Category Archives: Inspiration

LETTING GO OF “WHAT IFS”

Inspiration, life

clouds

I believe a lot of suffering comes from the “What-If” complex and the subsequent feelings we attach to those thoughts of…. “What if I can’t afford to pay my mortgage or put food on the table?  What if my partner leaves me?  What if I’m not good enough?  What if I don’t get my needs met?  What if I fail at something I really want to do?  What if I end up looking like a fool in front of everyone?  What if I make all this effort and still don’t get what I want?  What if I go blind?  What if my children get hurt or die?  What if I lose everything?”

What if I stopped torturing myself with “what ifs”??

Allow your negative thoughts to pass by, like clouds in the sky, noticing them, but not attaching any judgment or feeling to them.  By allowing them to pass on by, they leave no imprint whatsoever and, therefore, cause no suffering.

REVELATIONS

health, Inspiration, life, Uncategorized

energy copy

Yesterday, I went for a Thai massage at the recommendation of my husband.  This was no fluffy spa massage though.  Not to say there is anything wrong with fluffy massages aimed at relaxation.  They have their place and I love them.  However, this massage was more therapeutic in nature.  This gorgeous, itty-bitty Thai woman with enough strength in her hands to rival a lumberjack found spots of immense blockages (read: pain) that took my breath away.  I had to use all my powers of concentration to breathe through it as she worked away at what sounded like walnuts being crushed.  I used my meditative skills to imagine this incredible energy coursing through all the blockages in my body, and enveloping us both.  During this meditation, I was suddenly hit with a revelation; but first, a little background….

Earlier in the year, I began to have what I called vision attacks, along with high blood pressure spikes.  I immediately dove straight into fear at all of the horrible possibilities these symptoms might represent.  When I looked online, all the sites came up with stroke, heart attack and brain tumour, with the advice to seek medical attention IMMEDIATELY!  Even though I know better, I got quite swept up in the fear of it all.  As you might imagine, all my symptoms got dramatically worse and more frequent, eventually landing me in hospital for numerous tests over the course of a few days.  The tests showed nothing wrong, whatsoever, with my heart and brain and I was discharged.  My symptoms continued for several months and more were added to the mix.  I continued to focus on these “events” and requested more tests, desperate to find the problem.  Unfortunately, in my quest to find the problem, I was creating more of the problem.  Whenever I place my attention on something, whether positive or negative, the energy around that grows exponentially, which is exactly what was happening here.

I’ve always believed that all health issues are created by an imbalance in the mind/body, and I was wracking my brain to figure out where my imbalance was.  I was seeing an acupuncturist, well known for his incredible diagnostic abilities, meditating regularly, adding and eliminating things from my diet and talking incessantly about it in the hopes someone would have some ideas I hadn’t thought of.  I was also doing grounding energy work and exercising regularly, but was still having all these “negative” and uncomfortable symptoms.  At the same time, I was also experiencing an unprecedented and amazing flow of creative energy with my writing.

I recall now that all of this started after I had begun engaging in the practice of opening my heart to the universal energy flow, while also fully accepting my gifts as a mystic.  When I acknowledged that I have the ability to see people, clear through to their true essence, to identify what lies beneath the surface and what’s behind their behaviours, the flow of energy coursing through me became quite intense.  Then it hit me during my massage.  What I deemed “negative” symptoms of a possible health problem was simply my energy shifting toward a higher vibration, but out of fear and old habits, I put up blocks.  It is these blocks which are causing all of the uncomfortable symptoms. I’m certain of it.  It’s kind of ironic, actually, that when I acknowledge my mystical ability to “see,” I suddenly lose clear sight.  I understand now that the early initial events were just my energy shifting toward a higher plane. However, in my fear and ignorance, I interrupted the current, which created and then exacerbated the symptoms until they were debilitating.  So it stands to reason that if I created all the blocks, I have the power to remove them. I’ve also noticed lately that when I’m writing and the creative flow is strongest, my blood pressure rises and my breathing changes.  To think…all these months of worry and it turns out to actually be the extraordinary gift of creative manifestation.  If I stop resisting, embrace my gifts, and remove the blocks, my energy and general well-being will return to its perfect state.

