Category Archives: shame

BOUNCE – Cultivating Resiliency

affirmation, ego, energy, experience, Fear, freedom, growth, health, Inspiration, life, love, meditation, Overcoming challenges, prayer, relationships, resilience, shame, suicide, trust, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability

resilience

“Don’t Take Anything Personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”  

~ Don Miguel Ruiz, author of ‘The Four Agreements’ ~

When I was a child, and I fell and hurt myself, my mom just put me back on my feet (after ascertaining I wasn’t critically injured), gave me a hug and sent me on my way with the words, “You’ll be alright.”  When I came home from school and cried to my dad about some bully who was mean to me, he taught me how to stand up for myself.  I really believe these early experiences were the seeds that would later blossom into the emotional resiliency I enjoy today.

It seems in this age of social media, we’re exposed to a seemingly infinite stream of harsh words and negativity.  In my day, the bullies were “out there” and my home was a sanctuary.  Now the bullies come into our lives from every angle with no where to hide.

Add to that the idea that we need to protect our kids from any real or perceived discomfort by rushing in to remove every bad feeling the moment they have them.  How are they to develop any kind of resilience to negativity?  We mean well, as parents, and want to prevent our children from feeling pain, but in all this intervention, we’ve robbed them of the opportunity to learn how to move through discomfort, instead of always running away from it or making it someone else’s problem to solve.

The pharmaceutical companies tells us that every negative emotion is a “syndrome” or “disorder” that’s not our fault and easily fixable with a pill.  And as we’ve become a culture of instant gratification, we want instant symptom relief, which these pills promise.  If not pills, we turn to food, narcotics, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. (which are just different variations of the same pill).  Why spend all that time and energy addressing the cause of our discomfort when we can just remove the symptoms and forget about it for a while?

Here’s why… we now have a society of non-resilient and entitled people completely unprepared for a world that isn’t going to shield them from all forms of emotional pain (Political Correctness Police aside); that doesn’t think that every little thing they do is amazing and cause for celebration; that isn’t going to validate their worthiness and solve their self-esteem issues; that isn’t going to reward them just for showing up and doing the bare minimum; and that will hold them accountable for their actions.

Is it any wonder that depression, obesity, disease of all kinds and global anger is sweeping the planet in epidemic proportions?

So, what’s the solution?  It’s simple…. but certainly not easy.  Stop blaming others and decide to take responsibility for your current emotional state and develop resiliency in whatever way resonates with you. The following is a list of all the things I’ve personally done that have helped me enormously:  Seek a counselor, wellness coach or spiritual teacher to help you become more empowered and emotionally stable, which will make you less vulnerable to the negative words and actions of others; go to rehab or a 12 Step programme if you suffer from addictions; train for and run a marathon or half marathon (one of my faves for learning to move through pain and persevere), eat nutrient dense food and exercise (two of the best, and most underused, antidepressants out there), and meditate, meditate, meditate.

If all of these suggestions seem way too overwhelming or hard, just start with taking a single deep breath, then another, and another. Just breathe.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”  ~Lao Tzu ~

Namaste.

Liberation through Accountability

amends, ego, energy, experience, Fear, freedom, growth, Inspiration, life, Overcoming challenges, relationships, shame, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability


“Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them; but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.” ~Helen Keller~

There is no word for shame or guilt in Tibetan. The closest translation is “intelligent regret that decides to do things differently.”  One of my biggest regrets is wasting so much of my energy on anger, instead of cultivating compassion. It wasn’t until I made the decision to look more closely at my anger, dig in and pull it out by the roots, that I discovered most of it came from feelings of shame.

I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone. I do the best I can with what I have to work with at any given moment in time. As I learn and acquire better tools, I become more adept at expressing myself honestly and productively, causing less collateral damage. When I’m wrong, I accept responsibility and endeavour to right that wrong. Denying my culpability is a complete waste of energy.  I cannot move forward and enact significant change in my life if I’m not accountable for every aspect of my life. I am the sole creator of my life experience.

Whenever conflict arises, it’s not always easy to see what my part is. It takes skill and rigorous honesty to unravel the knot and discover what part is mine. Then comes the real challenge… to not beat myself up about it. It’s this investigative process that leads me to a much deeper understanding of myself and others. This is where compassion is born.  However, if I’m being harsh with myself, that harshness will cloud my interactions with others. In order to gain freedom from anger and shame, I needed to snap out of delusion and fearlessly seek out the truth.

