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Liberation through Accountability

amends, ego, energy, experience, Fear, freedom, growth, Inspiration, life, Overcoming challenges, relationships, shame, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability


“Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them; but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight.” ~Helen Keller~

There is no word for shame or guilt in Tibetan. The closest translation is “intelligent regret that decides to do things differently.”  One of my biggest regrets is wasting so much of my energy on anger, instead of cultivating compassion. It wasn’t until I made the decision to look more closely at my anger, dig in and pull it out by the roots, that I discovered most of it came from feelings of shame.

I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone. I do the best I can with what I have to work with at any given moment in time. As I learn and acquire better tools, I become more adept at expressing myself honestly and productively, causing less collateral damage. When I’m wrong, I accept responsibility and endeavour to right that wrong. Denying my culpability is a complete waste of energy.  I cannot move forward and enact significant change in my life if I’m not accountable for every aspect of my life. I am the sole creator of my life experience.

Whenever conflict arises, it’s not always easy to see what my part is. It takes skill and rigorous honesty to unravel the knot and discover what part is mine. Then comes the real challenge… to not beat myself up about it. It’s this investigative process that leads me to a much deeper understanding of myself and others. This is where compassion is born.  However, if I’m being harsh with myself, that harshness will cloud my interactions with others. In order to gain freedom from anger and shame, I needed to snap out of delusion and fearlessly seek out the truth.

I began with my resentments. They serve as a rich guide, as I tend to resent in others what I most need to acknowledge in myself. When I took a hard look at my anger, my patterns became very clear. I have learned some painful truths behind my behaviours and expectations. I found that I often looked to others to fulfill my need to feel secure in myself…for validation and worthiness.  I allowed the behaviour of others to dictate whether I was happy or miserable.  I was a victim.

Through the following practice in honest accountability, I found liberation from shame and victim consciousness.  I discovered a well of happiness not dependent on outside circumstances… a sustainable happiness I could maintain by working with my mind. Taking people and circumstances out of the equation put me completely in charge of my levels of joy or suffering. The choice was, and is always, mine.

The practice:  Make a list of all your resentments, past and present. Give yourself permission to throw out all rationale and reasonableness and just vent all your feelings about the person or situation. Be as detailed as possible, but don’t worry about how accurate it is. Your perception is what matters in this exercise.

Next, write down how you were specifically affected by the circumstance that led to the resentment? Did it affect how you feel about yourself or what you believe others think and feel about you… your reputation?  Did it prevent you from getting something you wanted or did it cause you to get something you didn’t want?  Did it affect your sense of safety or security? Did it make you feel fearful or worried? Did it affect your finances? Did it affect your personal or professional relationships?

Now, describe any part you played in the event. This is where you need to be rigorously honest with yourself. There’s no point in this exercise if you’re just going to bullshit yourself.  Where were you harsh or judgmental… expecting others to behave the way you think they should?  Were you lacking in humility? Seeking to arouse jealousy? Was the need to be right (protecting your ego) the most important result to you?  Were you dishonest in any way? Be aware that blame is often dishonesty in disguise. Dishonesty includes, not only lies to others, but lies to yourself (denial) and things left unsaid.  Were you inconsiderate…only thinking of yourself?  Were you full of fear? Were you grasping… afraid of losing what you have or not getting what you want?

If you are able to be completely open and honest with yourself, you are likely to see your patterns of thoughts and behaviors underneath your resentments. It is only in identifying the hidden defense mechanisms we use and accepting responsibility for the role we play in all our interactions with others that we can begin to make real changes in our lives that create a new and healthy dynamic in all our relationships. Refusing to play the victim and allowing the behaviour of others to dictate our level of happiness is liberating. We will no longer be held hostage by our feelings, which, by the way, are constantly changing and very rarely based in fact.  As Helen Schucman says in A Course in Miracles, “Your understanding is not a powerful contribution to the truth.”  In other words, feelings aren’t fact. Anger, shame, fear….. all delusions.

So, be brave, seek out your truth and know peace.

Namaste.

Anger… my greatest teacher.

affirmation, amends, ego, energy, experience, Fear, freedom, growth, health, Inspiration, life, love, meditation, Overcoming challenges, prayer, relationships, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability

For the last few months I’ve been dealing with a very angry old man who has been terrorising my 14 year old son, who occasionally rides past his house to ride his motorbike in a large flat paddock in our community. I won’t go into very much detail except to say that it’s been bringing out the vicious mama bear in me.  As a Buddhist, I’m taught to practise loving-kindness and compassion toward all beings, but dealing with this man makes me want to kill!