So, as of this moment, I will no longer place my attention toward fear.  I will focus only on embracing and liberating the divine energy of my source, allowing it to flow through me, completely unrestricted and free.  This is the path to absolute balance and clear vision.

Blessings.

The Power of Choice

Inspiration

manifest copy

Since my teenage years, I’ve been aware of my amazing powers of choice.  When I made a decision to do something, I did it.  When I decided to move out of my parent’s house at 17, even though I didn’t have a job, I did it.  I had to sell everything I owned to make rent, but it still counts.  When I decided to move to Europe at 18, everyone said I would never be able to do it.  After all, I had no money.  I got a live-in nanny job so I didn’t have to pay rent, saved my money and moved to France.  At 23 when I decided to get clean and sober, once again, most everyone I told didn’t believe it would last very long, that I lacked the discipline.  It’s been over 21 years now and I haven’t touched alcohol or drugs.  When I decided to move in with my boyfriend of 3 months, a lot of people doubted my choice.  “I give it a year, max!”  is what I heard.  I later married that boyfriend and we’re coming up on our 16th wedding anniversary. When I decided to go back to school and get a Bachelor of Science degree, at first I told myself I was crazy.  I was a total science dummy.  It was always my weakest subject at school.  But, I shook off the self-doubt and became determined to finish.  I not only got my diploma, but I graduated with highest honours.  When I decided to quit smoking, for the hundredth time, I was filled with dread for I had been conditioned by society’s belief and my own experience that it would be a nightmare, filled with intense cravings, grouchiness, weight gain, and all the other fun “truths” about nicotine withdrawal.  Then I learned that none of these truths were fact.  They were simply true because I believed them to be.  What if I chose not to have any of those unpleasant symptoms?  What if I believed it would be easy?  I chose that belief and, guess what?  It was easy.  It’s been 3 years and I haven’t had a single craving for a cigarette, I didn’t gain any weight, and didn’t feel a moment’s deprivation.  That’s when it was really driven home that I possessed an incredible power to choose my reality.

I mention all this, not to brag, or to convince anyone that I’m unique, but as a reminder to myself that I can do or have anything I choose.  It’s important that I use this power in a positive way.  It’s so easy to make decisions about myself or my life that are self-defeating.  It’s taken me years and years of practise to gain the confidence I now have in my powers of choice.  I know now, without a shred of doubt, that I choose my reality.  Everything in my life is here because of a choice I made somewhere along the way, either consciously or unconsciously, in this or previous lives.  “But what about the starving children in Africa or the victims of genocide and war?  They didn’t choose that!”, my little voice of self-doubt tells me.  Well, I can’t speak to that as it’s not my current reality.  I was blessed to be born into a life free from these horrors.  However, I do know that by using these stories of world events or the stories of my own personal tragedies in order to gather evidence to support the idea that I am a victim of my circumstances, serves no one.  It doesn’t help me, nor does it put me in a position to help others.

You’ve probably heard the old expression, “Be careful what you wish for…for it will surely happen.”  Well, it’s true.  I create my own story, my own reality.  If I put my energy toward a goal…something I want, it will absolutely manifest in my life.  This is fact.  I’ve proven it time and again to myself.  If I put my energy and thoughts toward doubt, fear, anger or lack, I will produce more of this in my life….manifest destiny.  What I focus on will increase exponentially.  If I place my focus on all the rational, legitimate reasons why I can’t have or do something, then this will be my reality.

What I find curious, is the clinging to negativity we seem to be constantly engaged in.  I clung so tightly to the many negative beliefs I had about myself and I spent a lot of time looking for validation of these truths… and I was proven right every time.  Why was I so determined to reinforce these negative ideas?  It just goes to show how powerful our thoughts can be.  The rationale behind affirmations and mantras is to program your thoughts and energy toward something positive.  I tried this with very little success.  The essential piece, I later found out I was missing, was generating the feeling as if it were already true.  When I recite an affirmation or mantra, but the little seed of doubt is hiding in the shadows, it simply doesn’t work.  If I can imagine what it would feel like if what I wanted to believe or create was already a reality, and intensify that feeling until my vibration matches my imagination, then it does manifest.  I no longer need faith in the power of this practice because I’ve already proven it to myself to be fact.