I began with my resentments. They serve as a rich guide, as I tend to resent in others what I most need to acknowledge in myself. When I took a hard look at my anger, my patterns became very clear. I have learned some painful truths behind my behaviours and expectations. I found that I often looked to others to fulfill my need to feel secure in myself…for validation and worthiness.  I allowed the behaviour of others to dictate whether I was happy or miserable.  I was a victim.

Through the following practice in honest accountability, I found liberation from shame and victim consciousness.  I discovered a well of happiness not dependent on outside circumstances… a sustainable happiness I could maintain by working with my mind. Taking people and circumstances out of the equation put me completely in charge of my levels of joy or suffering. The choice was, and is always, mine.

The practice:  Make a list of all your resentments, past and present. Give yourself permission to throw out all rationale and reasonableness and just vent all your feelings about the person or situation. Be as detailed as possible, but don’t worry about how accurate it is. Your perception is what matters in this exercise.

Next, write down how you were specifically affected by the circumstance that led to the resentment? Did it affect how you feel about yourself or what you believe others think and feel about you… your reputation?  Did it prevent you from getting something you wanted or did it cause you to get something you didn’t want?  Did it affect your sense of safety or security? Did it make you feel fearful or worried? Did it affect your finances? Did it affect your personal or professional relationships?

Now, describe any part you played in the event. This is where you need to be rigorously honest with yourself. There’s no point in this exercise if you’re just going to bullshit yourself.  Where were you harsh or judgmental… expecting others to behave the way you think they should?  Were you lacking in humility? Seeking to arouse jealousy? Was the need to be right (protecting your ego) the most important result to you?  Were you dishonest in any way? Be aware that blame is often dishonesty in disguise. Dishonesty includes, not only lies to others, but lies to yourself (denial) and things left unsaid.  Were you inconsiderate…only thinking of yourself?  Were you full of fear? Were you grasping… afraid of losing what you have or not getting what you want?

If you are able to be completely open and honest with yourself, you are likely to see your patterns of thoughts and behaviors underneath your resentments. It is only in identifying the hidden defense mechanisms we use and accepting responsibility for the role we play in all our interactions with others that we can begin to make real changes in our lives that create a new and healthy dynamic in all our relationships. Refusing to play the victim and allowing the behaviour of others to dictate our level of happiness is liberating. We will no longer be held hostage by our feelings, which, by the way, are constantly changing and very rarely based in fact.  As Helen Schucman says in A Course in Miracles, “Your understanding is not a powerful contribution to the truth.”  In other words, feelings aren’t fact. Anger, shame, fear….. all delusions.

So, be brave, seek out your truth and know peace.

Namaste.

3 Things To Stop Saying Sorry For…

amends, ego, energy, experience, freedom, growth, health, Inspiration, life, love, marriage, Overcoming challenges, relationships, shame, trust, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability

lifetips-copy

Saying you’re sorry and meaning it is a powerful tool in taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions. It relieves you of guilt and empowers forgiveness and change.

However, we’re often saying sorry just for speaking our truth. Women, in particular, are prone to this social conditioning.  We’re so afraid of being thought of as a selfish bitch or a nag,  we suppress our truth and do what those around us want or need, often at the expense of our spiritual, mental and physical health.

It’s time to stop being sorry and start taking care of ourselves.  If you believe that makes you selfish, it’s time to look at the definition of the word…

“Selfish:  seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure or well-being without regard for others.”

Taking care of yourself and making sure your needs are met is not selfish as long as you are not completely disregarding the needs of others. I’m suggesting you put on your own oxygen mask first before attempting to help others.  Remember, you can’t give what you don’t have.  So, if you’re running on fumes, or worse, collapse altogether, you’re no good to anyone, least of all yourself.  Why not leave the martyrdom to the experts…

Here are 3 things we need to STOP saying sorry for:

