Last night, as our hosts here in Tonga were serving up warm, homemade donuts for dessert, I thought to myself, “Why not treat myself? I’m on holiday!”

But before I broke my 7 month run being completely sugar-free, I had another thought that stopped me in my tracks… “On holiday from WHAT?? Taking loving, nurturing care of my body?” Where did I get the ridiculous idea that junk food is “treating” myself… that gorging on completely nutrient-free food will enhance my holiday somehow? When has feeling like crap because of eating crap food ever been fun? Where did this brainwashing come from?

It comes mainly from Big Foods and their clever marketing tactics that we’ve been exposed to since birth! Combine that constant onslaught of manipulation with the scientifically proven rush of dopamine we get in our brains when we eat sugar, and it’s damn hard to resist! No wonder world-wide obesity rates have risen to epidemic levels! Just look at the sugar content in our foods today. It’s shocking!!

So, to cut a long story short, I chose to refrain from eating the donuts… not because donuts are inherently bad, but because I know that once I had a taste of sugar, my inner sugar monster would have emerged and I would have had as many donuts as I could grab without appearing incredibly greedy and rude.

I chose to deal with the discomfort of craving, which only lasted a few minutes anyway. I chose the more lasting happiness that I enjoy from being really fit, healthy and strong. The very temporary pleasure I would have received from indulging in my craving would have then led to guilt and shame FAR more uncomfortable than the initial craving. And chances are, my craving wasn’t even for the donut. It’s far more likely that the slight feeling of uneasiness that was coming up that I wanted to move away from, such as being in a social situation with people I’ve just met and feeling shy and unsure of myself, was really at play here.

Whenever I pause for a moment and investigate the “why” underneath my cravings, I invariably find an emotional issue that food will never be able to solve. Yet I’ve been programmed to believe that the donut, cookie or lollie will somehow fend off the uncomfortable feelings.

This is what I need to remember when I’m faced with craving anything that doesn’t nurture me. I must look for the true motivation behind the craving and train in sitting with the discomfort. This is how my resilience muscles get stronger. This is where I will find lasting peace and happiness.

So, next time you’re faced with strong cravings, what will you choose?

May you always choose to nurture your body, mind and spirit and take loving care of yourself, because you deserve it!

Namaste. 🙏🏻💖

Today, as I awake in my solitary little room at the Saint Francis Retreat Centre in Auckland, I’m filled with a deep gratitude so whole and consuming, I struggle to find the words to describe it. And I’m rarely at a loss for words, as anyone who knows me knows well.

The energy of this place always fills me with love and even excitement. That this facility is run by Franciscan friars, and I am a Buddhist, makes no difference to me. Their reverence for Jesus looks and feels the same as my reverence for the Three Jewels. There is no separation when I’m in a place of love. There are no differences, conflicts or opposition. Only connection and community.

Being on retreat always has such a transformative affect on my spirit. Being surrounded by a community of fellow seekers satisfies my spiritual appetite so completely. That I am blessed to be able to go on retreats as often as I do in various mediums (yoga, meditation, Buddhist and recovery-based, to name a few) fills me with enormous gratitude.

For my 50th birthday, I spent the week at a yoga & meditation retreat on a beautiful beach near my home. It was a time of celebration, connection, community and love. I made new friends and deepened a friendship I already enjoyed. My heart was open and my mind was stimulated in so many ways I struggled to keep up. It was the perfect way to step into the next half-century of my life. The idea of a big boozy party (and I don’t even drink) had no appeal to me. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good party and am often found dancing on the table tops. But I began this year with the commitment to myself that I would explore every opportunity that came my way that I felt would bring more balance, love, adventure and serenity to my life. And so far I’m having the best year ever!!

It started off rocky with a strange transition from the woman I’ve always been to this new woman that needed to emerge. I found I was at first uncomfortable, self conscious and feeling like I didn’t belong in the life I had created. I felt isolated and alone. I was the stranger at the party that didn’t speak the language. After the ass kicking I got last year, which repeatedly knocked me over, I struggled with how to integrate this new energy. I knew it was time to make some major changes in my approach to life but where to start eluded me at first.

I compiled the following list of aspirations to go forward with, which I admit seemed daunting at first, but as I learned in recovery, easy does it. Just take one step at a time and each day as it comes. I only needed to focus on the next indicated thing.

Here is my list:

* Step out of my comfort zone regularly;

* Move away from relationships that don’t nourish me and deepen the connections with those people that do nourish my soul;

* Say no to what I don’t want and hell yes to what I do want;

* Be fully present in my interactions with others;

* Choose my state of consciousness rather than being swallowed up by negativity;

* Have confidence in my power to steer my mind toward happiness and peace, and away from chaos and anger;

* Find compassion for myself so that I may be more compassionate toward others;

* And lastly, when I’m caught up in a cycle of “doing,” stop and step into “BE-ing.”