Today, I choose to spend my energy focusing only on the incredible abundance in my life, and I continue to be astonished as I watch it grow by leaps and bounds.  My wish is for everyone to experience this acute awareness of their own powers of choice and tap into this magnificent energy that will change their lives and, thus, change the world.

REGRETS AND COMMITMENTS

Inspiration, life, relationships, Uncategorized

commitment copy

There is no word for guilt in Tibetan.   The closest translation is “intelligent regret that decides to do things differently”.

Today, I’ve made the decision to move away from shame and guilt and allow only for intelligent regret.  This enables me to do things differently and more purposefully.  The following are three of my deepest regrets and the commitments I’m making to live a more joyful and beneficial life…

1. I regret wasting my energy on judgement and resentment instead of cultivating compassion.  I have been angry for so much of my life, I didn’t even notice the severity of it until I began to move away from it.  I was angry as a child, which continued throughout my teenage years and well into my early 40’s.  It wasn’t until a few years ago that I made the decision to look at my anger, dive into its source and pull it out by the roots.  I discovered that most of it came from shame and guilt for things I’ve done or should have done, said or should have said, and stuff I allowed to cling to me, even though it wasn’t mine.  I know I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone. I do the best I can with what I have to work with at any given moment in time.  As I learn and acquire better tools, I become more adept at expressing myself honestly and productively, with less collateral damage. When I’m wrong, I accept responsibility and endeavour to right that wrong.  Denying my culpability only wastes enormous amounts of energy.  Holding onto the lies necessary to keep denial alive keeps me frozen in place.  I cannot move forward and enact change in my life if I’m not accountable for everything in my life.  I am the sole creator of my life experience.  It’s not always easy to see what my part is.  It takes skill and rigorous honesty to unravel the knot and discover what’s mine and then real mastery not to wallow in shame and guilt over it, which is another waste of energy.  This investigative process leads me to a much deeper understanding of myself and others.  I know that if I’m being harsh with myself, that harshness will seep into all my relationships and even my interactions with strangers.  With this realisation, I commit to being more patient and compassionate with myself and all beings.

2. I regret not allowing others into my heart.  I don’t know when or why I closed off my heart and, honestly, I didn’t even realise it was closed until a few years ago.  When I first began to notice this, I made a few excuses…..  “I can’t handle the input that comes through an open heart.”; “If I remain open, I’ll get hurt.”; “Some people are unsafe and if I’m open, they’ll get in and wreak all kinds of havoc!”.  I’m slowly learning that all these excuses, which sound quite reasonable, are simply untrue.  There is a way to keep an open heart in the presence of negativity by recognising that it’s simply a cover for suffering.  Showing our suffering makes us feel vulnerable. I don’t handle feeling vulnerable well.  In fact, I go to great lengths to hide it, even from myself.  This is why I started this blog.  I made a decision to open my heart and allow my vulnerability to come through.  This is the path toward joy and being of greater benefit to others.  I will only be hurt if I allow others’ negativity to imprint on me.  If I accept what is not mine and what is not true, take personally what is not about me, then I will suffer.  If I come from a place of negativity, I will only add more negative energy to the dynamic, which is unproductive.  I commit to remaining open-hearted and affirming positive intentions even in the face of overwhelming suffering.

3. I regret spending so much of my life running…. Running from love, running from connection, truth, responsibility and just being present in the moment.  I have a fear of being trapped.  The technical term is Cleithrophobia.  I only know this because my colleagues and I were goofing off at work one day looking up phobias for fun.  This particular phobia caught my eye because it describes me perfectly.  My husband and I have an inside joke about me mentally packing my bags whenever we have a disagreement or any kind of discord.  It used to worry him, but after 17 plus years together he’s learned to trust that I won’t actually leave.  I always do a runner in my head as it fills some need in me that has to feel free to go, free to be free.  The moment I feel tethered or restrained, my fight or flight response is activated and I go through the mental exercise of packing my bags into my car and speeding away, leaving skid marks on my driveway.  Over the years, with a lot of determination and training, I’ve managed to slow down the reflex to fight or run and simply be in the moment.  I allow for the mental process instead of denying it.  I find that resisting the feelings by labelling them “bad” and trying to banish them only makes them stronger.  I’ve learned that there are no bad feelings….there are just feelings.  I have a practice of finding a safe place (for me it’s writing in a notebook) and allowing all my feelings to pour out, unedited and unrestrained, onto the pages.  I take them as far as I can into the realm of pure ridiculousness until they have no power anymore.  It’s quite funny sometimes, reading it later.  Humour somehow takes all the potency out of even the strongest of emotions.  So, I commit to continuing this practice of staying, remaining like a log, as they say, being present in the moment and allowing all my feelings to have a voice.

