Category Archives: Fear

BREATHE.

affirmation, ego, energy, experience, Fear, freedom, grief, growth, health, Inspiration, life, love, marriage, meditation, Overcoming challenges, prayer, relationships, shame, trust, truth, Uncategorized, vulnerability

clouds

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thích Nhất Hạnh

Several years ago, when I was a smoker (I know….gross!), I used to believe that smoking relaxed me; never mind the fact that nicotine is a stimulant.  When I gained my freedom from that terrible addiction several years ago, I found that it was the act of conscious breathing that one engages in while smoking that leads the smoker to believe it’s relaxing.

Conscious breathing, as in meditation, right? Yeah.. kinda. But I don’t have to be on the pillow in meditation to consciously breathe.  Once I started to pay attention, I was surprised at how  often I found myself holding my breath or breathing in a shallow manner.  What usually caught my attention to this was that I would suddenly become anxious. I always thought anxiety brought about the shallow breathing but shallow breathing also brings about anxiety.

I once believed that breathing was automated and I didn’t have to think about it.  When I first began meditating many, many years ago, I learned that I didn’t know how to breathe at all and had to be re-taught.  It was hard in the beginning as the more I focussed on my breathing, the more I would hyperventilate.  Man, those early days were rough!

But over time, it became easier to control my breathing and feel the benefits of a regular meditation practice.  I highly recommend beginners join a meditation class or download some good guided meditations as I found it much easier to begin this way.

Now, whenever I feel uneasy, I check that I’m not holding my breath.  One deep, cleansing breath invariably removes, or at least reduces the anxiety.  My breathing tells the tale of my inner world.  It lets me know when I’m off balance, stressed, insecure or not in alignment with Source Energy.  It’s a great barometer that never fails to tell the truth.

So, Number 2 on my list of Divine Daily Practices is:  BREATHE.

 

WANDERLUST

affirmation, ego, energy, experience, Fear, freedom, growth, Inspiration, life, Overcoming challenges, travel

  
“As long as I stay in my comfort zone and am not challenged in any way, my philosophies get hardened in concrete and there is no room for new ideas. That is why travel is so important. It facilitates movement.”  Jana Joy

Lately, I’ve been suffering from a touch of wanderlust. Never is it more apparent than when I’m travelling. I get caught up in my daily routine and glean some comfort in the repetitive, but I also become dull and rigid. However, when I travel and there is no “norm” in my day, I come alive in a way I tend to forget exists within me. Exploring a new place and meeting new people makes me feel giddy. The fresh energy recharges my batteries. I feel compelled to learn from scratch, change, evolve, be present. I feel awakened.

Like most Americans, I have within my DNA rampant consumerism. I love to buy stuff. But as I get older, and time seems to be accelerating, I’ve come to realise that experience is far more valuable than “stuff.” Experience changes me and enables me to grow in exciting ways. As long as I stay in my comfort zone and am not challenged in any way, my philosophies get hardened in concrete and there is no room for new ideas. That is why travel is so important. It facilitates movement.

Energy is always in motion and when I stubbornly resist that movement, depression and anxiety settles in. If I cling steadfastly to old, stagnant ideas and beliefs, I will suffer.  You’ve probably heard the expression, “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of crazy.” I’ve tested out that theory, over and over and over again… and gone crazy in the process. If what I habitually think and believe is making me feel unhappy, then perhaps it’s time to let those beliefs go and open myself to ones that feel good. It does take a certain measure of discipline to change the habitual thought patterns, which only exist to maintain beliefs that are past their use-by date.  If it feels bad, throw it out!

I think that some of my resistance to letting go of old beliefs is that it feels a bit like admitting I was wrong. My ego hates to be wrong. My true nature, underneath all that ego, needs to adapt and learn new ways of being. That is what sustains real happiness. Ego-clinging sustains misery, and misery alone. There is no benefit for me there, yet I go to great lengths to protect my ego. Why is that?  Habit.

So, today, I am making the commitment to travel more, challenge myself and my beliefs in a way only stepping out of my routine can do, and seek out new experiences and people to keep the energy fresh and flowing.

What is your commitment to yourself going to be?

BUSY SYNDROME

Fear, Inspiration, life, truth, Uncategorized

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“Exhaustion is not a status symbol.  Crazy-busy is a great armor… it’s a great way for numbing. What a lot of us do is that we stay so busy, and so out in front of our life, that the truth of how we’re feeling and what we really need can’t catch up with us.”  ~ Brene Brown ~

The realisation that I suffer from Busy Syndrome was a shock to me.  When I read Brene Brown’s observation that we, in our society, see exhaustion as a status symbol, I immediately recognised that I am always talking about how crazy busy I am with an air of pride.  I’m actually bragging about being much too busy and, therefore, important.  Yikes!

