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REGRETS AND COMMITMENTS

Inspiration, life, relationships, Uncategorized

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There is no word for guilt in Tibetan.   The closest translation is “intelligent regret that decides to do things differently”.

Today, I’ve made the decision to move away from shame and guilt and allow only for intelligent regret.  This enables me to do things differently and more purposefully.  The following are three of my deepest regrets and the commitments I’m making to live a more joyful and beneficial life…

1. I regret wasting my energy on judgement and resentment instead of cultivating compassion.  I have been angry for so much of my life, I didn’t even notice the severity of it until I began to move away from it.  I was angry as a child, which continued throughout my teenage years and well into my early 40’s.  It wasn’t until a few years ago that I made the decision to look at my anger, dive into its source and pull it out by the roots.  I discovered that most of it came from shame and guilt for things I’ve done or should have done, said or should have said, and stuff I allowed to cling to me, even though it wasn’t mine.  I know I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone. I do the best I can with what I have to work with at any given moment in time.  As I learn and acquire better tools, I become more adept at expressing myself honestly and productively, with less collateral damage. When I’m wrong, I accept responsibility and endeavour to right that wrong.  Denying my culpability only wastes enormous amounts of energy.  Holding onto the lies necessary to keep denial alive keeps me frozen in place.  I cannot move forward and enact change in my life if I’m not accountable for everything in my life.  I am the sole creator of my life experience.  It’s not always easy to see what my part is.  It takes skill and rigorous honesty to unravel the knot and discover what’s mine and then real mastery not to wallow in shame and guilt over it, which is another waste of energy.  This investigative process leads me to a much deeper understanding of myself and others.  I know that if I’m being harsh with myself, that harshness will seep into all my relationships and even my interactions with strangers.  With this realisation, I commit to being more patient and compassionate with myself and all beings.

2. I regret not allowing others into my heart.  I don’t know when or why I closed off my heart and, honestly, I didn’t even realise it was closed until a few years ago.  When I first began to notice this, I made a few excuses…..  “I can’t handle the input that comes through an open heart.”; “If I remain open, I’ll get hurt.”; “Some people are unsafe and if I’m open, they’ll get in and wreak all kinds of havoc!”.  I’m slowly learning that all these excuses, which sound quite reasonable, are simply untrue.  There is a way to keep an open heart in the presence of negativity by recognising that it’s simply a cover for suffering.  Showing our suffering makes us feel vulnerable. I don’t handle feeling vulnerable well.  In fact, I go to great lengths to hide it, even from myself.  This is why I started this blog.  I made a decision to open my heart and allow my vulnerability to come through.  This is the path toward joy and being of greater benefit to others.  I will only be hurt if I allow others’ negativity to imprint on me.  If I accept what is not mine and what is not true, take personally what is not about me, then I will suffer.  If I come from a place of negativity, I will only add more negative energy to the dynamic, which is unproductive.  I commit to remaining open-hearted and affirming positive intentions even in the face of overwhelming suffering.

3. I regret spending so much of my life running…. Running from love, running from connection, truth, responsibility and just being present in the moment.  I have a fear of being trapped.  The technical term is Cleithrophobia.  I only know this because my colleagues and I were goofing off at work one day looking up phobias for fun.  This particular phobia caught my eye because it describes me perfectly.  My husband and I have an inside joke about me mentally packing my bags whenever we have a disagreement or any kind of discord.  It used to worry him, but after 17 plus years together he’s learned to trust that I won’t actually leave.  I always do a runner in my head as it fills some need in me that has to feel free to go, free to be free.  The moment I feel tethered or restrained, my fight or flight response is activated and I go through the mental exercise of packing my bags into my car and speeding away, leaving skid marks on my driveway.  Over the years, with a lot of determination and training, I’ve managed to slow down the reflex to fight or run and simply be in the moment.  I allow for the mental process instead of denying it.  I find that resisting the feelings by labelling them “bad” and trying to banish them only makes them stronger.  I’ve learned that there are no bad feelings….there are just feelings.  I have a practice of finding a safe place (for me it’s writing in a notebook) and allowing all my feelings to pour out, unedited and unrestrained, onto the pages.  I take them as far as I can into the realm of pure ridiculousness until they have no power anymore.  It’s quite funny sometimes, reading it later.  Humour somehow takes all the potency out of even the strongest of emotions.  So, I commit to continuing this practice of staying, remaining like a log, as they say, being present in the moment and allowing all my feelings to have a voice.

