The past few birthdays have brought a reckoning for me.

I’m usually found crying, raging, or both. Each year I fall into a pit of despair and self pity. And then an epic existential crisis unfolds….

Why am I here?

What is the point of it all?

What have I accomplished that has any real value?

Am I truly loved?

How can I truly love others if I don’t love myself?

Did I fail as a mother, a wife, a friend?

Did I take more than I gave?

Did I sacrifice too much for safety and security?

Did I waste my life by not following my own dreams?

And on and on it goes….

But these breakdowns always precede the breakthroughs.

When I feel my heart breaking, I lean in and then pivot.

I allow my heart to break… wide open.

Now is the time for courage…

For releasing the false truths that bind me to suffering….

For trust.

For dreams to unfold.

No more shame inducing toxic positivity.

No more ego driven pursuits.

No more resistance to vulnerability.

No more meeting bitterness with bitterness.

In hating my enemy, I have become my own worst enemy.

I will stand up for truth and honour… WITH truth and honour.

I will not be reduced by the ancient storylines of trauma, my own or another’s.

I will feel all the feels and express them openly and unapologetically.

I’m no longer interested in false bravado for image’s sake.

My strength and resilience are the truest gifts of suffering.

My strife has been my greatest ally….

A faithful servant no matter how much I rage against it.

I am in the arena getting my ass kicked.

That is what I signed up for in this life.

I chose the path of the warrior.

Some days I quiver and fall apart, but I always get back up and get back in the arena.

Why? Well… this quote by Brene Brown says it best….

“I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked.

We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.

Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.

Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.

A lot of cheap seats in the arena are filled with people who never venture onto the floor. They just hurl mean-spirited criticisms and put-downs from a safe distance.

The problem is, when we stop caring what people think and stop feeling hurt by cruelty, we lose our ability to connect. But when we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives.

For me, if you’re not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”

Brené Brown, Rising Strong

Many blessings, Jana ✨💠✨