This explains why I haven’t written a blog in so many weeks.  Once again, I have demoted my writing to “just a silly hobby.”  I have been actively disengaging with my gift of observation… staying distracted.  The question is… why?  If Brene is right and I’m staying busy in an attempt to numb and avoid my feelings, what, exactly, am I hiding from?

After some reflection, I’ve realised it is the feeling of insecurity.  I have let the doubt demons come in and throw a party in my head.  You know the scene… entertaining the thoughts that tell you you’re not good enough, smart enough or that you have nothing vital to say.  Who do I think I am and what do I have to offer?

The antidote to this, for me, has always been to just show up and do it anyway.  No matter what my fear says, DO IT ANYWAY!  So, here I am… showing up and writing this blog.

I know from vast experience that this is the most effective way of shutting down the doubting demon party and moving forward. 

I would love to hear what your antidotes are for overcoming doubt and insecurity.  Please leave your comments below…..

Namaste.

FACING THE FEAR

Fear, freedom, Inspiration, Overcoming challenges, trust

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“Challenge yourself!  Move out of your comfort zone and just jump!”

~ Jana Joy ~

For years now I’ve wanted to skydive and the only thing holding me back was fear.  I have a long history of facing my fears head on, but this fear was too big.  Every time I imagined standing at the precipice of the airplane’s open door, I would break into a cold sweat and my heart would leap into my throat.

I made all kinds of extremely valid excuses to myself about why is was a reasonable decision to not jump from a perfectly good airplane.  But deep down, I knew it was just fear.  Fear of what?  Death?  Permanent disablement?  Ok… makes sense.  So why was the idea of skydiving becoming an obsession?

I knew why.  I had never let fear dictate my decisions before, but I was allowing it to now.

Skydiving was on my 71 year old mother’s bucket list and even my 12 year old son was really keen to do it, so I made the decision to face the fear, and jump (literally and metaphorically).

I bought us all 12,000 foot jumps over Whangarei Harbour, where I live in New Zealand, and even talked one of my best friends into doing it as well.  It was officially game on!

In the days and hours leading up to the jump, I watched skydiving videos on the web and got more and more excited about it.  It actually quelled my fear.  Knowing exactly what to expect appealed to my illusion of control. 

Jump day had arrived and off to the airport we went, along with my Dad, who came along to watch.  My son and mother went first and after they landed safely, albeit, ungracefully, on the ground (my mum ended up on her bum), it was my friend’s and my turn.

The plane ride up to 12,000 feet was smooth and the views were incredible.  I could even see my house and I knew our anxious husbands were on my deck at home with binoculars watching us.  I found myself marveling at how calm I felt.  I was super excited but not scared, which came as a surprise.  Then, they opened the door for my friend and her tandem partner to jump.  This was the point that my heart skipped a beat.  It went fast though and my friend was out of the plane and flying through the air.  It was my turn and it went just as quickly.  I leaned out of the plane doors and suddenly we were somersaulting out and into the sky.

The free fall was incredible. I didn’t feel scared at all.  It was exhilarating!  I spanned out my arms like a bird and flew.  Once the parachute was opened, we just coasted down and enjoyed the complete silence.  I never expected it to be so quiet.  It felt like meditation. 

Once we landed (on our feet, thank you very much), we all celebrated our courage and victory over fear.  I was able to cross off the last thing on my fear list.  There was no longer anything left that I hadn’t done because I was afraid.  I felt liberated! 

What is something you long to do but haven’t because you’re afraid? 

I strongly encourage you to challenge yourself, to move out of your comfort zone, face the fear and just jump!  You won’t regret it!

SHAME PURVEYORS

Fear, freedom, Inspiration, life, love, Overcoming challenges, relationships, shame, truth

ShameFingers

“It is an act of love to look after one’s self, not an act of community terrorism.”  ~ Jana Joy ~

Are you a shame purveyor or do you fall victim to them?

We all know what shame purveyors look like.  We may even occasionally catch a glimpse of one in the mirror.  It’s a person who points a finger and offers a judgmental comment designed to make us feel bad about ourselves.  Sometimes it comes in the form of a pseudo-compliment or phony compassion.  Here are some examples of the shame we’re sold:

“You’re so lucky to have a partner who doesn’t mind if you abandon your children to go off for a weekend away.”

“Oh, I could never do something like that.  I’d feel too guilty.”

“How do you manage to work full-time and still find any quality time for your family??”

“So, what do you DO all day as a stay-at-home mom? Don’t you get bored?”

“I wish I had time to take a nap/get a facial/go to lunch.  I’m too busy taking care of my family/community/work commitments.”

“You should help out more by joining our committee/volunteer for this cause/donate your money and/or time for this and that.”