These commitments might seem hard and even downright impossible to some.  But I know from personal experience that they are possible to achieve.  I may not maintain them perfectly, all of the time, and that’s ok.  By renewing my intentions every morning, and even moment-by-moment when I catch myself wobbling, I reinforce and continue the momentum of positive energy being put forth.  What comes back to me is pure bliss.

Om mani padme hum.

Role-Play

Inspiration, life, Uncategorized

unique copy

 

All day long, everywhere I go, I catch myself making judgements about people and situations based on what I see and sense.  I understand that all this categorising, labelling and judging is a normal function of the brain.  I get that the tool of judgement is a necessary component of our defence mechanism.  Who knows how many times my life was saved, or at the very least, saved from serious harm because I intuitively judged someone to be very unsafe and took evasive action.  However, as a young woman, I received the message loud and clear that my role was to be friendly and tolerant of aberrant behaviour, particularly men’s, lest I offend them. How many times did I laugh or smile when being treated quite inappropriately?!  All my instincts told me to discharge a well-placed knee, but instead I just pretended it didn’t bother me.  Why make a fuss?  It wasn’t such a big deal, was it?

We begin life with such amazing instincts that, literally, sustain life.  Slowly and steadily we lose this gift because we’re taught that it’s more important to maintain social harmony at the expense of our intuition.  As women, we’re constantly told we’re “overreacting”, “over-sensitive”, “too emotional”, “hysterical”, and my all-time favourite….. “hormonal”.  When we override our instincts out of fear of incurring these labels, is it any wonder we go a bit crazy on occasion?  It’s not that we’re simply responding to the current event.  We’re really responding to myriad events that went unresolved.  All the times we bottled up our feelings, didn’t speak out, or pretended not to care come to the surface like an erupting volcano.  It’s understandable that, to the naked eye, it appears we’re blowing a single event way out of proportion.  However, if you were to scratch the surface a bit, you’d see a Pandora’s Box of legitimate frustration.  Our fuse simply came to the end.

Unfortunately, I was rarely able to effectively communicate my feelings as they arose.  As a woman, I’m expected to be able to correctly identify and communicate every feeling I have every moment I have them.  Well, I must have ditched that class.  I actually need time and space to go through all my feelings and figure out what is stuff from the past and what is present day; what is mine and what is yours; what is real and what is imagined or a wrong assumption.  This process can takes days, weeks or months, depending on whatever else is going on in my life.  Add to that, the suppression of my intuition, which ultimately led to the inability to trust it anymore.  Without faith in my intuitive process, I was left with the opinions of others, which come loud and often.  When you’re told who you are and how you “should” feel long enough, you start to believe it.  But somewhere, deep down, a little voice is telling you that everything you’re being taught about yourself is simply not true.  This internal conflict incites confusion and anger, I find.  Men are not exempt from this societal influence.  They’re taught to be logical and rational, as opposed to emotional.  These unexpressed feelings often turn to anger, which is far more socially acceptable for men to express than sadness.  I don’t know which is worse, turning the anger inward (what women typically do), which leads to depression, or repressing the sadness (what men typically do), which leads to anger expressed outward.  Neither system seems very effective.

Then, around middle age, the hormones shift and the real fun begins!  Women become more clear and rational and men become more emotional.  This is rarely handled with finesse.  If women are brave enough to question the status quo, we find our voice. Should we actually use this voice, we’re invariably labeled “bitches”.  If we no longer subscribe to all the lies we were taught about who we are and how we should feel, we become a major threat to societal harmony.  Men have it a bit easier, I think.  They tend to overcompensate for their lowered testosterone by behaving like teenage boys (need I elaborate?).  But I digress…..

