to plan…
Trust that my call to ascension is here, right now.
IT’S GO TIME!
The time for self-doubt, hesitation, not loving and honouring myself is over.
It’s time to embrace my future.
All of the experiences of my life have shown me just how brave and strong I really am.
I am free to design my life exactly as I want… in rainbow glitter and fairy dust.
No more compromise, settling for less than I deserve, agreeing to things I don’t want and that don’t serve my highest good.
No more superficiality, inauthenticity, toxicity…
I get to choose the energy I surround myself with and a life that is aligned with my purpose.
When I release those that weigh me down with projections of their own fear, I have space for my true soul tribe to show up.
To all who have shared my life and brought me to these truths, through both love and betrayal, thank you.
To all who have shown up and loved me through the most painful and scary time of my life, thank you.
To all who remain in my life to share this next exciting chapter, thank you.
To me, for choosing to show up and love myself enough to face my shadow, my fears and open my heart fully, thank you.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. I hope you love and spoil yourself today and everyday because you deserve it!
I have spent the better part of my life saying no.
No to following my heart, no to embracing my power, no to holding myself in high regard. I allowed others to treat me in ways that were soul-crushing, humiliating, and wildly disrespectful.
Why? Because I didn’t feel I deserved any better. Underneath my sassy bravado, I was insecure and felt utterly worthless. Naturally, I attracted relationships that confirmed my deepest suspicions about my value, or lack thereof.
After the collapse of my marriage, I found within myself a well of resilience and strength I had forgotten I possessed. With the unimaginable betrayal came deep grief and then a call to courage.
All the benefits of the “work” I’ve done these past 28 years rose to the surface—gently guided me through one trauma after another. I made a huge withdrawal from my wellness account within my heart.
Along with the loyal and loving support of my soul tribe, I am walking the path to awakening with fierce determination, a touch of grit, and a heaping tablespoon of trust.
I am now ready to say YES to following my dreams and passions; to awakening to true love and deep connection; to trusting my Knowing and being led by my heart.
I will break loose from the shackles of fear that keep me small. I will release the pain of betrayal and fly free toward my destiny.
I am being called to live the expansive life my heart has always longed for. The time for playing small is over. I benefit no one by hiding my gifts.
I am free to stand in my truth and share my offerings without holding back for fear of being “too much.” I embrace my too-muchness and allow my spirit to shine brightly and illuminate the path to awakening. I will no longer dim my light for those afraid to see.
The way forward is clear. I say YES to the Divine encouragement to take risks, be vulnerable, authentic & wild, to receive all the love in the Universe.
Here is a quote I love from Alana Fairchild in the Rumi Oracle:
“Something has to change in your physical world. You are in need of more sustenance, more love, more connection, and more nourishment that touches your body and soul, and brings them into deeper oneness with each other, with life, with love. Dare you open up and allow that love in? The Great Beloved has desired that this be so. Will you heed that holy desire? Will you allow love in? Say yes!
If you find this difficult, now is the time to gently, carefully tend to the walls you once placed between yourself and life – walls of tentativeness, excessive caution, fear of abandonment and betrayal, doubt of your own lovableness, and doubts based on past pain without substance. You are so much greater than these crumbling walls. They are the stuff that is designed for demolition, not devotion and honouring. Can you begin to unpack the bricks you mistakenly believed were essential to your safety and well-being?
You are too vast a sea for that small puddle of thought now. The oceanic world of love is your true home and the sun is beating down upon you. It is too hot to gaze at the ocean longingly from afar, or even stand by its edge. Strip off your layers. Run to the ocean and dive in!”
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dream for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon… I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful to be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
“Magic is not a practice. It is a living, breathing web of energy that, with our permission, can encase our every action.” ~Dorothy Morrison
There is some magical shit happening in my life right now. I’m overwhelmed with this intense feeling of power coursing through my body and, in particular, my hands.
2020 is looking to be an incredible year of awakening and connection. I’m both excited for and nervous of all the changes coming for me. The forest is calling me. New lands are calling me. New & meaningful connections are calling me. The healing arts are calling me. My only job now is to simply open my heart to receiving and to not allow ego, in the form of fear, to get it the way. Simple, yes. Easy, no. I’m reminded of one of my favourite quotes by Goethe, which is quite appropriate now: “Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.” I will be bold.
As I sit here writing this, I’m filled with so much love and gratitude for this life and all the people and experiences I’ve been blessed to know. I just want to explode with JOY!
2019 led me on some amazing adventures! It brought me to tears with appreciation for all the opportunities to experience love and connection with both humans and animals. I’ve made the most incredible new friends and deepened the connections with those already in my soul tribe. I’ve deepened my connection with myself and the truth of who I am & what I’ve come here to share. I’ve also experienced intense mourning for the relationships that needed to fall away and for the aspects of myself I’ve outgrown and shed.
On the first day of this new year, I discovered powerful healing energy coursing through me. I discovered a new calling with a friend that I haven’t quite clarified and can’t articulate yet. I’ve experienced profound love and gratitude that I ‘m unable to find the right words for, other than ineffable. I’ve come home.
My wish for you and all beings is that you find a deep and lasting happiness, are free from suffering, and are able to bring much benefit to the world by sharing your unique and powerful love and light.
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