These commitments might seem hard and even downright impossible to some.  But I know from personal experience that they are possible to achieve.  I may not maintain them perfectly, all of the time, and that’s ok.  By renewing my intentions every morning, and even moment-by-moment when I catch myself wobbling, I reinforce and continue the momentum of positive energy being put forth.  What comes back to me is pure bliss.

Om mani padme hum.

Role-Play

Inspiration, life, Uncategorized

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All day long, everywhere I go, I catch myself making judgements about people and situations based on what I see and sense.  I understand that all this categorising, labelling and judging is a normal function of the brain.  I get that the tool of judgement is a necessary component of our defence mechanism.  Who knows how many times my life was saved, or at the very least, saved from serious harm because I intuitively judged someone to be very unsafe and took evasive action.  However, as a young woman, I received the message loud and clear that my role was to be friendly and tolerant of aberrant behaviour, particularly men’s, lest I offend them. How many times did I laugh or smile when being treated quite inappropriately?!  All my instincts told me to discharge a well-placed knee, but instead I just pretended it didn’t bother me.  Why make a fuss?  It wasn’t such a big deal, was it?

We begin life with such amazing instincts that, literally, sustain life.  Slowly and steadily we lose this gift because we’re taught that it’s more important to maintain social harmony at the expense of our intuition.  As women, we’re constantly told we’re “overreacting”, “over-sensitive”, “too emotional”, “hysterical”, and my all-time favourite….. “hormonal”.  When we override our instincts out of fear of incurring these labels, is it any wonder we go a bit crazy on occasion?  It’s not that we’re simply responding to the current event.  We’re really responding to myriad events that went unresolved.  All the times we bottled up our feelings, didn’t speak out, or pretended not to care come to the surface like an erupting volcano.  It’s understandable that, to the naked eye, it appears we’re blowing a single event way out of proportion.  However, if you were to scratch the surface a bit, you’d see a Pandora’s Box of legitimate frustration.  Our fuse simply came to the end.

Unfortunately, I was rarely able to effectively communicate my feelings as they arose.  As a woman, I’m expected to be able to correctly identify and communicate every feeling I have every moment I have them.  Well, I must have ditched that class.  I actually need time and space to go through all my feelings and figure out what is stuff from the past and what is present day; what is mine and what is yours; what is real and what is imagined or a wrong assumption.  This process can takes days, weeks or months, depending on whatever else is going on in my life.  Add to that, the suppression of my intuition, which ultimately led to the inability to trust it anymore.  Without faith in my intuitive process, I was left with the opinions of others, which come loud and often.  When you’re told who you are and how you “should” feel long enough, you start to believe it.  But somewhere, deep down, a little voice is telling you that everything you’re being taught about yourself is simply not true.  This internal conflict incites confusion and anger, I find.  Men are not exempt from this societal influence.  They’re taught to be logical and rational, as opposed to emotional.  These unexpressed feelings often turn to anger, which is far more socially acceptable for men to express than sadness.  I don’t know which is worse, turning the anger inward (what women typically do), which leads to depression, or repressing the sadness (what men typically do), which leads to anger expressed outward.  Neither system seems very effective.