My one small vindication (ok… let’s call it a rationalisation), is that my super patient, calm and reasonable husband has the same reaction to this person. We’ve tried to figure out how we’ve allowed this man to hijack our serenity and infect us with his misery. It feels as though he has some kind of super power, that when fuelled with alcohol, turns him into some kind of impenetrable demon. Trying to reason with him is like to trying to reason with a 2 year old mid-tantrum…. totally pointless.

What to do? We’ve tried ignoring him, but when he actively tries to seriously harm our son, we have to intervene. We’ve talked to the police who are unable to do anything until something happens, like our son ends up in hospital. We demand that our son always wear his Go-Pro so we have every interaction with this man on video, which I’ve uploaded into our police file so there’s a history of the abuse. We’ve even met with our community Board to attempt a compromise wherein we will minimise our son’s bike riding in that particular area. Never mind the thousands of dollars we spent buying him a quieter motorbike. So far, to no avail….

I’ve been desperately trying to find compassion toward this man who is clearly in the jaws of a serious alcohol problem and has a long and distinguished reputation of being a miserable prick!  Let me be clear here… I’m doing this for myself. This isn’t about changing him, but changing my reaction to him.  There will always be people or situations that cross my path that are unpleasant or downright infuriating. While I must take appropriate action to stand up for my rights and the rights of others to be free from tyranny and abuse, it’s also essential that I don’t add more anger and hatred to the mix. If I do…. everyone loses.

I recently began my tonglen meditation practice again in order to get back to my happy place and my body’s first reaction has been a wicked sore throat and cold. I’m hopeful this means it’s working.

My practice begins with this prayer:

“Having recognised the futility of my selfishness and the great benefit of loving others, may I bring all beings joy.  May I send all my virtues and happiness to others through the strength of my practice, and may I receive the suffering, obstacles and defilements of all motherly beings in all realms.”

I start by visualising a person or group of people who are suffering. I imagine their suffering pouring out of them as hot, dark smoke, as I breathe it all in deeply. I accept the feelings of pain and discomfort as they come forward.  This part is tricky as my first inclination is to move away from pain, almost reflexively.  When I catch myself doing that, I bring myself back to the discomfort, repeating the mantra, “May I remove all your suffering by receiving it fully.”

I then look toward a group of my loved ones and generate all the feelings of love I feel for them. Children and pets are particularly easy in helping to generate this pure, unconditional love as we don’t tend to hold any resentment toward them. I imagine this feeling of love as a healing white light surrounding me and dissolving the dark smoke within.

Next, I go back to those who are suffering and visualise the pure white light of love and compassion surrounding and embracing them. I repeat the mantra:”May I send you all my virtues and happiness and bring you joy.”

This tonglen practice can be done in 5 minutes when I practise it everyday. But if I’ve gotten away from it, it usually takes me longer as my mind is very busy and rambunctious, like a wild elephant.

The results are amazing and instant. Unfortunately, anger and resentment are difficult habits to break, so it takes a lot of practise to gain control of them. It can be frustrating in the beginning as it feels as though you can’t hold any image for more than a second before you start thinking about how annoying some person is or what you need to get done that day, ad infinitum.

Be patient with yourself and push through the roadblocks. It’s worth it… I promise.

Namaste

3 Things To Stop Saying Sorry For…

amends, ego, energy, experience, freedom, growth, health, Inspiration, life, love, marriage, Overcoming challenges, relationships, shame, trust, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability

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Saying you’re sorry and meaning it is a powerful tool in taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions. It relieves you of guilt and empowers forgiveness and change.

However, we’re often saying sorry just for speaking our truth. Women, in particular, are prone to this social conditioning.  We’re so afraid of being thought of as a selfish bitch or a nag,  we suppress our truth and do what those around us want or need, often at the expense of our spiritual, mental and physical health.

It’s time to stop being sorry and start taking care of ourselves.  If you believe that makes you selfish, it’s time to look at the definition of the word…

“Selfish:  seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure or well-being without regard for others.”