  1.  Taking time for yourself – Exercising, resting, reading, meditating, vegging out in front of a movie, hanging out with your friends, date night with your main squeeze, or any activity you enjoy are all perfectly acceptable to engage in without feeling guilty. Whatever feeds your soul and brings joy & bliss to your heart, needs to be included in your list of priorities.  Making yourself a priority will empower those around you to do the same, which benefits everyone;
  2. Saying no  – Whether it’s help in some form, such as giving your money, time, resources, or your expertise in some area, it’s ok to say no. Of course, it’s important to help others when and where you can, but stretching yourself too thin weakens you and throws you out of balance.  I always ask the question, “Will my help empower or disempower them?”  I try to find ways to truly benefit others in such a way as to create independence and boost their confidence. This enables them to build strength and resiliency. The next question I ask is, “What is my motivation?”  Am I coming from a place of love and compassion or am I being self-serving in some way, such as, playing the hero to bolster my ego? Ensuring my motivation is pure is essential in every situation. When my help is peppered with wisdom and love, I find I don’t get out of balance or exhausted. It’s important to remember that sometimes saying no is an act of love.
  3. Asking for help – It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to ask for help when you’re struggling.  I personally find this one the most difficult.  I am not an island, although sometimes I like to think I am. When you’ve been let down by someone, or many someones, who you counted on to be there, it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing you can only rely on yourself and close off channels of connection. However, this disconnect can often to lead to narcissistic delusion. Together with my intuition, I need to bounce my ideas off trusted friends and family to gain a clearer picture of the truth.   Perspective can only be obtained through a broader view.  When we’re too close, everything becomes blurry.  So, don’t apologise for asking for help.  If you’re concerned about being a burden on someone, remember #2 – it’s their responsibility to tell the truth and say no if they need to.

The Beliefs Challenge

affirmation, ego, experience, Fear, freedom, growth, health, Inspiration, life, meditation, Overcoming challenges, relationships, shame, trust, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability
beliefs
“It is only by being supremely blissful that you can give others your absolute best.”
~ Jana Joy ~
I encourage you to look at some of your beliefs and ask yourself the following questions:
Does this belief empower me?
Does it benefit me in any way?
Does it make me happy?
If the answer to any of these questions is, “NO,” you may want to consider letting this belief go and open your mind to a new & improved belief that actually benefits you.
Comment below with a belief you have previously challenged and let go of, or one that you currently hold that creates negativity and restrictions in your life. I’ll start…
There was a time, long ago, that I held the belief that others’ opinions of me defined me. I believed, wholeheartedly, that I was an amalgamation of the ideas that others had formed about me.
Once I challenged this belief and learned the truth about who I really was underneath all the dogma and wrong ideas, I was freed from the prison of shame and self-doubt. I was liberated!! I had discovered that I was pure perfection…that we are ALL pure perfection.
The result of this exercise is that I became highly motivated to challenge all my beliefs, which has led to a life of constant, free-flowing inspiration, growth, empowerment and abundance.
There have been many obstacles along the way…painful emotions, a lot of fear and the pressure of society to try and make me conform to negative beliefs, but I persevered and eventually overcame them all.
I promise you, it was absolutely worth it!
Blessings, Jana

BREATHE.

affirmation, ego, energy, experience, Fear, freedom, grief, growth, health, Inspiration, life, love, marriage, meditation, Overcoming challenges, prayer, relationships, shame, trust, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability

clouds

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thích Nhất Hạnh

Several years ago, when I was a smoker (I know….gross!), I used to believe that smoking relaxed me; never mind the fact that nicotine is a stimulant.  When I gained my freedom from that terrible addiction several years ago, I found that it was the act of conscious breathing that one engages in while smoking that leads the smoker to believe it’s relaxing.

Conscious breathing, as in meditation, right? Yeah.. kinda. But I don’t have to be on the pillow in meditation to consciously breathe.  Once I started to pay attention, I was surprised at how  often I found myself holding my breath or breathing in a shallow manner.  What usually caught my attention to this was that I would suddenly become anxious. I always thought anxiety brought about the shallow breathing but shallow breathing also brings about anxiety.

I once believed that breathing was automated and I didn’t have to think about it.  When I first began meditating many, many years ago, I learned that I didn’t know how to breathe at all and had to be re-taught.  It was hard in the beginning as the more I focussed on my breathing, the more I would hyperventilate.  Man, those early days were rough!

But over time, it became easier to control my breathing and feel the benefits of a regular meditation practice.  I highly recommend beginners join a meditation class or download some good guided meditations as I found it much easier to begin this way.