Then, around middle age, the hormones shift and the real fun begins!  Women become more clear and rational and men become more emotional.  This is rarely handled with finesse.  If women are brave enough to question the status quo, we find our voice. Should we actually use this voice, we’re invariably labeled “bitches”.  If we no longer subscribe to all the lies we were taught about who we are and how we should feel, we become a major threat to societal harmony.  Men have it a bit easier, I think.  They tend to overcompensate for their lowered testosterone by behaving like teenage boys (need I elaborate?).  But I digress…..

This isn’t meant to be a commentary on societal injustice.  I just feel very strongly that both men and women need to shave off all the dogma we’ve collected along the way and get in touch with, and honour, our true selves and trust our intuition.  We’re not impressionable children anymore, so why act like it?  Why are we so afraid to be open and sincere?  That’s what I believe menopause and andropause is partially about.  Like the ebb of the tide, it give us an opportunity to see clearly what lies beneath the surface.  Rather than run and hide from what we see, we need to embrace it, transform it and allow it to empower us as human beings.  Why this need to be robots, indistinguishable from each other?  Why do we continue to play the parts assigned to us by society when everything in us tells us it’s not who we are, how we feel or who we want to be?  Why are we punishing each other for our uniqueness instead of celebrating it?  We should shake things up by challenging all the labels we’ve been given and identify what is actually the truth.  If we can find the courage to express ourselves from this place of authenticity, I truly believe this would lead us all to a place of lasting peace and happiness.  Imagine what that would look like…..

Newton’s Laws of Drama….I mean, Motion.

Humour, Inspiration, marriage, relationships, Uncategorized

Lately I’ve become very interested in Physics and how they relate to my marriage.  Newton’s 3 Laws of Motion seem to coincide nicely with the nature of drama.  Bear with me as I explore this further.

Newton’s 1st Law of Motion, called the Law of Inertia, says that an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.  Newton’s 2nd Law of Motion (Force=mass x acceleration) says that an object with a certain velocity maintains that velocity unless a force acts on it to cause an acceleration, which means to me:  Love=emotion x drama.

Here’s an example of how these first 2 laws apply to my relationship:  When everything is going smoothly in my marriage, and I actually allow that to continue, my marriage is a happy one (at rest = no drama).  However, my nature is to not let this last for very long.  I can become quite an “unbalanced force” (thank you menopause!) and will abruptly change the speed and direction of our lives without any consultation, whatsoever, with my husband.  This acceleration greatly changes the velocity of our relationship.  He’s expected to just keep up, no questions asked.  As you might imagine, this creates a wee bit of tension.  I’m not entirely sure where this insatiable need for drama comes from.  I get that a lot of it is just simple hormonal surges, but surely there’s more at play here.  I know plenty of menopausal-aged women who seem quite balanced and content.  Are they all great actors or is there a tendency toward drama that’s more pronounced in some and less in others?

I spend a great deal of time analysing this drama phenomenon.  I’ve discussed this with a lot of my girlfriends, who all agree there is something quite seductive about a good dose of drama, although as grown women we’re not supposed to feel that way anymore.  In the absence of any real drama in our own relationships, we find others’ drama quite delicious.  I guess that helps to explain the gossip connection.  But what is the actual (or perceived) payoff in engaging in a good dose of drama?

Historically, for me, it served many functions.  It staved off boredom.  I was taught well by chick flicks that contentment and an easy friendship with a man are NOT sexy.  Nice guys who adore and cherish us are booorrring. I was trained to believe that lots of conflict and drama in a relationship creates passion, which in turn equates to true love. And let’s not forget the thrill of the chase.  Being unsure about how someone feels about you and the insecurity that comes with it causes that flip-flopping feeling in the stomach which is often mistaken for love. When, suddenly, all that adoring and cherishing goes away, it is all you can think about and all you want. The animal-instinct to chase it ensues.  Then there good old-fashioned self-doubt.  I had the very wrong idea that I didn’t deserve adoration and cherishing.  I thought, eventually, he’ll figure out that I’m not so great after all and split.  I decided the best answer was to drive him away by being the worst version of myself and then I would get the added benefit of “victim” drama.  This is where I get to whinge to all my friends about what a jerk he was (and they would all agree) and I never had to look at my own culpability.

