Category Archives: shame

I’m sooooo sorry!

amends, ego, Fear, Inspiration, life, shame, truth, Uncategorized

sorry

“Classic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”  ~ Aldous Huxley ~

I can only do my best in any given situation, depending on my level of awareness.  I can often drift into unconsciousness and not even notice I have caused harm.  If I am paying attention, however, I can always sense when I’ve said or done something that causes someone discomfort.

It is then that I go inside and analyze my motivation for whatever I said or did.  Was it ego motivated or sincerely from a place of wanting to help?  If my motivation was sincere, I then look at my delivery.  Was it harsh or lacking compassion?  If it was, or if I was coming from a place of ego, then I know that an amends is necessary. 

It is important to be clear about what I regret before I offer an amends.  We do not crawl or grovel before anyone.  That is not a sign of sincerity or humility, but an act of manipulation.  It says, “I have done this terrible thing, but look how sorry I am. That must mean I am really a good person.”  It puts others in the awkward position of having to validate you.  Begging for forgiveness places all the attention on you and discounts the other person entirely.  It is a performance of the ego.

True regret for a mistake is simply an acknowledgment of the act from a place of awareness, then an amends based on that awareness.  This process always benefits me more than whomever I make an amends to because it keeps me conscious and acutely aware of the energy I am putting out.  It is also an incredible humility builder.  The best part is that it releases me from the shame spiral.

When used correctly, there is great power in the words, “I’m sorry.”

FREEDOM FROM SHAME

freedom, Inspiration, life, love, shame, truth, ,

freedom

In my desire to be free from shame and remove all the self-limiting beliefs I have about myself, I need to peel the layers of delusion and uncover the truth.

I spent the first half of my life living in a state of fear and fantasy.  I was always running away from what I perceived to be my lack of value.  Deep down, I truly believed I was unworthy of love, flawed, broken, unrecoverable.  I hid these feelings behind lies and bravado.  I thought if I could convince others I was strong, independent and confident, eventually it might come true.  What I didn’t realise at the time was that in my dishonesty, I was creating more shame, which led to more fear, which led to more dishonesty.  I was caught in vicious cycle that seemed to have no way out.  I would never find the freedom I craved until I stopped bullshitting myself and came clean.

In order to begin this process, it was important to find the source of all these mistaken ideas. I began with my resentments.  They serve as a rich guide, as I tend to resent in others what I most need to acknowledge in myself.  When I took a cold, hard look at these, my patterns became very clear.  I learned some painful truths about my behaviours and expectations.  I saw that I was looking to others to fulfil my need to feel safe, secure and loved.  Others’ behaviour had to meet unreasonable and unattainable levels of perfection and when they didn’t, a judgement was rendered and a resentment was created.  I was wildly creative in my narrative, both to myself and anyone who would listen.  My powers of rationalisation are extraordinary.  Couple that with a robust story-telling ability, and a “truth” was born.  When I tell these truths long enough, they become fact, lodged in concrete, rigid. 

Exploring my resentments from a place of rigorous honesty and non-judgement, with the intention of uncovering my true essence, took an act of courage and a giant leap of faith… faith that once I see who I really am, underneath all the fear and lies designed to protect my ego’s stronghold over my life, I will find a magnificent being, pure in energy and love. 

Through this exercise in honest awareness, I was liberated from my secret shame and a magnificent, authentic being is what I found, with joy right behind.