This isn’t meant to be a commentary on societal injustice.  I just feel very strongly that both men and women need to shave off all the dogma we’ve collected along the way and get in touch with, and honour, our true selves and trust our intuition.  We’re not impressionable children anymore, so why act like it?  Why are we so afraid to be open and sincere?  That’s what I believe menopause and andropause is partially about.  Like the ebb of the tide, it give us an opportunity to see clearly what lies beneath the surface.  Rather than run and hide from what we see, we need to embrace it, transform it and allow it to empower us as human beings.  Why this need to be robots, indistinguishable from each other?  Why do we continue to play the parts assigned to us by society when everything in us tells us it’s not who we are, how we feel or who we want to be?  Why are we punishing each other for our uniqueness instead of celebrating it?  We should shake things up by challenging all the labels we’ve been given and identify what is actually the truth.  If we can find the courage to express ourselves from this place of authenticity, I truly believe this would lead us all to a place of lasting peace and happiness.  Imagine what that would look like…..

SECRETS AND LIES

grief, Inspiration, life, love, suicide

Image

I had a dream recently about my cousin who committed suicide in 2008.  We were sitting by her pool at her old house in Southern California, drinking iced tea on a beautiful, sunny day and talking about why she killed herself.  It was an oddly calm conversation.  No emotional charge at all, which, even in the dream, I noticed and thought was strange.  She was telling me that she just couldn’t fight anymore.  All her life had felt like a struggle to maintain control.  She felt she was always on the edge of a cliff hanging on for dear life.  Finally, she just had to let go.  I laughed and told her there were other ways to let go without leaving such a mess behind.  She laughed too and said she’d figured that out too late.  I woke up feeling a profound peace.  I had finally moved through the severe grief and was left only with the sadness of knowing we would never hang out like that again.

What happened prior to her suicide will haunt me the rest of my life.  I knew she was unravelling.  I could hear it in her voice.  I knew she was lying to me about what was going on in her life.  I never confronted her though.  She would go on and on about all the crazy in her life and I never told her what I saw.  And I saw it so clearly.  She was breaking apart.  What I couldn’t reconcile was the woman who was lying to me with the woman I had always known to be incredibly honest, sometimes brutally so.  Why had I been so afraid to ask the important questions, instead of cowering behind flippant jokes and flimsy support?  I remember so clearly our last conversation a few days before her death.  I replay it over and over in my head, wondering if I should have told her that I knew the truth of what was really going on in her life.  Maybe she would have chosen to open up to me about it.  Would it have made a difference?  Maybe…. Secrets are what killed her.  I’m certain of it.  Secrets, and the lies necessary to support them, are poison, especially for recovering alcoholics, which I am and she was.

I was one of the very few people who knew her well…. knew what was behind the mask.  To the rest of the world, she was a fighter, brave, strong and confident.  To me, she was all of those things, but I also knew her pain and where her scars were.  She was also fiercely private and strong willed (read: STUBBORN).  She stood up for injustice where ever she saw it.  She was incredibly intuitive and would always tell you the truth, however painful that was, and you knew it came from a place of deep understanding and love.  The more it hurt, the more you knew she’d hit the nail right on the head.  Funny… I could be describing myself.

We weren’t really cousins though.  Her mother and my mother were best friends since they were young girls and continue to be best friends to this day.  We grew up together like sisters, and a sister is what I will always think of her as.  Her father committed suicide when she was young and she never really got over it.  I think it put the idea in her head that should life ever get too hard, this would be her way out.  She never planned to stay on this Earth for very long anyway.  Her time here was short and she knew it.  That was another reason she chose not to have kids, I think.  She always said she didn’t have the patience for kids, but to see her around them was to see a woman completely engaged and in love with them.  It was like that with animals too.  She was truly an animal whisperer and saviour.  She was strict though.  We used to call her “The Warden,” as she was quite rigid once she made a decision about how something was going to be.  She knew that about herself and felt it would not be a great asset as a parent.  But I often wondered if having kids would have softened her, released a vulnerability she never fully expressed.