Taking care of yourself and making sure your needs are met is not selfish as long as you are not completely disregarding the needs of others. I’m suggesting you put on your own oxygen mask first before attempting to help others.  Remember, you can’t give what you don’t have.  So, if you’re running on fumes, or worse, collapse altogether, you’re no good to anyone, least of all yourself.  Why not leave the martyrdom to the experts…

Here are 3 things we need to STOP saying sorry for:

  1.  Taking time for yourself – Exercising, resting, reading, meditating, vegging out in front of a movie, hanging out with your friends, date night with your main squeeze, or any activity you enjoy are all perfectly acceptable to engage in without feeling guilty. Whatever feeds your soul and brings joy & bliss to your heart, needs to be included in your list of priorities.  Making yourself a priority will empower those around you to do the same, which benefits everyone;
  2. Saying no  – Whether it’s help in some form, such as giving your money, time, resources, or your expertise in some area, it’s ok to say no. Of course, it’s important to help others when and where you can, but stretching yourself too thin weakens you and throws you out of balance.  I always ask the question, “Will my help empower or disempower them?”  I try to find ways to truly benefit others in such a way as to create independence and boost their confidence. This enables them to build strength and resiliency. The next question I ask is, “What is my motivation?”  Am I coming from a place of love and compassion or am I being self-serving in some way, such as, playing the hero to bolster my ego? Ensuring my motivation is pure is essential in every situation. When my help is peppered with wisdom and love, I find I don’t get out of balance or exhausted. It’s important to remember that sometimes saying no is an act of love.
  3. Asking for help – It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to ask for help when you’re struggling.  I personally find this one the most difficult.  I am not an island, although sometimes I like to think I am. When you’ve been let down by someone, or many someones, who you counted on to be there, it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing you can only rely on yourself and close off channels of connection. However, this disconnect can often to lead to narcissistic delusion. Together with my intuition, I need to bounce my ideas off trusted friends and family to gain a clearer picture of the truth.   Perspective can only be obtained through a broader view.  When we’re too close, everything becomes blurry.  So, don’t apologise for asking for help.  If you’re concerned about being a burden on someone, remember #2 – it’s their responsibility to tell the truth and say no if they need to.

The Beliefs Challenge

affirmation, ego, experience, Fear, freedom, growth, health, Inspiration, life, meditation, Overcoming challenges, relationships, shame, trust, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability
beliefs
“It is only by being supremely blissful that you can give others your absolute best.”
~ Jana Joy ~
I encourage you to look at some of your beliefs and ask yourself the following questions:
Does this belief empower me?
Does it benefit me in any way?
Does it make me happy?
If the answer to any of these questions is, “NO,” you may want to consider letting this belief go and open your mind to a new & improved belief that actually benefits you.
Comment below with a belief you have previously challenged and let go of, or one that you currently hold that creates negativity and restrictions in your life. I’ll start…
There was a time, long ago, that I held the belief that others’ opinions of me defined me. I believed, wholeheartedly, that I was an amalgamation of the ideas that others had formed about me.
Once I challenged this belief and learned the truth about who I really was underneath all the dogma and wrong ideas, I was freed from the prison of shame and self-doubt. I was liberated!! I had discovered that I was pure perfection…that we are ALL pure perfection.
The result of this exercise is that I became highly motivated to challenge all my beliefs, which has led to a life of constant, free-flowing inspiration, growth, empowerment and abundance.
There have been many obstacles along the way…painful emotions, a lot of fear and the pressure of society to try and make me conform to negative beliefs, but I persevered and eventually overcame them all.
I promise you, it was absolutely worth it!
Blessings, Jana

BREATHE.

affirmation, ego, energy, experience, Fear, freedom, grief, growth, health, Inspiration, life, love, marriage, meditation, Overcoming challenges, prayer, relationships, shame, trust, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability

clouds

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thích Nhất Hạnh

Several years ago, when I was a smoker (I know….gross!), I used to believe that smoking relaxed me; never mind the fact that nicotine is a stimulant.  When I gained my freedom from that terrible addiction several years ago, I found that it was the act of conscious breathing that one engages in while smoking that leads the smoker to believe it’s relaxing.

Conscious breathing, as in meditation, right? Yeah.. kinda. But I don’t have to be on the pillow in meditation to consciously breathe.  Once I started to pay attention, I was surprised at how  often I found myself holding my breath or breathing in a shallow manner.  What usually caught my attention to this was that I would suddenly become anxious. I always thought anxiety brought about the shallow breathing but shallow breathing also brings about anxiety.