Now, whenever I feel uneasy, I check that I’m not holding my breath.  One deep, cleansing breath invariably removes, or at least reduces the anxiety.  My breathing tells the tale of my inner world.  It lets me know when I’m off balance, stressed, insecure or not in alignment with Source Energy.  It’s a great barometer that never fails to tell the truth.

So, Number 2 on my list of Divine Daily Practices is:  BREATHE.

 

SHAME PURVEYORS

Fear, freedom, Inspiration, life, love, Overcoming challenges, relationships, shame, truth

ShameFingers

“It is an act of love to look after one’s self, not an act of community terrorism.”  ~ Jana Joy ~

Are you a shame purveyor or do you fall victim to them?

We all know what shame purveyors look like.  We may even occasionally catch a glimpse of one in the mirror.  It’s a person who points a finger and offers a judgmental comment designed to make us feel bad about ourselves.  Sometimes it comes in the form of a pseudo-compliment or phony compassion.  Here are some examples of the shame we’re sold:

“You’re so lucky to have a partner who doesn’t mind if you abandon your children to go off for a weekend away.”

“Oh, I could never do something like that.  I’d feel too guilty.”

“How do you manage to work full-time and still find any quality time for your family??”

“So, what do you DO all day as a stay-at-home mom? Don’t you get bored?”

“I wish I had time to take a nap/get a facial/go to lunch.  I’m too busy taking care of my family/community/work commitments.”

“You should help out more by joining our committee/volunteer for this cause/donate your money and/or time for this and that.”

“You should… You should…  You should…”

The response in my head is always, “You should mind your own business and stop should-ing on me!”  What I actually say is, “No, thank you.”  That’s it.  I don’t make up excuses.  I don’t offer apologies.  I just say no.  I used to be a victim of the shame purveyors and engaged in all the activities I should be doing in order to be a “good” mom and a “good” person.  But I was so busy and tired all the time that I turned into this resentful, crabby cow.  And what did I do with all that resentment?  I turned it on others and should-ed all over them.  I paid it forward.  After all, sharing is caring… right?

Then one day, I learned the valuable lesson we all have to learn the hard way.  In order to really be of benefit to others, I need to take care of myself.  I cannot give what I do not have.  If I’m burned out and exhausted, I’m not much use to anyone.

It is an act of love to look after one’s self, not an act of community terrorism.  But the shame police in my head and the shame purveyors around me would have me believe otherwise.  Taking time for myself to engage in an activity that feeds my soul, but is, otherwise, of no direct benefit to others will cause the collapse of civilization as we know it.  If I’m not there to hold it all together, it will all fall to pieces (can you say, “control freak?”).  As it turns out, the world keeps on spinning, even while I’m getting a facial.

Now that I’ve (mostly) conquered my inner shame purveyor, when I’m faced with one, I’m usually filled with compassion as I know all too well that the shame they’re attempting to push on me is nothing compared to the shame they heap on themselves.  I say “usually” because, I admit, sometimes my initial reaction is to want to smack them!   It takes a lot of practice to get past the habit of shaming myself and others, but, like anything else, the more I practice, the better I get at it.

If we all stopped playing the shame game, we would be free to live our lives purposefully and joyfully.   I encourage you to release your inner shame purveyor and stop the vicious cycle of abuse.  A true gift is one given from love, not out of shame or guilt.

VULNERABILITY

amends, ego, Fear, freedom, Inspiration, life, love, relationships, shame, trust, truth, vulnerability

vulnerability

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”  ~Brene Brown~

Vulnerability, to me, means telling the truth, even when it gets me in trouble or causes me embarrassment.  It’s saying, “I’m sorry” and asking for forgiveness. It’s saying, “I don’t know” and, “I love you.”  It’s sharing my fears and secret shame with those I love and trust.  It’s admitting I was wrong and that you were right. It’s allowing myself to be really seen, flaws and all.  It’s following my dreams, despite the fear of failure.  It is writing this blog and sharing it with the world. 

Vulnerability feels like having a wide open heart; loving someone so much that they have the power to hurt me deeply, and loving them anyway.  It’s allowing others to care for me when I’m sick or grieving.  It’s sharing the truth when you ask me how I am feeling.