But she did express it…..near the end.  I think that’s why I froze up.  Her vulnerability was coming through so loud and clear….and it scared me.  She was my touchstone and I had come to depend on her strength.  I didn’t want to see her frailty.  But now it was my turn to be strong, to tell her the truth, however much it hurt, and deal with the fall-out.  Instead, I minimised and joked and tried to make her laugh.  I sent through the clear signal that I couldn’t handle her vulnerability.  If I had let her completely fall apart, and shown her that I would still love her and always be there for her, without judgment, would she have come clean and told me the truth about what was going on?  Would confessing her secrets to me help her to release the shame?  Would that have saved her life?  I honestly believe it might have.  She was surrounded by dark energy and I could have shined some light on her.  I knew, deep down, that was what she was asking of me.  Why hadn’t I listened?  Why had I let her down so completely?

Her funeral may have been a lovely testament to all the lives she touched in a profound way. I wouldn’t know.  I was too consumed by rage to notice.  The night before we had arranged to release her ashes to the sea, a place she loved best, I lay in bed wracked by grief.  I cried uncontrollably for several hours asking her why she had done this.  Why had she left me?  I asked for some sign that she was with me. I begged for some indication from her that she was here and aware of my immense anger at her.  The next morning, I went into the kitchen of my hotel room where I had placed a picture of her next to the ones I had brought of my husband and kids.  I had leaned them all against the wall.  My cousin’s picture was still lying perfectly against the wall, but it was turned around.  Her face now facing the wall.  In that moment, I knew she had been here and heard my cries.  Later that day, at the beach, we all came together to say goodbye and release her ashes.  Her husband took her on his surfboard and paddled out a distance.  After he dropped the box and started to paddle back, a pod of dolphins swam right to the spot he had dropped her ashes and began to leap out of the water, playing and putting on a show for us that went on for quite a while.  We all knew this was her doing and she was letting us know she was at peace.  Our beautiful mermaid was at home and happy.  We cried tears of sadness and joy, knowing only she could arrange such an amazing spectacle to communicate a clear message to us all.  I will never forget that day and my only regret is that I was too angry to fully appreciate the moment.

Several years down the road I had my own break-down.  I entered the early stages of menopause, which seemed determined to tear down the thick walls around my own vulnerability.   I was a mess, unbalanced, closing in on myself while pushing everyone away.  Luckily, I recognised the signs and reached out for support, otherwise, I may have gone down the same path as her.  I had some very dark moments and I began to understand her anguish on a much deeper level.  There were times when I perfectly understood her choice to check out.  Had I shrouded myself in shame and embraced the dark, pushing away the people bearing the light and love, I’m sure I would’ve made the same choice she did.

The true empathy I finally shared with her allowed me to release the anger I felt towards her for leaving the way she did and the wreckage she left behind.  I had been angry at her for so long and now I could finally understand.  I knew I needed to let go of the shame and guilt and open my heart to the love around me.  She taught me the importance of sharing my feelings, openly and honestly….that being tough and stoic serves no one.  Expressing pain and asking for help is actually an act of courage, not a sign of weakness.  They say you’re only as sick as your secrets.  Today, I keep no secrets.  I share it all.  This enables me to be of much greater benefit to those who are suffering.  If I boldly speak my truth, holding nothing back, and stand exposesd in front of the world, perhaps it will inspire courage in others to do the same.

Imagine a world where no one felt shame or hid their true beauty….if all our hearts were open and we only spoke the truth.  Honestly, it sounds a bit scary, but I vow to honour my cousin by living in that world….always.

Rest in peace dear sister.

Newton’s Laws of Drama….I mean, Motion.

Humour, Inspiration, marriage, relationships, Uncategorized

Lately I’ve become very interested in Physics and how they relate to my marriage.  Newton’s 3 Laws of Motion seem to coincide nicely with the nature of drama.  Bear with me as I explore this further.

Newton’s 1st Law of Motion, called the Law of Inertia, says that an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.  Newton’s 2nd Law of Motion (Force=mass x acceleration) says that an object with a certain velocity maintains that velocity unless a force acts on it to cause an acceleration, which means to me:  Love=emotion x drama.