“BE-ing” means to me a place of awareness, of real presence. “Doing” is almost always in an attempt to move away from the present moment. When I’m overwhelmed with doing-ness, it’s invariably my attempt at proving myself worthy. It’s my egoistic way of ensuring I’m seen as capable and intelligent. That’s not to say we don’t need to get shit done and have goals. It simply means that running myself into the ground to prove my value is the opposite of BE-ing, which allows for mindful presence, acceptance of what is, right in this moment. It says, “Jana! Stop, breathe and check your motivation. What are you trying to achieve here? What are you trying to prove?” If I’m doing from a place of BE-ing, my motivation is to bring benefit to others in my life and/or the collective whole. If my doing is motivated by ego, which needs to be recognised and praised then I have to recalibrate my intentions. The biggest clue to when I’m in a place of BE-ing is a sense of calm and clarity. When I’m stressed, angry, chaotic and buzzy, my ego is totally in charge! This is where my burn out comes from. Not from being too busy but with filling my life with busyness to prove my worth. Wearing it like a badge of honour that says, “Look how important I am to have so much to do.”

So this year, I’m striving toward balance. There is a season for busting butt and gettin’ shit handled, and a season for going into retreat/holiday mode to refill my cup, while always being mindful of what my primary motivation is in each task.

I’d now like to make an offering of my favourite prayer, the Prayer of St. Francis:

“Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy. 

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive, 
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, 
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.”

Next up, Bali baby!!

Namaste. 🙏🏻🕉💖

“The biggest thing I did is clear my schedule, leaving a few empty spaces in my days to do nothing. By making this space, everything has seismically shifted for the better. All because I started doing less. Resting more. Finishing one thing at a time. Don’t forget that the space between all the ‘doing’ is a wellness practice in itself.” ~ Dana Claudat

Up until late last year, I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off, busily ticking things off my endless to-do lists. I had gotten swept away in “doing” and had lost myself in the process. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I was hiding behind the busy. I had let go of many of my wellness practices because I just didn’t have the time. I had worn my busy-ness like a status symbol (as Brene Brown calls it). I was hiding from the revealing of self, from the changes this uncovering would require of me. If I kept up the 100 mile an hour pace, it wouldn’t catch me and I could continue to hide in motion and pat myself on the back for all that I was accomplishing. What was the “it” I was running from? I didn’t exactly know, but I was becoming increasingly unsettled, edgy, restless. I was finding mundane and pointless distractions tedious. It was becoming clear that a major shift was about to take place.

So, my monastic nature kicked in and I went into a period of solitude. To the outside world, it looked like depression, but it wasn’t. Sure, there was a mixture of sadness and anger, sometimes rather intense, but mostly it was about just sitting still. I was allowing all my feelings to run through me without the knee-jerk reaction of avoidance. I didn’t label them bad or wrong. I just let them be. I isolated myself quite a bit from the outside world and returned to my meditation practice with the renewed enthusiasm only suffering can induce. I observed my ego-mind and marvelled at how crazy it was. I listened to the compelling stories it told and became almost convinced they were true.

But then my heart-mind came forward and spoke loud and clear. It was time to stop resisting the shift that was going to happen, regardless of my resistance. It was time to show up for what was truly important in my life and stop hiding behind the busy-ness. I needed to release the story I’d been telling myself, which was that my value was tied up in my doing and accomplishments. So I cracked open the door and allowed a little light to come in. Each day I opened the door a little more. As more light came in, the ego-mind shrank back and eventually became small enough to hold in my arms. I kissed it goodnight and let it go back to what I hope is a good, long sleep.

The shift that finally came wasn’t a big lightening bolt… it was as gentle and quiet as a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. I felt a little disoriented and unsure of myself, but much lighter. I felt unsteady, insecure, out of place, but somehow more liberated. Will I find peace in this new version of my life? Which of my friends and family will remain by my side and who will drift away? What unnecessary baggage will I need to let go of to become truly open and free? Can I practise non-attachment and still be madly in love with my husband and kids? Can I practise groundlessness and still be grounded? Can I practise curiosity and remain open to new ideas without becoming fixed and rigid? Can I keep my heart open in the face of anger and fear? Can I be the calm eye in the storm, as my mother used to say?

I will endeavour to open up the space in between all the doing and be like the tree in the picture above. I will protect the space where my wellness practices live and let go of the idea that everything has to be done right now or the sky will fall. Of course, there is important stuff to do that when completed actually brings a healthy sense of accomplishment and reduces future drama and stress, like paying your bills on time and keeping your house tidy. But allowing myself to become mired down and overwhelmed makes me far less effective and efficient anyway, so what’s the point? I’m starting to see that multi-tasking is not the most effective path. Sure, I can do many things at once, but they’re done half-assed. I think it makes more sense to mindfully do one thing at a time and do it well.

So far this year, I’ve managed to create space in between work, appointments and family activities to nurture myself. I meditate every morning. I journal. I exercise. I get a massage. I take a cat nap if I need one. I spend time with my family and friends. I make time for listening to and learning from my teachers. I read. I don’t make excuses when I don’t want to do something… I just say, “No, thank you.” I tell the truth because it’s easier to remember. And you know what? All the stuff I’m not getting done as timely as I would like, is not throwing the Earth off its axis. It’s still sitting there in my in-box and patiently waiting for me. I’ve found if something really needs to be done, it will get done. If it doesn’t get done, well, it must not have been that essential in the first place. On my deathbed, I won’t regret all the crap I didn’t get done. I will regret all the time I wasted trying to get everything done instead of spending my precious time loving my tribe and taking better care of my heart, mind and body.

So, my new mantra is…. “Serenity is found in the space in between.”

Namaste 🕉