Being dependent is not vulnerability.  Dependency makes me feel weak.  I’m learning that there is a vast difference to being dependent and depending on others.  It takes vulnerability to depend on someone, knowing that they could let me down.  And if they do let me down, it’s knowing that I’ll be just fine, despite feeling hurt.  I think that’s the main difference.  Dependency creates the illusion that I have no power to create the life I want; that if you leave me or disappoint me, my life will come crashing down around me, causing irreparable damage.

Feeling pain is a sign of vulnerability.  Rather than run from it, I allow it to flow freely through me, rejoicing in the knowledge that my heart is open.  A closed heart doesn’t feel pain…it feels angry or numb, both defense mechanisms.  When my heart is really open, my spirit is aligned with Source energy.  This feels so amazing, it’s worth embracing and walking through the pain.

I would love to know what vulnerability means to you.  Please share your answers in the comments section below.

Namaste.

I’m sooooo sorry!

amends, ego, Fear, Inspiration, life, shame, truth, Uncategorized

sorry

“Classic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”  ~ Aldous Huxley ~

I can only do my best in any given situation, depending on my level of awareness.  I can often drift into unconsciousness and not even notice I have caused harm.  If I am paying attention, however, I can always sense when I’ve said or done something that causes someone discomfort.

It is then that I go inside and analyze my motivation for whatever I said or did.  Was it ego motivated or sincerely from a place of wanting to help?  If my motivation was sincere, I then look at my delivery.  Was it harsh or lacking compassion?  If it was, or if I was coming from a place of ego, then I know that an amends is necessary. 

It is important to be clear about what I regret before I offer an amends.  We do not crawl or grovel before anyone.  That is not a sign of sincerity or humility, but an act of manipulation.  It says, “I have done this terrible thing, but look how sorry I am. That must mean I am really a good person.”  It puts others in the awkward position of having to validate you.  Begging for forgiveness places all the attention on you and discounts the other person entirely.  It is a performance of the ego.

True regret for a mistake is simply an acknowledgment of the act from a place of awareness, then an amends based on that awareness.  This process always benefits me more than whomever I make an amends to because it keeps me conscious and acutely aware of the energy I am putting out.  It is also an incredible humility builder.  The best part is that it releases me from the shame spiral.

When used correctly, there is great power in the words, “I’m sorry.”

FREEDOM FROM SHAME

freedom, Inspiration, life, love, shame, truth, ,

freedom

In my desire to be free from shame and remove all the self-limiting beliefs I have about myself, I need to peel the layers of delusion and uncover the truth.

I spent the first half of my life living in a state of fear and fantasy.  I was always running away from what I perceived to be my lack of value.  Deep down, I truly believed I was unworthy of love, flawed, broken, unrecoverable.  I hid these feelings behind lies and bravado.  I thought if I could convince others I was strong, independent and confident, eventually it might come true.  What I didn’t realise at the time was that in my dishonesty, I was creating more shame, which led to more fear, which led to more dishonesty.  I was caught in vicious cycle that seemed to have no way out.  I would never find the freedom I craved until I stopped bullshitting myself and came clean.

In order to begin this process, it was important to find the source of all these mistaken ideas. I began with my resentments.  They serve as a rich guide, as I tend to resent in others what I most need to acknowledge in myself.  When I took a cold, hard look at these, my patterns became very clear.  I learned some painful truths about my behaviours and expectations.  I saw that I was looking to others to fulfil my need to feel safe, secure and loved.  Others’ behaviour had to meet unreasonable and unattainable levels of perfection and when they didn’t, a judgement was rendered and a resentment was created.  I was wildly creative in my narrative, both to myself and anyone who would listen.  My powers of rationalisation are extraordinary.  Couple that with a robust story-telling ability, and a “truth” was born.  When I tell these truths long enough, they become fact, lodged in concrete, rigid. 

Exploring my resentments from a place of rigorous honesty and non-judgement, with the intention of uncovering my true essence, took an act of courage and a giant leap of faith… faith that once I see who I really am, underneath all the fear and lies designed to protect my ego’s stronghold over my life, I will find a magnificent being, pure in energy and love. 

Through this exercise in honest awareness, I was liberated from my secret shame and a magnificent, authentic being is what I found, with joy right behind.