“You should… You should…  You should…”

The response in my head is always, “You should mind your own business and stop should-ing on me!”  What I actually say is, “No, thank you.”  That’s it.  I don’t make up excuses.  I don’t offer apologies.  I just say no.  I used to be a victim of the shame purveyors and engaged in all the activities I should be doing in order to be a “good” mom and a “good” person.  But I was so busy and tired all the time that I turned into this resentful, crabby cow.  And what did I do with all that resentment?  I turned it on others and should-ed all over them.  I paid it forward.  After all, sharing is caring… right?

Then one day, I learned the valuable lesson we all have to learn the hard way.  In order to really be of benefit to others, I need to take care of myself.  I cannot give what I do not have.  If I’m burned out and exhausted, I’m not much use to anyone.

It is an act of love to look after one’s self, not an act of community terrorism.  But the shame police in my head and the shame purveyors around me would have me believe otherwise.  Taking time for myself to engage in an activity that feeds my soul, but is, otherwise, of no direct benefit to others will cause the collapse of civilization as we know it.  If I’m not there to hold it all together, it will all fall to pieces (can you say, “control freak?”).  As it turns out, the world keeps on spinning, even while I’m getting a facial.

Now that I’ve (mostly) conquered my inner shame purveyor, when I’m faced with one, I’m usually filled with compassion as I know all too well that the shame they’re attempting to push on me is nothing compared to the shame they heap on themselves.  I say “usually” because, I admit, sometimes my initial reaction is to want to smack them!   It takes a lot of practice to get past the habit of shaming myself and others, but, like anything else, the more I practice, the better I get at it.

If we all stopped playing the shame game, we would be free to live our lives purposefully and joyfully.   I encourage you to release your inner shame purveyor and stop the vicious cycle of abuse.  A true gift is one given from love, not out of shame or guilt.

VULNERABILITY

amends, ego, Fear, freedom, Inspiration, life, love, relationships, shame, trust, truth, vulnerability

vulnerability

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”  ~Brene Brown~

Vulnerability, to me, means telling the truth, even when it gets me in trouble or causes me embarrassment.  It’s saying, “I’m sorry” and asking for forgiveness. It’s saying, “I don’t know” and, “I love you.”  It’s sharing my fears and secret shame with those I love and trust.  It’s admitting I was wrong and that you were right. It’s allowing myself to be really seen, flaws and all.  It’s following my dreams, despite the fear of failure.  It is writing this blog and sharing it with the world. 

Vulnerability feels like having a wide open heart; loving someone so much that they have the power to hurt me deeply, and loving them anyway.  It’s allowing others to care for me when I’m sick or grieving.  It’s sharing the truth when you ask me how I am feeling.

Being dependent is not vulnerability.  Dependency makes me feel weak.  I’m learning that there is a vast difference to being dependent and depending on others.  It takes vulnerability to depend on someone, knowing that they could let me down.  And if they do let me down, it’s knowing that I’ll be just fine, despite feeling hurt.  I think that’s the main difference.  Dependency creates the illusion that I have no power to create the life I want; that if you leave me or disappoint me, my life will come crashing down around me, causing irreparable damage.

Feeling pain is a sign of vulnerability.  Rather than run from it, I allow it to flow freely through me, rejoicing in the knowledge that my heart is open.  A closed heart doesn’t feel pain…it feels angry or numb, both defense mechanisms.  When my heart is really open, my spirit is aligned with Source energy.  This feels so amazing, it’s worth embracing and walking through the pain.

I would love to know what vulnerability means to you.  Please share your answers in the comments section below.

Namaste.

I’m sooooo sorry!

amends, ego, Fear, Inspiration, life, shame, truth, Uncategorized

sorry

“Classic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”  ~ Aldous Huxley ~

I can only do my best in any given situation, depending on my level of awareness.  I can often drift into unconsciousness and not even notice I have caused harm.  If I am paying attention, however, I can always sense when I’ve said or done something that causes someone discomfort.

It is then that I go inside and analyze my motivation for whatever I said or did.  Was it ego motivated or sincerely from a place of wanting to help?  If my motivation was sincere, I then look at my delivery.  Was it harsh or lacking compassion?  If it was, or if I was coming from a place of ego, then I know that an amends is necessary. 

It is important to be clear about what I regret before I offer an amends.  We do not crawl or grovel before anyone.  That is not a sign of sincerity or humility, but an act of manipulation.  It says, “I have done this terrible thing, but look how sorry I am. That must mean I am really a good person.”  It puts others in the awkward position of having to validate you.  Begging for forgiveness places all the attention on you and discounts the other person entirely.  It is a performance of the ego.

True regret for a mistake is simply an acknowledgment of the act from a place of awareness, then an amends based on that awareness.  This process always benefits me more than whomever I make an amends to because it keeps me conscious and acutely aware of the energy I am putting out.  It is also an incredible humility builder.  The best part is that it releases me from the shame spiral.

When used correctly, there is great power in the words, “I’m sorry.”