Here’s an example of how these first 2 laws apply to my relationship:  When everything is going smoothly in my marriage, and I actually allow that to continue, my marriage is a happy one (at rest = no drama).  However, my nature is to not let this last for very long.  I can become quite an “unbalanced force” (thank you menopause!) and will abruptly change the speed and direction of our lives without any consultation, whatsoever, with my husband.  This acceleration greatly changes the velocity of our relationship.  He’s expected to just keep up, no questions asked.  As you might imagine, this creates a wee bit of tension.  I’m not entirely sure where this insatiable need for drama comes from.  I get that a lot of it is just simple hormonal surges, but surely there’s more at play here.  I know plenty of menopausal-aged women who seem quite balanced and content.  Are they all great actors or is there a tendency toward drama that’s more pronounced in some and less in others?

I spend a great deal of time analysing this drama phenomenon.  I’ve discussed this with a lot of my girlfriends, who all agree there is something quite seductive about a good dose of drama, although as grown women we’re not supposed to feel that way anymore.  In the absence of any real drama in our own relationships, we find others’ drama quite delicious.  I guess that helps to explain the gossip connection.  But what is the actual (or perceived) payoff in engaging in a good dose of drama?

Historically, for me, it served many functions.  It staved off boredom.  I was taught well by chick flicks that contentment and an easy friendship with a man are NOT sexy.  Nice guys who adore and cherish us are booorrring. I was trained to believe that lots of conflict and drama in a relationship creates passion, which in turn equates to true love. And let’s not forget the thrill of the chase.  Being unsure about how someone feels about you and the insecurity that comes with it causes that flip-flopping feeling in the stomach which is often mistaken for love. When, suddenly, all that adoring and cherishing goes away, it is all you can think about and all you want. The animal-instinct to chase it ensues.  Then there good old-fashioned self-doubt.  I had the very wrong idea that I didn’t deserve adoration and cherishing.  I thought, eventually, he’ll figure out that I’m not so great after all and split.  I decided the best answer was to drive him away by being the worst version of myself and then I would get the added benefit of “victim” drama.  This is where I get to whinge to all my friends about what a jerk he was (and they would all agree) and I never had to look at my own culpability.

I’d like to tell you I’ve matured and have no more need for all this drama.  Well, that’s just not true.  I don’t engage in it the same way I used to, but it’s still a factor.  This leads me to Newton’s 3rd Law of Motion:  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  I like to call this, “The Pissing Contest.”  It looks something like this…..  He’s being grumpy and I ask him why he’s so grumpy and he says he isn’t grumpy, that I’m being the grumpy one.  I tell him I was perfectly happy until his grumpiness caused me to become grumpy.  He says he was perfectly fine beforehand and is simply reacting to my grumpiness.  On and on it goes until we’re not speaking to each other anymore. Hours turn to days and days turn to weeks.  The drama phenomenon has been activated.  My husband knows me all too well and that I’m likely packing my bags in my head.  Old habits die hard, I reckon.  He’s come to expect that and no longer really worries that I’ll actually leave.  At this point, I’ve usually forgotten what I’m even angry about, probably because there was no good reason to begin with.  In my head, of course, I’m using the tried and true anthem of the 4 year old…. “but HE started it!”  My overdeveloped pride keeps me from just calling a truce and apologising, although for what I’m not really sure.  I’m ashamed to admit that it’s generally him who puts down the sword and comes forward with all that annoying logic and reason saying that it doesn’t matter who started it.  Isn’t is more important to just be happy?  Isn’t that what we all want?  Ironically enough, we were happy before all this unnecessary drama started.  Why this ridiculous detour?

There’s only one answer…..Physics!

Yes, please.

Inspiration, Uncategorized

Two small words that pack a big punch!  It seems silly that I would struggle so completely with allowing others to help and care for me.  What is that about?  I guess it’s time to point this high powered perception on myself and discover the true origin….

What immediately springs to mind is not wanting to be a burden to others.  Another thought is my incessant need to be independent.  Relying on others makes me feel vulnerable….a feeling I’m not at all comfortable with.  And if I’m really honest, I don’t want to feel indebted to anyone.  Is anyone even keeping score? Oh, and let’s not forget about good, old fashioned pride.  I don’t want to look and feel weak.