I once believed that breathing was automated and I didn’t have to think about it.  When I first began meditating many, many years ago, I learned that I didn’t know how to breathe at all and had to be re-taught.  It was hard in the beginning as the more I focussed on my breathing, the more I would hyperventilate.  Man, those early days were rough!

But over time, it became easier to control my breathing and feel the benefits of a regular meditation practice.  I highly recommend beginners join a meditation class or download some good guided meditations as I found it much easier to begin this way.

Now, whenever I feel uneasy, I check that I’m not holding my breath.  One deep, cleansing breath invariably removes, or at least reduces the anxiety.  My breathing tells the tale of my inner world.  It lets me know when I’m off balance, stressed, insecure or not in alignment with Source Energy.  It’s a great barometer that never fails to tell the truth.

So, Number 2 on my list of Divine Daily Practices is:  BREATHE.

 

BUSY SYNDROME

Fear, Inspiration, life, truth, Uncategorized

busy2 copy

“Exhaustion is not a status symbol.  Crazy-busy is a great armor… it’s a great way for numbing. What a lot of us do is that we stay so busy, and so out in front of our life, that the truth of how we’re feeling and what we really need can’t catch up with us.”  ~ Brene Brown ~

The realisation that I suffer from Busy Syndrome was a shock to me.  When I read Brene Brown’s observation that we, in our society, see exhaustion as a status symbol, I immediately recognised that I am always talking about how crazy busy I am with an air of pride.  I’m actually bragging about being much too busy and, therefore, important.  Yikes!

This explains why I haven’t written a blog in so many weeks.  Once again, I have demoted my writing to “just a silly hobby.”  I have been actively disengaging with my gift of observation… staying distracted.  The question is… why?  If Brene is right and I’m staying busy in an attempt to numb and avoid my feelings, what, exactly, am I hiding from?

After some reflection, I’ve realised it is the feeling of insecurity.  I have let the doubt demons come in and throw a party in my head.  You know the scene… entertaining the thoughts that tell you you’re not good enough, smart enough or that you have nothing vital to say.  Who do I think I am and what do I have to offer?

The antidote to this, for me, has always been to just show up and do it anyway.  No matter what my fear says, DO IT ANYWAY!  So, here I am… showing up and writing this blog.

I know from vast experience that this is the most effective way of shutting down the doubting demon party and moving forward. 

I would love to hear what your antidotes are for overcoming doubt and insecurity.  Please leave your comments below…..

Namaste.

I’m sooooo sorry!

amends, ego, Fear, Inspiration, life, shame, truth, Uncategorized

sorry

“Classic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”  ~ Aldous Huxley ~

I can only do my best in any given situation, depending on my level of awareness.  I can often drift into unconsciousness and not even notice I have caused harm.  If I am paying attention, however, I can always sense when I’ve said or done something that causes someone discomfort.

It is then that I go inside and analyze my motivation for whatever I said or did.  Was it ego motivated or sincerely from a place of wanting to help?  If my motivation was sincere, I then look at my delivery.  Was it harsh or lacking compassion?  If it was, or if I was coming from a place of ego, then I know that an amends is necessary. 

It is important to be clear about what I regret before I offer an amends.  We do not crawl or grovel before anyone.  That is not a sign of sincerity or humility, but an act of manipulation.  It says, “I have done this terrible thing, but look how sorry I am. That must mean I am really a good person.”  It puts others in the awkward position of having to validate you.  Begging for forgiveness places all the attention on you and discounts the other person entirely.  It is a performance of the ego.

True regret for a mistake is simply an acknowledgment of the act from a place of awareness, then an amends based on that awareness.  This process always benefits me more than whomever I make an amends to because it keeps me conscious and acutely aware of the energy I am putting out.  It is also an incredible humility builder.  The best part is that it releases me from the shame spiral.

When used correctly, there is great power in the words, “I’m sorry.”

Are you hooked?

health, Inspiration, love, Uncategorized

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Acceptance is the releasing of the need to control.  I accept that I have little, if any, control over the initial thought or the instinctive reaction to that thought.  Meditation teaches me that the act of keeping all thoughts from coming is damn near impossible!  I don’t endeavour to keep the thoughts from coming.  My only goal is to slow down the mechanism to a point where I can see more clearly what is happening in my mind and body.  The discipline is to let the thoughts pass by and not attach anything to them.

