Two small words that pack a big punch! It seems silly that I would struggle so completely with allowing others to help and care for me. What is that about? I guess it’s time to point this high powered perception on myself and discover the true origin….
What immediately springs to mind is not wanting to be a burden to others. Another thought is my incessant need to be independent. Relying on others makes me feel vulnerable….a feeling I’m not at all comfortable with. And if I’m really honest, I don’t want to feel indebted to anyone. Is anyone even keeping score? Oh, and let’s not forget about good, old fashioned pride. I don’t want to look and feel weak.
Recently, I was hospitalised with sudden onset and severe blurry vision. Not to worry…..the doctors ruled out all the scary stuff. However, being unable to see was incapacitating. I couldn’t work or drive. Reading, writing and even walking around my house was extremely difficult. My husband and kids were amazing though and took great care of me. When my son asked if I was going to die and was reassured that I wasn’t, his next question was, “Are we still going to Australia?” I’m happy to know I came first in his list of priorities.… (and we did make it to Australia).
When all this vision stuff happened, I was quite dependent on my friends and family. I had no choice but to suck it up and allow others to help me. This feeling of helplessness, combined with an inability to distract myself from it by way of work, reading, Facebook, etc. was tough. I am usually a master at the art of distraction. But that’s a story for another day. At times it felt like forced meditation. It’s ironic that I’m always wishing for more time to meditate and when given nothing but time for it, I ache for distraction.
I think the biggest issue is pride and vulnerability. Why do I resist love? When I’m able to love and care for others, it feeds my soul. By not allowing others to give back, I realise I’m actually being quite selfish. I’m robbing them of that feeling that comes when we’re able to really be of benefit to others. It creates imbalance in my relationships, where I get to do all the giving and no one ever gets to give back. Control issues much?!
So, my mantra is: “My Heart Is Open.” I will allow love to swirl through me and fill my heart, thus fuelling me with more loving kindness to show others. Isn’t that ultimately the point….to be part of the flow of loving energy instead of the flow of negativity or hatred? It should be easier as our true nature is love, but somehow we’ve been taught to believe otherwise. Am I really less deserving of love because I mess up, fall down and behave badly sometimes? I’ve learned that these moments actually serve to provide a path to strengthen love and compassion. If I never screwed up, than how could I learn compassion for others who do, and how to overcome these obstacles? To see these moments as gifts, instead of failures, is the challenge. I will practise this daily and I invite you to do the same.
Om mani padme hum.
P.S. To all of you who came forward and spent your precious time hanging out with me in hospital, driving me and my kids around and all your words of love and support from near and afar, I offer my most sincere gratitude.