I’d like to tell you I’ve matured and have no more need for all this drama.  Well, that’s just not true.  I don’t engage in it the same way I used to, but it’s still a factor.  This leads me to Newton’s 3rd Law of Motion:  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  I like to call this, “The Pissing Contest.”  It looks something like this…..  He’s being grumpy and I ask him why he’s so grumpy and he says he isn’t grumpy, that I’m being the grumpy one.  I tell him I was perfectly happy until his grumpiness caused me to become grumpy.  He says he was perfectly fine beforehand and is simply reacting to my grumpiness.  On and on it goes until we’re not speaking to each other anymore. Hours turn to days and days turn to weeks.  The drama phenomenon has been activated.  My husband knows me all too well and that I’m likely packing my bags in my head.  Old habits die hard, I reckon.  He’s come to expect that and no longer really worries that I’ll actually leave.  At this point, I’ve usually forgotten what I’m even angry about, probably because there was no good reason to begin with.  In my head, of course, I’m using the tried and true anthem of the 4 year old…. “but HE started it!”  My overdeveloped pride keeps me from just calling a truce and apologising, although for what I’m not really sure.  I’m ashamed to admit that it’s generally him who puts down the sword and comes forward with all that annoying logic and reason saying that it doesn’t matter who started it.  Isn’t is more important to just be happy?  Isn’t that what we all want?  Ironically enough, we were happy before all this unnecessary drama started.  Why this ridiculous detour?

There’s only one answer…..Physics!

An Introduction…..

Inspiration, Uncategorized

For as far back as I can remember, I’ve been told that I am wise beyond my years, an old soul.  I vividly remember being able to see auras as clear as day….an ability I buried somewhere along the way.

All my life I’ve been offering advice (oftentimes unsolicited), which comes from an inner knowing I’ve never fully understood.  I possess a mystical ability to see past the behaviour of others, seemingly “good” or “bad,” and intuitively sense what drives people to do what they do.  I’ve been told hundreds of times that I should be a psychotherapist, however, I’ve never been interested in putting people in neat little categories (i.e. diagnose a “disorder/syndrome”), and dispense advice according to the conventional wisdom of the day.  Every soul is unique and there is no “one-size-fits-all” prescription for living a life of purpose and joy.

All this “seeing” and “knowing” made for a very difficult childhood.  I was rebellious, insecure and fiercely disliked.  The information coming into my developing brain was overwhelming and unmanageable.  I was agitated, uncomfortable in my own skin and desperate for distraction, which came in the form of excessive daydreaming. Today I’d likely be diagnosed with ADHD and drugged.

Eventually I found my crowd…. a band of outcasts, misfits and burgeoning alcoholics and drug addicts. I spent the next 10 years or so lost in a fog of blessed intoxication.  I was finally relieved of information-overload.  I had managed to shut down the mystic mechanism and feel…..nothing.  I experienced several near-overdoses before I decided that I wasn’t ready to die.  I had a purpose and a mission I was determined to discover.

Over 2 decades later, here we are.  I still have no idea what it is, exactly, that I’m meant to do with my mystic gifts.  I know that my passion and medium is writing, so I’ve decided to face my enormous fear and just dive right in, headfirst, which is my nature.  It’s what I’ve always done and it has always worked out perfectly, whether or not I thought so at the time.    

My motivation with this blog is to (hopefully) be of benefit to others.  I wish to share my journey…. my experiences, joy & heartbreak, insights, hard-earned wisdom and what inspires me to let go of shame and open my heart to my most authentic self.  My hope is that I can encourage others to release their limiting “labels” (both self-imposed and those imposed on them by family and social communities) and recognise, with perfect clarity, their innate perfection and magnificence.  This is my path to love and peace.

Om mani padme hum