It’s the same when I’m faced with a hurtful comment from someone or I see or hear something that causes me discomfort.  My initial reaction feels like a tightening in the stomach. In Tibetan this is called shenpa, a hook that triggers our habitual tendency to shut down, close off.  I cannot prevent that initial tightening, as it seems to happen automatically.  What I can control is what comes next.

I notice the lurch or hooked feeling, I then use it as a path to awareness of what is actually happening.  The truth being that my ego has been hit with sniper fire.  I can choose to let it pass through, causing no lasting damage.  Or I can hold it inside me, letting it become inflamed and infected, causing all kinds of trauma.

There was a time when I would always choose to hold onto it.  I would place all my attention on it until it became debilitating, a form of self-punishment I believed I so richly deserved for all my failures.  Today I know better and I choose to let it go.  It really is the easier, softer way.

REVELATIONS

health, Inspiration, life, Uncategorized

energy copy

Yesterday, I went for a Thai massage at the recommendation of my husband.  This was no fluffy spa massage though.  Not to say there is anything wrong with fluffy massages aimed at relaxation.  They have their place and I love them.  However, this massage was more therapeutic in nature.  This gorgeous, itty-bitty Thai woman with enough strength in her hands to rival a lumberjack found spots of immense blockages (read: pain) that took my breath away.  I had to use all my powers of concentration to breathe through it as she worked away at what sounded like walnuts being crushed.  I used my meditative skills to imagine this incredible energy coursing through all the blockages in my body, and enveloping us both.  During this meditation, I was suddenly hit with a revelation; but first, a little background….

Earlier in the year, I began to have what I called vision attacks, along with high blood pressure spikes.  I immediately dove straight into fear at all of the horrible possibilities these symptoms might represent.  When I looked online, all the sites came up with stroke, heart attack and brain tumour, with the advice to seek medical attention IMMEDIATELY!  Even though I know better, I got quite swept up in the fear of it all.  As you might imagine, all my symptoms got dramatically worse and more frequent, eventually landing me in hospital for numerous tests over the course of a few days.  The tests showed nothing wrong, whatsoever, with my heart and brain and I was discharged.  My symptoms continued for several months and more were added to the mix.  I continued to focus on these “events” and requested more tests, desperate to find the problem.  Unfortunately, in my quest to find the problem, I was creating more of the problem.  Whenever I place my attention on something, whether positive or negative, the energy around that grows exponentially, which is exactly what was happening here.

I’ve always believed that all health issues are created by an imbalance in the mind/body, and I was wracking my brain to figure out where my imbalance was.  I was seeing an acupuncturist, well known for his incredible diagnostic abilities, meditating regularly, adding and eliminating things from my diet and talking incessantly about it in the hopes someone would have some ideas I hadn’t thought of.  I was also doing grounding energy work and exercising regularly, but was still having all these “negative” and uncomfortable symptoms.  At the same time, I was also experiencing an unprecedented and amazing flow of creative energy with my writing.

I recall now that all of this started after I had begun engaging in the practice of opening my heart to the universal energy flow, while also fully accepting my gifts as a mystic.  When I acknowledged that I have the ability to see people, clear through to their true essence, to identify what lies beneath the surface and what’s behind their behaviours, the flow of energy coursing through me became quite intense.  Then it hit me during my massage.  What I deemed “negative” symptoms of a possible health problem was simply my energy shifting toward a higher vibration, but out of fear and old habits, I put up blocks.  It is these blocks which are causing all of the uncomfortable symptoms. I’m certain of it.  It’s kind of ironic, actually, that when I acknowledge my mystical ability to “see,” I suddenly lose clear sight.  I understand now that the early initial events were just my energy shifting toward a higher plane. However, in my fear and ignorance, I interrupted the current, which created and then exacerbated the symptoms until they were debilitating.  So it stands to reason that if I created all the blocks, I have the power to remove them. I’ve also noticed lately that when I’m writing and the creative flow is strongest, my blood pressure rises and my breathing changes.  To think…all these months of worry and it turns out to actually be the extraordinary gift of creative manifestation.  If I stop resisting, embrace my gifts, and remove the blocks, my energy and general well-being will return to its perfect state.

So, as of this moment, I will no longer place my attention toward fear.  I will focus only on embracing and liberating the divine energy of my source, allowing it to flow through me, completely unrestricted and free.  This is the path to absolute balance and clear vision.

Blessings.