Recently, I was hospitalised with sudden onset and severe blurry vision. Not to worry…..the doctors ruled out all the scary stuff.  However, being unable to see was incapacitating.  I couldn’t work or drive.  Reading, writing and even walking around my house was extremely difficult.  My husband and kids were amazing though and took great care of me.  When my son asked if I was going to die and was reassured that I wasn’t, his next question was, “Are we still going to Australia?”   I’m happy to know I came first in his list of priorities.… (and we did make it to Australia).

When all this vision stuff happened, I was quite dependent on my friends and family.  I had no choice but to suck it up and allow others to help me.  This feeling of helplessness, combined with an inability to distract myself from it by way of work, reading, Facebook, etc. was tough.  I am usually a master at the art of distraction.  But that’s a story for another day.  At times it felt like forced meditation.  It’s ironic that I’m always wishing for more time to meditate and when given nothing but time for it, I ache for distraction.  

I think the biggest issue is pride and vulnerability.  Why do I resist love?  When I’m able to love and care for others, it feeds my soul.  By not allowing others to give back, I realise I’m actually being quite selfish.  I’m robbing them of that feeling that comes when we’re able to really be of benefit to others.  It creates imbalance in my relationships, where I get to do all the giving and no one ever gets to give back.  Control issues much?!  

So, my mantra is:  “My Heart Is Open.”  I will allow love to swirl through me and fill my heart, thus fuelling me with more loving kindness to show others.  Isn’t that ultimately the point….to be part of the flow of loving energy instead of the flow of negativity or hatred?  It should be easier as our true nature is love, but somehow we’ve been taught to believe otherwise.  Am I really less deserving of love because I mess up, fall down and behave badly sometimes?  I’ve learned that these moments actually serve to provide a path to strengthen love and compassion.  If I never screwed up, than how could I learn compassion for others who do, and how to overcome these obstacles?  To see these moments as gifts, instead of failures, is the challenge.  I will practise this daily and I invite you to do the same.

Om mani padme hum.

P.S.  To all of you who came forward and spent your precious time hanging out with me in hospital, driving me and my kids around and all your words of love and support from near and afar, I offer my most sincere gratitude.  

An Introduction…..

Inspiration, Uncategorized

For as far back as I can remember, I’ve been told that I am wise beyond my years, an old soul.  I vividly remember being able to see auras as clear as day….an ability I buried somewhere along the way.

All my life I’ve been offering advice (oftentimes unsolicited), which comes from an inner knowing I’ve never fully understood.  I possess a mystical ability to see past the behaviour of others, seemingly “good” or “bad,” and intuitively sense what drives people to do what they do.  I’ve been told hundreds of times that I should be a psychotherapist, however, I’ve never been interested in putting people in neat little categories (i.e. diagnose a “disorder/syndrome”), and dispense advice according to the conventional wisdom of the day.  Every soul is unique and there is no “one-size-fits-all” prescription for living a life of purpose and joy.

All this “seeing” and “knowing” made for a very difficult childhood.  I was rebellious, insecure and fiercely disliked.  The information coming into my developing brain was overwhelming and unmanageable.  I was agitated, uncomfortable in my own skin and desperate for distraction, which came in the form of excessive daydreaming. Today I’d likely be diagnosed with ADHD and drugged.

Eventually I found my crowd…. a band of outcasts, misfits and burgeoning alcoholics and drug addicts. I spent the next 10 years or so lost in a fog of blessed intoxication.  I was finally relieved of information-overload.  I had managed to shut down the mystic mechanism and feel…..nothing.  I experienced several near-overdoses before I decided that I wasn’t ready to die.  I had a purpose and a mission I was determined to discover.

Over 2 decades later, here we are.  I still have no idea what it is, exactly, that I’m meant to do with my mystic gifts.  I know that my passion and medium is writing, so I’ve decided to face my enormous fear and just dive right in, headfirst, which is my nature.  It’s what I’ve always done and it has always worked out perfectly, whether or not I thought so at the time.    

My motivation with this blog is to (hopefully) be of benefit to others.  I wish to share my journey…. my experiences, joy & heartbreak, insights, hard-earned wisdom and what inspires me to let go of shame and open my heart to my most authentic self.  My hope is that I can encourage others to release their limiting “labels” (both self-imposed and those imposed on them by family and social communities) and recognise, with perfect clarity, their innate perfection and magnificence.  This is my path to love and peace.

Om mani padme hum